Boxing
“I have taken a great many lickings in the ring, I can tell you”
“I'm The boxing queen!”
“Ain't gonna be no rematch!”
“Naw yu no!”
“My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children!”
“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing- but none of them serious.”
“I am Champion!!!”
Boxing is more commonly known as "punch-face", which may possibly be a reference to the face-punching nature of the sport. In a match of punch-face the objective is to bet on the winning fighter. In boxing, the winner is determined by whichever boxer can leave the boxing ring (hereafter referred to as "the square circle") under his or her own power. The loser is anyone who pays $49.95 to see a fight that ends two minutes into the first round.
Rules of Boxing[edit | edit source]
- No biting (or biting ears off, yes you know who you are), no eye gouging, no hitting below the belt. When I say break, I want you to break. I want a clean fight, OK? All right, touch gloves and come out at the bell. Make sure you don't hug your opponent either like that lassie John Ruiz.
- In an argument about boxing, boxing fans are required to at least mention "its a science!" (which is really retarded because everything is a science, including the anatomy of a pile of shit.
- Nick Jonas is not allowed to box. 1) It's too violent for him, his her it's dad banned his... child...? 2) As quoted, "I don't like to see two people fight. It's against my girly nature, and I'll have nightmares or wet my bed after beddy-bye-booboo time."
History of Boxing[edit | edit source]
500 B.C. Don King's hair achieves sentience
~23 A.D. The hair fixes it's first mega-event. A previously unknown smuck named Jeebus magically "resurrects" some guy named Lazarus. Profits exceed 10 goats and 50-60 chickens. Jeebus changes his name and has a book written about him.
The Earl of Sandwich is usually given credit for inventing boxing as we know it today during the Summer of Love (June–September 1766). Feeling a little drunk, the Earl, whose real name was Maurice, sucker punched a visiting dignitary. Rather than be knocked out, the dignitary, whose name was also Maurice, fought back, landing a wicked right to the Earl's mouth, causing him to swallow three teeth. When both men had thoroughly exhausted themselves, they agreed that they should call their sport "boxing," since "shuffleboard" had already taken by the Earl of Schnitzel (real name: Maurice) some years beforehand. This day would be forever celebrated as Boxing Day.
Boxing quickly spread as more people learned the joy of beating their friends to a bloody pulp.Credit was also given to rednecks at local bars as they fought over who was the best W.W.E. wrestler. This necessitated the creation of an internal governing body. Thus, NASA (National Association Sport Association, as boxing is sometimes known as the national association sport) was born. The head of NASA is Kathie Lee Gifford, wife of Frank "The Human Love Machine" Gifford.
Occasionally, a story was told of one who could float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. This boxer was regarded with curiosity until people realized (With a "z". A Z!) it just meant he punched like a girl.
Extended Rules of Boxing[edit | edit source]
The rules of boxing have changed through out the years and evolved from two men punching each other until one or more of them died to a well guarded sport in which minorities punch each other for the white mans entertainment.
In 1952 at the annually held evil whitey meeting where the typical main subject of how to oppress and exploit the black man in out valiant efforts to "hold him down" it was decided that we would leave the punching to death to the minorities and the management and paper work for ourselves.
This killed two birds with one stone.
- A) if the minorities punched each other to death that would solve overpopulation
- B) We could successfully cause hardship for the black man which would in turn solve our governments main mission of Designing a system in which the black man is held down.
Joe Calzaghe is very black, as is Wladmir Klitschko.
Greatest Fights of All Time[edit | edit source]
The rectangle prizm vs. the cube was the most courageous and memorable moments in boxing history.
Ali vs Frasier on the other hand sucked.
Rasmuscles from Bruxelles is the only fighter in history, who has been T.K.O.'d by his own body hair.
PS: Batman
James Hinton vs Jonathon Tonkin
Any fight between two topless chicks.
Muhammad Ali vs The Draft
Coming soon Kubrick's Obelisk vs. The Borg Collective also showcasing Dave vs. Hal.