UnBooks:Kidnapped; or, How to Travel on the Cheap
The Idea[edit | edit source]
I had always wanted to travel the world, but as a donut-hole puncher, the money was never enough to even get out of Tennessee. There were times I wanted nothing more than to just drop my hammer, shout “No more crullers for me!” and buy a ticket to Tokyo and just go. Leave it all behind. But no. Instead, I suffered through the monotony of work, through the hourly jelly donut pranks – “Oh, haha, I didn’t notice it wasn’t a sugar covered until I hammered the hole, haha, it’s on my face now…” – and all in the hopes of a promotion to donut-hole roller and the salary that wasn’t minimum wage.
I almost broke, once. A red fog filled my eyes and I suddenly found myself shouting it out. “No more crullers for me!” I spiked my hammer to the ground, but it caromed off the floor and into my groin. As I lay there, weeping in a fresh pile of my own vomit, a coworker beside me told me, “Dude, it’s chocolate sprinkles today.” A deep depression washed over me on that day, and lingered long.
But my wanderlust remained, even after the testicle was excised, and I would brood over atlases until my mother would turn out the basement lights and kiss me good night. One of those nights, however, some muse must have drooled on my face from on high, because I woke with the idea that changed my life. Or maybe it was my mother. Who gave me the idea.
Airfare was always half of my anticipated travel expenses. But what if I could eliminate all the rest? I suddenly wondered. What if I didn’t pay a dime for food or lodging? Without, of course, starving? What if someone else… gave it to me?
I would let myself get kidnapped, and then it would be all up to them to care for me. I could get in a day and a night of sightseeing, and then I could get myself good and kidnapped and meet the locals. Once the ransom demands went out, the police would come in for the rescue and I’d be golden – a traveled, worldly man, and for only half the price! And if things fell through and I had to ransom myself, well…. I’d write a book! And use the proceeds to cover the debt. I’d always wanted to be a travel writer, and now I’d have things to write about!
I filled my pockets with underwear and socks and a toothbrush, handed in my two weeks’ notice at the donut factory, and left that day.
3 hours later, I was at the airport, looking up at the big board of outgoing flights. I wanted to go somewhere cheap, just in case it didn’t work out so I wouldn’t lose too much money, and somewhere that I could get kidnapped easily. It had to a destination not far away, but still dangerous. The choice was easy.
An hour later, I was on the tarmac, bound for Detroit.
2 hours after that, I was still on the tarmac, but then we took off after awhile, and it was an alright ride. I had heard that empty seats on a plane was a rare thing, but there was only one other person on this one, so we played dodgeball in the aisles, but weren’t allowed in first class because that was where the flight attendants were snorting coke.
Test Run: Detroit[edit | edit source]
I could have picked a better city for the sightseeing, I guess, but the rest worked out great. I got off the plane and went to the information desk and asked where all the tourists go. She laughed, and suggested that maybe I should just get back on the plane and go somewhere else. I asked her where all the crime happens in the city, and she gave me a map, marked out a street in the suburbs with a green highlighter, and said, “This is the safe one.” I thanked her and left and got in a taxi and said to take me downtown.
“Excuse me,” I asked from the backseat to the driver, Dequan Thompson, “I’m a writer with lots of money and people who would empty their bank accounts to ransom me. Can you tell me where the best place to get kidnapped would be?”
“Right here, motherfucker!” He yelled, pointing a pistol at me.
And just like that, it was the high-speed car chase, the threats with pistols, and the flashing lights and sirens that I was hoping for. There was even a police helicopter! Detroit went flying past the window, and I got to see all of it, from the Spirit of Detroit statue to the General Motors Building to the financial district, where the skyscrapers went up so high I couldn’t see the top. I asked my guide what some of the buildings were, but he got a little angry and pistol whipped me. I figured that’s just the price you pay to travel on the cheap.
Then he took me to a dark and cold warehouse by the water and chained me to a toilet, which would have been more convenient if there had been plumbing, and I waited there while the police yelled at my guide over bullhorns and my guide yelled at me about the money. Then a SWAT team stormed the place and there was a quick firefight while I crouched behind my toilet, and I was taken away to the station and asked a bunch of questions while they gave me a great hot meal of fried chicken and [[Mashed Potatoes War|mashed potatoes and all the gravy I wanted, with as many seconds as I could eat. Then they let me sleep in a bed in a jail cell, but they left the door open, and then they even gave me a ticket for a return flight back home.
Traveling at Last[edit | edit source]
When I got back, I decided that there were some things I would do differently, such as telling my friends what I was doing so I could give my guides their phone numbers so my friends could lie and say I was the son of an oil tycoon; that way the kidnapping would last longer than they did in Detroit, and I could get more of a feel for the local culture. Also, instead of telling my guides that I was a writer, I would tell them that I was the son of an oil tycoon. That way our stories would match.
