Leopard

Leopard
Scientific classification
Kingdom	Wherever people vote for untrustworthy politicians
Phylum	Nobody cares
Class	of things that eat people's faces
Order	executive order -12345689ae
Family	It will eat their faces as they voted for Donald Trump
Genus	Not quite, but smart enough to know who voted for Trump
Species	Pantera pardus
Binomial name
Devourer of Trump supporters' faces
Conservation status
Bloody millions

A leopard (scientific name Pantera eatyourfaceus) is a species of big cat that lives in Africa, Asia, and wherever else people vote for untrustworthy politicians. They are known to be fans of rock bands Pantera and Def Leppard. It has a pale yellowish to dark golden fur that's the same color as Donald Trump's wig, with dark spots grouped in rosettes. Its body is slender and muscular, reaching a length of 92–183 cm (36–72 in) with a 66–102 cm (26–40 in) long tail and a shoulder height of 60–70 cm (24–28 in). Males typically weigh 30.9–72 kg (68–159 lb), and females 20.5–43 kg (45–95 lb). They are extremely adaptable, being found all over the world, and in every habitat. It's favorite food is people's faces from those who voted for politicians who betrayed them, although in the absence of that, it eats various other mammals, birds, and occasionally other things. They are the only animals that are allowed to edit Trumpcyclopedia.

History of leopards

Evolution and early history

The leopard evolved in Ancient Greece, around the time the legislator Draco was elected. Some leopardologists think they were created from lions by Draco himself to terrorize people and to eat the faces of people who made him mad, which is why leopards eat people's faces. Some researchers believe they are actually hybrids of lions, desert locusts, house cats, and praying mantises. Aristotle himself stated that "In all carnivorous animals, excepting those of the bear and leopard, the favorite part of the prey to eat is the balls; regarding the two exceptional cases, the favorite part to eat is the face. " When their population multiplied enough, they swam across the Adriatic sea to the Roman Republic, although they never thrived there until the election of corrupt consul Gaius Pmurtus, the purported ancestor of Donald Trump himself. It's said that during the months following his election, a spate of leopard attacks was recorded, and it was not unusual in some areas for the populations of entire villages to have their faces torn off. This caused widespread panic, despair, and a breakdown of social order, and leopard hunting groups were created, although they had minimal effect on the leopard population. Leopardologists estimate that around 50000 people were killed during this time. Eventually, after Gaius Pmurtus left office, leopard attacks and sightings suddenly decreased.

Over time, the leopard would spread across all of southern Europe, corresponding to the spread of the Roman Republic, with their populations rising whenever people were betrayed by an elected official they voted for, and their populations declining as soon as said elected official leaves office. Eventually, as the republic became more and more corrupt, leopard populations increased because there were more people whose faces they could eat. Eventually, the Roman Republic was transformed into the Roman Empire by Augustus, which meant there were no more elections. Their population declined sharply as they were rounded up to be used in gladiator fights and other events in the Colosseum, and would be extinct in almost all of Europe by 100 AD due to the lack of people they could eat and because so many of them were killed in the Colosseum's animal spectacles. However, leopards survived in isolated places in Africa and Asia because the Romans couldn't find them.

19th century

A leopard outbreak was reported to have occurred in America during the presidency of James Buchanan and again during the presidency of Andrew Johnson. Some researchers believe this resulted in the extinction of mountain lions in the eastern United States from competition with leopards, although Florida panthers would survive, because Florida.

20th century

A tank containing a leopard inside

A major leopard outbreak happened shortly after the election of Adolf Hitler as the Chancellor of Germany. They were also intentionally imported from fascist Italy to Nazi Germany so Hitler could use them to discreetly kill off political opponents, as well as to kill Jews. Leopards were first sighted in the Reichstag when the Enabling Act was passed, allowing Hitler to become a dictator; some people heard strange noises that sounded like someone using a handsaw, indicating the presence of leopards. The first leopards were probably brought to Germany during World War I. Their population rapidly exploded after the night of the long knives, and again after the Nazis conquered Poland. They were mass-produced in secret laboratories, and genetically modified to target Allied troops. These "Nazi leopards" were kept in the aptly-named panther tanks, so that when the tanks were destroyed, the leopards would jump out to attack the Allies. It is estimated that by 1944, over 20000 people were attacked by leopards every day. However, most of them would be killed by the Allies after D-Day. Some 5000 leopards were killed during the battle of Berlin.

Leopard populations in America suddenly exploded after Richard Nixon became president.

21st century

Election of Vladimir Putin

A major leopard outbreak would begin after Vladimir Putin became "president" of Russia. Leopards would later be used as war animals during the war in Ukraine. It has been alleged that Vladimir Putin releases leopards into the homes of people who criticize him on social media to kill them without causing suspicion.

George W. Bush

Major outbreaks would occur during the second term of George W. Bush. However, their population declined to near-historic lows after Barack Obama became president, not to rebound until the first presidency of Donald Trump. More on that below.

Presidency of Joe Biden

Leopards had to move back to Africa after Joe was elected, because he was less corrupt than Donald Trump. However, the situation didn't get any better because of a huge famine all over Africa that prevented them from getting enough food, so they, as usual, targeted livestock, getting them killed by people who don't like to share. However, a few leopards still lived in America, preying on people who were affected by Biden-era inflation.

