Care Bear Heroin

A big bag of Care Bear Heroin, photographed from the secret vaults of George W. Bush.

Care Bear Heroin (As Seen on TV product pron.: / keə beə ˈhɛrəʊɪn presented by none other than Andy Blank during the Tonight 'Ve Dine Dutch show.) It is also known as Smurf Tears, Glitter Glock and Viking Slush (Not to be confused with Niking Blush, the popular toenail clipper from the 2000s.) There are millions of people who have said to have tried Care Bear Heroin at least once in their lives, and the opinions are exactly 50/50 divided.

This substance was found in the walls of ancient caves during the Reformation of Cologne's city plan. It was one of the substances said to have saved the economics of both Cologne and the Dutch Space Trade in 1831. It was introduced by a company called "K.W.A.K Salve" on international markets as "Viking Slush", but renamed "Care Bear Heroin" and popularized by the Tonight 'Ve Dine Dutch show.

Substance in detail

Care Bear Heroin is characterized by its changing color during the heating process. This is the first step into deconstructing the substance from a stone with powder in the centre into smaller gemstones. By heating the big stones from the caves, the substance inside will glow brightly and have a blue tint. This is where the name "Smurf Tears" comes from. The smaller gemstones look like teardrops, however they are not ready for the market just yet.

(1R,3R)-1,2,3-trimethylcyclopentane racemic structure

(1R,3R)-1,2,3-trimethylcyclopentane diluted liquid gets added during the refining stage, where the following colors must present itself, otherwise the batch will be discarded and made into a different substance.

Pink: This shows that the refinement has started and the neutrons are starting to shake violently like Jimmy during his bar mitzvah.

Purple: This shows that the party has simmered down and the molecules are starting to slowly get back into a more solid state.

Dark blue: The last color to show up before a small implosion burns all the liquid into one solid White or Grey mass. When the substance stays dark blue, it is advised to add .5% more (1R,3R)-1,2,3-trimethylcyclopentane to force the implosion. If this implosion has not happened within 10 minutes of adding the second dosage of diluted liquid, it is sold for a cheaper type of Care Bear Heroin. It is a more dangerous type to sell all willy-nilly but merchants know that capitalism always wins in the face of the devil.

The final step before packaging the drugs is using one of the books of H.P. Lovecraft in a ritual. Eldritch gods are summoned to bless the drug and infuse them with devotion to change and demise of the so-called "earth."

Effects during usage

Art of a person addicted to Care Bear Heroin

The drug will have a bi-effect called "Bearification" that rapidly increases with the dosage. Users will see changes in their personality and expression. They often adopt the personality of a Gay Bear, a caring personality thrope after using this drug. However, this does not make their users "Gay" as the name suggests. The bi-effect makes the users extremely bisexual, loving every person, regardless of gender, they come across. This can be a problem when the person they approach does not want to be in a relationship with them. They are known to have mental-breakdowns over the slightest turn down, due to the substance stopping its dopamine release when the user gets into a negative headspace.

This "Bearification" also includes a change in Their hair growth will increase with 60%, but surprisingly still further the effect of Male Pattern Baldness or Alopecia . You might recognise a user by its fur and/or sweet smell. The drug will eventually get latched onto the sweat glands and produce a sweet, fruity smell. 

Difference between "Sleutelen" & "Zakken"

Your mom's housekey

“Sleutelen” is a Dutch slang-word, also known as “Punten pakken”, this translates into English as “Keying or Taking dots.” This slang-word is used when the substance user uses their mother’s housekey to shovel out a dot-amount of Care Bear Heroin. This is done to ration out the amount of drugs that is inside of the bag, and it’s easier to devide this between the addicts in the room, that undoubtedly will want some of it too. After keying a dot of substance, the user will bring the key to their nose and inhale with extreme force, opening up the frontal cortex, to give passage directly into the users brain.

“Zakken” is a Dutch slang-word. This translates into English as “Bagging.” Instead of a key being used for the transportation from bag to brain, or B.T.B in official terms; a single straw is sourced from the strawman, and placed halfway into the users nose. The bag is then opened and the other side of the straw is placed inside it. It is advised that the user blows out all of the air inside ones lungs so they can inhale the substance easier. With the free hand, the empty nostril is closed shut. When all of this preparation is done, the final act is done by inhaling through the nostril with the straw in it. This is done until no more air and substance can be inhaled anymore.

Life

This product and substance is used in the manufacture of various ground-breaking and life-saving inventions.