I also decided that I would actually start writing about my journeys in a book, and become just like all those other famous travel writers, even though that would make my story about being the son of an oil tycoon a lie. Unless you can be a writer and the son of an oil tycoon at the same time. If you can’t be both, I’ll just have to find my dad and make sure he’s not an oil tycoon. I asked my mom if he was one, but she just laughed until whiskey came out her nose, so I still don’t know for sure.
That’s what I decided. And then I went to the airport, chose a new destination and flew there, got kidnapped, rescued, and wrote about it. And then I did it all again. And again! Here’s where I went, and a brief synopsis of what I wrote (you’ll have to buy the whole book to get the rest – it’s only $12.99):
New York[edit | edit source]
The buildings are so tall, and there are so many of them, but my guides took me underground, into a place that had tiles like a bathroom and used to have trains there too, until some woman named Sandy came and flooded it. I wonder why someone would do that, but when my guides told me I couldn’t understand what they were saying; they had such weird accents. Lots to sightsee before getting kidnapped, though – I would definitely come back to do some more of that, next time.
Los Angeles[edit | edit source]
This was where I first encountered the language problem. Sightseeing was fun enough – I went to see the beaches and the ocean and even a little bit of Hollywood – but when it came time to find some guides, the people who took me all spoke Spanish. This was frustrating. Before I got rescued they taught me a few phrases, though, like “I’m hungry” (“vete a la mierda”), “I would like a drink” (“me gustaria una vagina de arena”) and “What time is it?” (“Ilevame a un cactus”).
Toronto[edit | edit source]
One of the worst places to visit. I went sightseeing and watched what I thought was a high school baseball team play, judging from the number of people watching, but was actually the Blue Jays, but then when I needed to get kidnapped, no one would do it. I asked a bunch of people that looked like criminals which hotel a rich, easily ransomed, unarmed son of an oil tycoon would stay at, but no one would take the bait. After trying to find guides all day and most of the night, I sat at a bus stop and flat out asked a girl with red hair where I could get kidnapped. She didn’t know what I was talking about, so I said, “I want to get taken and held for ransom. At gunpoint.” But she just said that no one really had guns there, so I went back to the airport.
Houston[edit | edit source]
Not much to see, but when I got kidnapped, it was by drug traffickers, which was fun. We got to go through underground tunnels that went from one place to another, not like the ones in New York, and no one knew about them. Plus, they needed someone to try their stuff, and that became my job. I spent almost a month with them before the police came, and this time it was the FBI! They asked more questions than the regular cops, though.
Rio de Jeneiro[edit | edit source]
I saw this huge statute of this bearded guy about to trust-fall of a cliff, a massive soccer stadium and a bunch of streets that were like a carnival. Walking down them made me feel like I was in a parade. Lots of construction going on for the Olympics, but the workers understood my basic Spanish and I managed to find guides quickly. Would have been 5 stars, but when the police rescued me, they demanded a ransom.
Barcelona[edit | edit source]
When I asked people in the airport what there was to see in the city, I was repeatedly told to go to this new church that I think they said was owned by the Sagrada Family. I went there, though, and only found that some building had collapsed – there were random blocks of concrete everywhere, and there were workers in hard hats clearing away the rubble, though not very quickly. I hadn’t even had time to get disappointed when I got kidnapped. I didn’t even have to ask! These guys were professionals, too; they took me to an underground cell, complete with jail cells and fed me gruel for breakfast, and bread and rusty water for dinner. There was even a turnkey down the hall that would grunt whenever I asked a question. Just like the movies!
Zurich[edit | edit source]
Not only is there nothing cool to see here, everyone is rich – I didn’t find anyone who seemed like they were someone who would be a guide. Everything is so expensive, too. When I started asking more pointedly where I could get kidnapped, the police came and arrested me. I guess they thought I was trying to kidnap someone.
Cape Town[edit | edit source]
I found this huge soccer stadium and then climbed this mountain with a top that’s as flat as a table, and it was super cool because at the top we were inside a cloud! Finding guides was easy, too; all I had to do was get in a combi. But then they took me to Johannesburg, which kind of ruined the trip; no one wants to go there, and for good reason.
Mumbai[edit | edit source]
Almost all of the buildings are boring to look at, but in the streets there’s so much going on! Might have been a 3 stars, but the food was awful; after I got taken, I thought my guides were torturing me, but it was just curry.
End[edit | edit source]
That’s all! Be sure to check out my next book Taken All Around the Globe when it comes out next year. I’ll be going to Moscow, Sydney, Tokyo, Paris, London, Rome, Jerusalem, and a bunch of other cities, too!