UnNews:Esperanto declared official language of absolutely nothing

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29 July 2006

Typical Esperanto speaker makes her way through the world, carrying a big stick. This one worships Bahá'u'lláh, likes long walks, and likes killing bunnies.

GENEVA, Sweden -- In the 98th annual meeting of the Esperanto Speaking League, here in The Hague, Sir Pince-Nez Froppery declared the possibly least spoken invented language to be the official tongue of nothing whatsoever. "It is clear to me, as we stand here today, that the world has never taken us seriously. Oh, sure, there was support from fringe religious groups, but no head of state ever gave his acceptance speech in Esperanto."

Esperanto was developed during the period 1877-1885 by L.L. "Luke Warm J" Zamenhof of Warsaw, Poland (then Russia). Zamenhof was convinced that a common language would be necessary to resolve many of the problems that lead to insanity and bizarre foreigner's behavior.

It was adopted by Henry Ford in 1918 as the official language of anti-Semitism, and was vigorously promoted to Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini as "the language of a final solution" at the Potsdam Conference in 1928. Unfortunately for Henry Ford, his knowledge of history was dim, and by confusing historical events, one with the other, he invented his own fantasy world and was never seen again.

The Esperanto Association of Ireland tried briefly to push the false language as a means for secretely making fun of English people. A Dr. Findley O'Hallarahanneelycapstain announced, after 12 years research, that most English speakers cannot understand most Irish-accented spoken English, so the Irish decided the whole thing was rather pointless, and so, went home.

From this apex in popularity as a somewhat-familiar beverage, Esperanto has plummeted to it's greasy depths of pain, which today it has become. History repeated itself, having had too many apricots this morning, when the entire body and mind of the attendees got frustrated and went home.

Said one former Esperanto enthusiast, "I was fine with it, even though none of us could really understand one another, and had to resort to English just to get anything done. Now, though, I realise the whole thing is pretty stupid, so I'm just going home, maybe watch some football."

Members of the Bahá'í Faith were disappointed, but not disheartened. Said a Local Spiritual Arsembly member who wished to remain heterosexual, "I never thought the day would come when even we Bahá'í's would come to think of somthing outside of our own Faith is lame. Still, though; world peace and consultation will ultimately brainwash the masses, and some day we'll all thank God for the revelation of Bahá'u'lláh. Ooh, are those walnuts and raisins?"

Sources

• Sammy Throatsinger Fastidious "Why can't we all just speak fucking English?" Smeghead Press, August 14, 2006