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- 1815 - Andrew Jackson defeats the British in New Orleans, catching them by surprise while they're celebrating the peace treaty.
- 1828 - The Democratic Party is formed on the principles of looking respectable and competent while doing absolutely nothing else.
- 1942 - Henry Ford declares his allegiance to Adolf Hitler's dictatorship, repaints all Model T's white.
- 1964 - Lyndon B. Johnson declares a "War on Poverty", millions of poor people are mercilessly exterminated before Johnson clarifies, "That's not what I meant..."
- 2009 - Kellogg's continues to conquer the cereal market with smack (Pictured) after finally dropping the honey flavoring and just selling it straight up.
- 2010 - Scientists discover that stomach acid causes breast cancer, but only when digested. Sorry, Carlin.