Second election of Donald Trump

Main article: UnNews:Leopards finally getting ready to eat people's faces next year

After Donald Trump won the 2024 election, an increase in leopard sightings in coastal cities in Africa has been noted. In January 2025, leopards would be seen on ships headed towards the United States. Leopard sightings rapidly increased during the first 100 days of the second Trump presidency. As of December 2025, over a million people have been attacked by leopards in the United States since the inauguration of Donald Trump, mainly in red states, with around 50000 deaths. The state with the highest number of leopard attacks in the United States is West Virginia, where the dense forests provide cover, allowing leopards to go undetected, and a large number of Trump supporters and minority groups to eat.

Subspecies

Numerous subspecies have been proposed

• Pantera eatyourfaceus pardus
• Pantera eatyourfaceus fuscus
• Pantera eatyourfaceus americanus
  • syn. Pantera eatyourfaceus donaldtrumpi
• Pantera eatyourfaceus germanicus
  • syn. Pantera eatyourfaceus hitleri
  • syn. Pantera eatyourfaceus augustus

Biology

Distribution and habitat

Leopards are predominantly found in Africa, Asia, and the Caucasus mountains in eastern Europe. However, they show up in other parts of the world when untrustworthy politicians are elected into public office.

Feeding habits

A leopard eating a person's face

Leopards generally eat the faces of people who voted for a corrupt politician only to be betrayed by them. It has been suggested that they can smell hormones that people produce when they feel betrayed, and they prefer the taste of those who recently felt betrayed. In the absence of corrupt elected officials, leopards will hunt those who have been cheated on by their partners. They prefer to attack by ambush, sneaking up on their victims until the last moment, before pouncing. If the prey is a human, the leopard will eat the victim's face while they are still alive. In the case of other animals, the leopard strangles it to death or breaks its spine. After biting off a person's face, they will usually come back to eat the rest of the victim's body after around 10-20 minutes. Even if the victim tries to escape, the leopard usually tracks them down easily to finish the job.

Outbreaks

Leopard outbreaks start in their natural range in Africa, Asia, and Eastern Europe, when they hear about an untrustworthy and/or corrupt politician winning an election. Outbreaks usually begin within four weeks of an election. During outbreaks, female leopards have three times as many cubs as they otherwise would, and cubs reach maturity within six months, rather than the usual three years. Just before the main phase of a leopard outbreak, leopards begin showing up more in coastal cities and towns, hoping to catch a ride on ships heading to the country where the corrupt politician wins an election. Outbreak leopards, also called "face-eaters" generally time their departures to reach their destination within days of the politician's inauguration. They are bolder, more aggressive, and less fearful of humans than their non-outbreak counterparts. The leopard population explodes again within the next year, after which, the leopard outbreak enters its main phase. The main phase lasts until the corrupt elected official leaves office or dies, which lasts from years to decades (if the elected official becomes a dictator). After this, the population declines significantly, as the leopards begin to turn on and cannibalize each other. Most of them flee back to their native countries, but a few stay and keep a low profile, waiting for the next outbreak, which may or may not happen within their lifetimes.

Life cycle

Leopards fuck year round. Male leopards have extremely small penises that grow 1 cm long when hard, but unlike humans with small dicks, they always satisfy their partners. Despite this, they have a divorce rate of 100%, as their relationships fade within days of meeting each other. To make up for this, a leopard pair will f*ck over a thousand times a day during the few days they are together. The secret to a male leopard's partner satisfaction rate despite their extremely small dicks is the fact that they have spines on their penises that bring their partners to orgasm almost instantaneously. It's so sudden that the male leopard has to hold his partner by the neck to keep her under control.

After a leopard pair inevitably break up, the female leopard gives birth after around 3 months. It usually takes around 3 years for leopard cubs to reach adulthood, though they will grow faster if they listen to rock music or if Donald Trump is the president.

Music tastes

Leopards like rock music, and especially like the bands Pantera and Def Leppard. It is unknown why they especially like these two bands. They also listen to death metal, probably because the lyrics remind them of the gruesome act of tearing off people's faces.

How to avoid having your face bitten off by a leopard

• If a politician says suspicious things when campaigning, such as "dictator on day one", it's best to check them before voting. If said politician somehow wins the election, follow the instructions below:
• If attacked by a leopard, stay calm. If you run, the leopard will chase you. Instead, maintain eye contact at all times. If it pounces, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT before it bites off your face (although it's probably too late for you by then, leopards are over ten times stronger than humans, despite being around the same size).
• Play music from Pantera or def Leppard (although any rock music will do) to show that you are a friend, not Donald Trump an enemy
• Don't ever try to huff a leopard, no matter how much you feel like it. They are not like regular kittens. They are extremely unpredictable and dangerous wild animals.
• Lastly, NEVER, EVER VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP!

What to do if a leopard eats your face

If a leopard bites off your face, seek medical attention immediately before you bleed to death. Just kidding. The leopard will probably come back and eat the rest of you. However, if you somehow survive and manage to seek medical attention to get a new face, then you must immediately question your life choices and vote democrat during the next available election, if you voted for Trump in 2024. Additionally, vandalizing MAGA signs can help you recover more quickly.

See also

• HowTo:Change a leopard's spots