Extinction
“Everyone out of the pool...the gene pool, that is.”
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Extinct species are dead. All of them. Not hiding out on South American plateaus, not to be found deep in the African jungles, not quietly thriving on Skull Island. Not sleeping or living with some nice family on a farm somewhere. They're dead.
That's the derivation of the word, you see. Imagine when millions of dinosaurs died in that unfortunate comet incident - that's right, you've got it. After a couple of days, they start to stink. Stink... extincts so much. Get it? Extincts? Huh. Tough crowd.
Extinctionability Rating[edit | edit source]
The WWF, or World Wrestling Federation, has given every animal on earth an Extinctionability Rating. This rating is based on a formula, which follows:
a= Animal's Average IQ
b= Animal's Maximum Speed in Kilometers per hour
c= Number of Square Kilometers on earth that the animal is able to live
d= Number of food sources (in species) the animal shares with humans
e= Number of stupid religions that consider a part of the animal to be medicinal
f= Number of recipes in which the animal appears in the Joy of Cooking)
As you can imagine, having a high rating is good. When applied correctly, the formula will not only show how well the animal is doing comparatively to other animals, but will give a rough estimate of the animal's remaining population on earth. Here are some example extinctionabliliy factors:
- North American Gray Wolf - 10,092
- Chicken - 10,342,199,754
- Chinese River Dolphin - 12
- n00b - 23,145,229
- Sting - 1
Ancient Extinctions[edit | edit source]
Believe it or not, things went extinct long before humans appeared. If you are a fundamentalist Christian, please skip the following prehistorical section as it is composed of lies propegated by Satan to test your faith.
Trilobites[edit | edit source]
In the Cambrian era, the ocean floors crawled with horrible scuttling creatures called Trilobites. These primitive life forms did little except feel each other up in the dark. They are the only known species to perish because of they were too gross.
Dinosaurs[edit | edit source]
For millions of years after the disappearance of the trilobites, no interesting life existed on earth. There were fish, I guess, and maybe that beastie that first crawled out of the ocean. However, they were merely a rehearsal for the most collectable species ever to walk the earth: Dinosaurs.
Dinosaurs came in a number of fascinating shapes and sizes. Your standard dinosaur was a slow, bloated herbivore that lumbered around going "oooOOOOOooooo". Then there were big scary carnivores that stomped about on two legs and were like, "Huuuuuuurrrrrgh!!!" There were also tiny little ones that scampered everywere and were like, "Shriek! Shriek!"
The age of the dinosaurs came to a spectacular close at the end of the Mesozoic era when a gigantic space-rock the size of Texas slammed into the earth with force equal to Michael Moore sitting down. Sadly, neither Timecop, nor the Sliders, nor any other time/space adventurers have been able to prevent this tragedy. The the impact raised a huge dust cloud which blotted out the sun, causing a nookular winter on earth that lasted three years. Unable to stand the Saskatchewan-like conditions, the dinosaurs committed mass-suicide.
Thundercats[edit | edit source]
Cenozoic fossil evidence exists of an intelligent race of cat-men who went around solving various esoteric quests, dubbed Homo Catus. These primitive people were on the move, so it is difficult to track their settlements, but it is thought that they may have mastered metal-working long before humanity. It is believed they even mastered domestication, raising another species, Felis Silvestris Snarfus for food.
Scientists are puzzled at the disappearance of the Thundercats, but the only female surviving female fossil, whom paleontologists have dubbed "Cheetara", indicates that the woman did not give birth. This suggests that she was either a stone-cold bitch, or that male thundercats were gay. Surviving Thundercat clothing supports the latter hypothesis.
Modern Extinctions[edit | edit source]
Most modern extinctions, that is to say extinctions within recorded history, are the direct or indirect result of mankind's actions. Biologists agree that these extinctions are well-deserved. If these idiotic creatures had evolved properly, they might have been able to stand up to us, or at least get domesticated.
Dodo[edit | edit source]
The bird that is synonymous with extinction. The dodo was found on the island of Mauritius, and had no natural predators. As a result, it had evolved to function on as little energy as possible. It was unable to fly or run quickly, did not defend itself, and it didn't mate very often. In this way, it resembles the North American Nerd, which has just been placed on the endangered species list along with the Common Gamer and the White-Speckled Trekkie.
Dodos were also infamously trusting. When confronted with Portuguese sailors wielding clubs, the dodo's natural reaction was to approach and say, "I say old boy. Terribly nice to meet you." Even when the club-blows began to fall, a colony of dodos would simply stand by, sipping tea and murmering, "Those chaps are boors, ain't they, wot?" From the time the Portuguese arrived in Mauritius in 1598, the dodo species lasted exactly 42.3 seconds until it went extinct.
Passenger Pigeon[edit | edit source]
In 19th-century America, the enemy of the moneyed class was not the proletariat, as Karl Marx proposed, but the passenger pigeon. Huge swarms of these birds criss-crossed the estates of the rich in their migratory patterns, eating berries, mussing-up lawns and shitting all over waiting sports-carriages. It is thought that ladies in this period used umbrellas not for rain, but to prevent being shat upon by passenger pigeons.
At the beginning of the 19th century, the rich watched the skies in fear, unable to protect their property and their ladies, as muzzle-loading muskets could not kill the pigeons fast enough to make a dent in their population. However, as rifle technology developed and breech-loading cartridges appeared, accurate weapons with quick rates of fire became available to the wealthy. In a field test conducted in 1872 by Winchester with .44-40 rifles, five gentlemen in a shooting party eliminated 42 birds in a passing flock in six minutes.
