River Phoenix

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Polluted River Judas Phoenix (August 23, 1970 — October 31, 1993) was an allegedly American film hippie and junkie. He was listed on John Willis's Screen World, Vol. 38 as one of twelve "Promising New Hippie Beefcakes of 1986" and was hailed as "a good looking piece of vegan" by such critics as Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel. He was also well known for his activism on abortions for endangered species. He died of an "adult candy" overdose on Halloween morning 1993 outside Johnny 'vintage pirate' Depps newly opened reptile bondage outlet, The Viper Spoons. He was the oldest sibling of a family of child labourers, who still remain virtually unknown as Drizzling Phoenix, Walk-eeng Phoenix, Taking Liberty Phoenix and Summers in Monte Carlo Phoenix.

“A river runs through it.”

~ Brad Pitt on the city of Phoenix, AZ

“WOAH, dude. I never knew drinking water could be so sexually liberating. He was my first piece of dick-and-ass. And like everything else he did, he was sure as hell better than his brother, Walk-eeng.”

~ Keanu Reeves, professional dude.

“No one could do 'mean and moody' better than him...except maybe me, thanks to those old tapes and my trusty VCR i got it down!”

~ Joaquin Phoenix, frappuccino lover and part time homeless person.

*This page is composed of fictional material and has nothing to do with the real River Phoenix and/or Phoenix River.

The River Phoenix bisects Maricopa County, linking Los Angeles, California to Gainesville, Florida. It was born on the day the hippie movement began, when James Dean and John Lennon made love in a fruit stall owned by Che Guevara- producing a flow of energy that was channelled by Gus Van Sant who surfed it on his dingy of hope. It died mid 'grunge' era when Pearl Jam fell behind Nirvana in a popularity poll conducted by Are you young, hip and grungey? magazine.

Early Existance[edit | edit source]

The River was first featured in the film Explorers, a nautical sci-fi tale about Christopher Columbus and Buzz Aldrin. From there it joined the Iris Bathtub agency for gifted H2O sources. It played opposite Corey Fieldstream in Stand By Me and Harrison Ford in The Mosquito Coast. Phoenix said of the experience: "I didn't like the coast, too many mosquitos. I discovered i was a little too deep for the role, Ford helped me out".

After trying his flow in films such as A River of life and Jimmy Reardon and Lake Nikita, River found it's calling in Running On Empty. "I wasn't needed too often", it said.

After hooking up with a lonely Keanu Reeves while flowing somewhere in Idaho, River decided that it's next venture should be carrying little albino rabbits downstream in an attempt to protect them from Jennifer Lopez and her already growing collection of fur coats. River also exported pleather belts and shoes to Winona Ryder, but was hurt when she ran off without paying the bill. River campaigned for MPETA (Mental Patients for the Extermination of Trapeez Artists) and flooded Proctor and Gamble's headquarters on numerous occasions. On one of these outings River accidentally drowned Natalie Wood and Dennis Wilson. Keanu Reeves handed in a disclaimer on River's behalf and they went surfing.

Watershed[edit | edit source]

Several creeks feed off River Phoenix: Joaquin Creek, Rain Creek, Liberty Creek, and Summer Creek. Rain Creek is sometimes known as "Papercrane" Creek for its strong sulfur odor. (It stinks).

Pollution[edit | edit source]

Scrotum leech attack, most people are too stoned to notice.

The River is, unfortunately, best known for its toxic qualities. Rain Creek obviously spews a great deal of filth. Joaquin Creek is especially known for its brain-eating frogs and the hunderds of filthy homeless ex hip-hop performers who bathe in it bi-monthly. The entire watershed suffers from the limited rainfall and rapid evaporation, to create a concentrated toxic soup. Not to mention the many cough syrup factories, marijuana fields, coca plantations, and poppy fields located downstream. Many have died by simply swimming in the waters. Even worse, the river is infested with scrotum eating leeches. All of which was well documented in the historical film Stand By Me in 1986. The opinion on what caused the River's toxic qualities differs. Some say it was Martha Plimpton's brief dip in it in the 80's which caused the problems, however, it has primarily been traced back to to the great C.O.G contamination of 1974. Evidence of this was proved further when, in 1993, a sample of the river was sent to Nashville, Tennessee. Scientists concluded that it would take a lot more than the thing called love to restore the river to it's natural state. Things reached an all time low later that year when a species of reptile, the Judyis Daviees, infested the river. Vomiting faeces and spilling it's dark blood into the water's resulted in irreversable damage.

Thing's you didn't know[edit | edit source]

  • The River Phoenix in Arizona is not the only river named Phoenix in the United States. There is a Phoenix River located on your own private property in Idaho.
  • The Red Hot Chili Peppers classic song Party On Your Pussy was written for River Phoenix. It's also rumoured that they ghost-wrote the classic song Touring The River Phoenix by TISM
  • The heavily polluted river is by no means clear, and is locally described as "Persian Brown" after the valley's favorite type of heroin.
  • Residents hold the "Tri-County Lardass Bakeoff, Pie Eating Contest, and Barf-o-Rama" on the shores of the River Phoenix every year.
  • Spyro Secretly loved This river, but could only express it through taking drugs.
  • Michael Stipe claims to have swam naked in the river on many occasions, while paying a tin whistle and letting River's ripples beat off his guitar.
  • Joaquin Phoenix keeps a vile of River water and takes a sip whenever he has to pull a good performace out the bag.

Quotes[edit | edit source]

"acting is like, man, you know how Oprah eats poptarts in the morning wearing nothing but a pair of cotton ck boxer shorts?..yeah, like that."

"the thing is, i believe very much in O.J Simpson. and his shoes. thats why i cant wear shoes. it scares me."

"i cant imagine anyone doing a worse job at running the country than George Bush. except maybe his son, but that'll never happen"''

"they offered me $900,000,000 to do that role. This role was a one-armed, blind guy with leprosy. The movie's made with a jmc handycam and some duct tape, so it was a no-brainer! cannes'll love this crap. hello Palm d'Or!'"

"live, laugh, love, screw, drink, smoke, run, swim, shit, laugh again, sing, sleep, and eat some cake"