Yarra River

The Yarra River during a regular flushing with Blue Loo toilet cleaner.

The Yarra River is the wonderfully scenic river that passes through the Australian city of Melbourne, Victoria. The locals claim that it is the only river in the world that is solid enough to walk on, thanks to poor sewerage networks of Melbourne.

“Yup, solid enough to make us think that it was Yarra Water that Jesus was walking on.”

~ Local Melburnians on Yarra River

“Obviously Jesus was from Melbourne.”

~ Bishop of St Patricks Cathedral Melbourne on Yarra River

“When I go to the toilet, I truly am putting the Me in Melbourne.”

~ John So on Yarra River

History

Despite common belief, the river is not natural and is actually a large open septic tank, constructed by Australian Indigenous people as an easy way to get rid of their waste. When the British arrived many years after the construction they mistook the open tank for a river and immediately began bathing, washing, rowing and nude mud wrestling in it. When a British Officer asked one of the Aboriginal men what the name of the river was the Aboriginal replied by saying Yarra, which was a variation of the word Kangaroo meaning "Um...I have no fucking clue what you are asking me but if you want to rub yourself in feces with your friends then be my guest, just remember that I won't be inviting you to anymore of my of my parties. It took my wife five days to get that stain out of the seat..." Or it could have simply meant "I don't know" depending on local dialect.

Tourism

Hahahahaha... nah..

Scenic Value

While many tourists travel to the country side to see the faint fools' gold flecks in the Yarra before it reaches the ocean, some travel to the City parts where the Yarra holds more then just a few flecks of gold. So much more that just recently a Local resident claimed that he saw large pools of gold, brown, red, and white all in 3 minutes. (This is not including the occasional Gangland Thug carcass floating by followed by a discarded shopping trolley).

Sports

Many tourists often spend some of their holiday rowing a boat along the scenic parts of the Yarra River, they would then spend the rest of their holiday in a local hospital emergency room; in some cases tourists survive the long wait and actually get treated by the hospitals finest doctors, a rare site indeed! Don't forget to take plenty of photos!

Or, if you are a true dare devil you might actually consider swimming in the river. The latest record for staying in the water is a whole minute! And the record holder only suffered three mutations in his upper body, think you can beat that? Go ahead, it's worth the year in hospital and then the further 4 years in isolation. After winning a famous grand slam victory in the 1992 and feeling indestructible, Jim Courier aurvived an infamous dip in the Yarra. Emboldened by his survival and another grand slam title the following year, he took another plunge, but this time he and his career disappeared in the glug leaving not so much as a trace.

Food

Uncyclopedia is compelled by law to state that opening your mouth within 5 kilometres of the river is really not a good idea. Uncyclopedia is also compelled by peer pressure of all those other online encyclopedias to dare you to do it...C'mon, what are you, a chicken?

Clothing

No tourism hot spot would actually be a hot spot if it wasn't for that cheap clothing that has various phrases scrawled along the front so your friends can say "Wow, you've been to...um...Mereabilin? Oh, Melbourne! Where's that?" The Yarra River T-shirts and pants are especially known for it's odour that comes with the cheap slogan, that way you can take the authentic smell of Melbourne wherever you go.

Environmental Concerns

The water's radiation eventually turns the animals on display into giant metal sculptures.

For the past few years the Australian Greens Party, them damn hippies, have been warning the government about Environmental concerns concerning the fact that the Yarra River opens up to the sea, allowing thousands of sea animals to mutate into monstrous bunyips or die each month. On the other hand, the other parties think that's pretty cool. Bet England doesn't have it's own mutated animals, huh? Melbourne is, in fact, so proud about it's mutated animals that it even caught a few and put them on display for the Commonwealth Games. One tourist even commented that the sea animals "radiated" in beauty. We didn't want to let him down so we didn't point out that it was actually Uranium that the fish was radiating in.

The well known powers of the Yarra has led to speculation that EMOs originated in this way, and are in fact mutated dwarf bunyips. Another hypothesis, rapidly gaining ground because of growing circumstantial evidence, argues that in fact they are the mutated descedants of bludgers that lay by the banks of the Yarra after shooting up.

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