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HowTo:Sell drugs

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A mobile dealer, kinda like an ice-cream truck!

Have you ever wondered "How can I sell drugs"? Well, I'm glad you asked! Let's talk...

The business of drug sales is one of the most well known, and easily accessible businesses of all time. Drug sales has a very long history as well, as soon as the monkeys evolved thumbs a simple trade began. When humans finally came around, the world was a very happy place.

They made trades with the monkeys at first, then they killed the monkeys so they could have it for free. The humans were very happy, until they got the munchies. Once everybody got the munchies, it inspired hash bars, and hash brownies, and any kind of food they could stuff full of drugs. Everybody was happy until they ran out, they didn't know you had to grow stuff, they were stuck like we are now with oil.

This period was known as the Dark Ages. During the Dark Ages, drugs became rare, so they put a price on them. People were outraged, but they got over it, because they were high. Soon only certain people could qualify to sell the drugs, the villages called them "Thee Towne Drugerien." From then on drug dealer fashion, and class, slowly eroded to what is now a lowly crackhead with a cardboard sign that has "druggs 4 munny" scribbled on it.

How to: For Beginners!

Achieving a level of "street cred" is essential.

You need to work on a facade for your new persona. For starters, follow the directions given in this article: HowTo:Be a Douchebag, and HowTo:Be a Wigger, these guidelines will change your appearance in ways that will make you stand out as a drug dealer.

Simple changes such as: Never washing your hair, Reeking of cheap cologne, Wearing sweat stained wife-beaters, are what you need to succeed! You also need a slight mask. For example, some simple masking devices: Sunglasses, Make-up, Hats, Wigs, etc. These can add to your persona, or also make a simple escape plan.

Location Location Location. You need the perfect location that matches your persona. Are you a classy dealer? A trashy dealer? or a mobile dealer? it all matters more than a simple dealer like you would think. About any inanimate object can be your HQ, ranging from: Phone Booths, Stop Signs, Vans, Your own Home, etc. It has to match, but I'll leave the deciding on this one up to you. Also will ferrell will be your biggest customer find his details straight away!

The Source

You need to get your supply from somewhere right? I mean, drugs don't just grow out of the ground.

  • The easiest simplest way to get your drugs is just to buy it all from a different dealer, then resell it at a higher price.
  • You could make it, how hard could that be?
  • Find a big man, you'll probably have to take a trip to Mexico for this one!
  • But Its better to come to Holland. They got the best weed in the world for almost the best prices.

Knowing Your Customers

One of your more frequent customers

You need to be able to guess, or "assume" what that crackhead walking up to you, wants to buy from you.

These simple observational hints can "crack or break" a deal. You will be surprised by the business you get, you will meet many new characters, examples: Dr. Rockso The Rock and Roll Clown (he does cocaine, srsly dude a lot of cocaine), Crooked Politicians and Businessmen (Cocaine), Former Star Athletes (Cocaine), okay... coincidence. Many noticeable traits are: twitchiness, madness, extreme addiction, yellow skin, well I think you get the point. You'll figure it out after a few sales!

Avoiding Jail

Only recently, people have been arrested for the selling of drugs. I guess too many people OD'd or something. Whatever. This means you have to avoid getting caught! There are two options when escaping the Police: run, or act like you are innocent. Unless if you're wearing gym shorts with that wife-beater do I recommend running away. Simple tricks like: acting like gollum with your cache of drugs "my precious *hisssss*", pretend you are texting your mom to come pick you up from soccer practice, run away and act like you did it for no reason, all of these, and more, will make the police think you are an outstanding citizen without need of arrest. In case arerest is unavoidable, i asvise wearing sweatpants with hidden pockets and no drawstring. This way your xanax supply will last at least through the first few nights of "consensual" relations with your newfound friends.

Keeping Inventory, and Restocking

In recent years, computer technology has become a nessessity for amateurs and professionals alike.

Nothing makes a customer more mad, than you not having their daily dose. If such a problem ever occurs, just calmly reassure the addict that the truck will restock the store on sundays. Your incompetence will drive customers away, remember addicts are easily angered when not intoxicated.

Payment Options

Credit Cards, Cash or Pussy? It all depends on your audience.

Are the customers trashy, or classy? We all know that your trashy customers already tried to make their own crack, and failed, leaving a huge unpayable bill from cough syrup and liquor, which ruined their credit score. You don't want that now do ya? Make them pay nice cold cash. The crooked politicians can pay any way they feel like, the money probably originated from your pocket anyway.

Only accept the big credit card companies, like mastercard and visa, we all laugh at the discover card users out there. Be sure to always accept checks though, your customers are your friends. If the check bounces, you just break their knees right? ah... good times.

See also

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Mommy's Medicine Cabinet

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