However, the passenger pigeon was not seriously threatened until 1883 when Hiram Maxim invented the machine gun. After this date, parties of gentlemen could be seen roaming the American countryside, setting up machine guns on tripods, aiming at the skies and decimating flocks of passenger pigeons. In 1914 the last passenger pigeon on earth died of old age in the Chicago zoo, and the machine gun, bereft of usefulness, seemed not far behind. However, German military engineers soon discovered that by aiming machine guns at the horizon instead of the sky, they could be used on human targets instead of birds. Soon, the guns were distributed to German troops in the trenches, resulting in many stereotypical World War I scenes.
Baiji[edit | edit source]
It could be called the feel-good children's story of our age. It's the story of a plucky river dolphin in China who had a dream. Ever since he evolved, little Baiji dreamed that one day he might go extinct. So he got up every morning and practiced every day to be just as speedy as he could.
All the other endangered crowded at the banks of the Yangtze and laughed at little Baiji swimming to and fro as fast as he could. Mr. Panda said, "Ho ho ho, slow down, little fellow. You'll never go extinct like that. If you want to go extinct, you have to be slow and dumb like me!" But little Baiji had a dream, so he ignored Mr. Panda and swam as fast as he could.
Mr. Tiger snickered and growled, "Hiss! You silly dolphin! If you want to go extinct, you have to eat humans like me! Make them afraid of you! Humans will never hunt you to extinction if you're little and cute." But little Baiji had a dream, so he ignored Mr. Tiger and swam as fast as he could.
Then one day, Mr. Human decided that Baiji was being silly. "Stop trying to go extinct, little Baiji," said Mr. Human, "Your quest is really dumb and uninspirational." But little Baiji had a dream, so he ignored Mr. Human. "I'll teach you," shouted Mr. Human, "I'll catch you and force you to mate, thus causing you to repopulate."
Mr. Human boarded his boat, but try as he would, he couldn't catch little Baiji. He reached into the river with nets, but Baiji was always the faster swimmer. Then, Mr. Human thought he had Baiji cornered, but the little dolphin was swimming so fast that he blundered into a boat propeller and died.
From that day on Baiji was functionally extinct. Mr. Tiger and Mr. Panda weren't laughing anymore. But that was mainly because they had been poached and their internal organs sold on the black market.
The Northern Jamesed Brown[edit | edit source]
Homo Soulicus, otherwise known as the Northern Jamesed Brown, was an interesting species of primate first discovered by naturalist Syd Nathan in 1955. It was noted for superficial similarities to Homo Sapiens and had a dark skin complexion. However, Homo Soulicus was far more flexible, noisy, and nocturnal than Homo Sapiens. When threatened, the Northern Jamesed Brown would emit an ear-piercing howl that would frighten away predators. According to Dr. Nathan, the Jamesed Brown had been living amongst humans undetected for at least twenty years, many of those in captivity.
Dr. Nathan noted when he first discovered the Northern Jamesed Brown that the species was in serious danger, as he was unable to find another female of the species. As a result of this, he and other biologists encouraged the mating of Homo Soulicus with Homo Sapiens. They publicly displayed the creature's curious mating dance, which consisted of a series of jerky groin movements and screams, in hopes of attracting a human female. While this strategy resulted in a number of inter-species copulations, the program was halted because the Brown savagely beat several of the females.
The the 21st century saw a noticiable decline in the health of the world's only Northern Jamesed Brown. They noted the creature's complaints that it didn't feel good and its inability to say it loud. On Christmas Day, 2006, Homo Soulicus finally lay down on that thang and never got up offa it again.
Preventing Extinction[edit | edit source]
Since humanity has become aware of extinction it has begun to ask the question: is extinction a good thing? Most people in modern society agree that extinction is bad. Yet, while humans have shown concern that extinctions are occurring at an alarming rate, most are doing shit-all to prevent it. Here are some actions activists are taking to halt extinction:
Eating Lots of Burgers[edit | edit source]
One proposed way for humans to cut down on extinction is to stop eating endangered animals. This means that when people are faced with the choice of killing and eating an endangered Amazon jaguatirica or eating a delicious cheeseburger from McDonald's, they should eat the burger.
However, primitive tribes living in the Amazon basin continue to hunt and eat jaguatiricas. McDonald's restaurants, in conjunction with the Brazilian government and cattle ranchers, have enacted a brilliant solution to the problem. By destroying the habitat of rainforest tribes and hunting down their women, followed by a settling campaign of cattle ranches, more and more burgers are becoming available to the public. Therefore, when faced with the conundrum of eating a burger or a jaguatirica, more people will be able to make the right choice.
Making Extinct Animal Theme Parks[edit | edit source]
America's theme parks have come to the rescue of extinct species in recent years, using the hubris-free science of cloning. Utilizing DNA extracted from mosquitoes entombed in resin, many extinct species have been recreated, a decision that will certainly not have any sort of ironic penance wrought in blood. The species are put on display to be admired by visitors in complete safety, monitored by automated security computers that never malfunction, even in rainstorms when sabotaged by greedy fat guys. The parks are considered to be so secure that Bill Weisman, secretary of the American Theme Park Association, declared in a 2007 press conference, "Ladies and Gentlemen, nothing natural can escape these parks, and by saying this, I am certainly not invoking any sort of karmic vengeance that will punish all humanity for playing God." Parks currently supported by the ATPA include Mesozoic Playground, The Austin T-Rex Petting Zoo, and the One-eyed One-horned Flying Purple People-Eater Preserve of Tampa.
Committing Mass Suicide[edit | edit source]
It is commonly known that human encroachment is the number one-cause of modern extinctions. In the coming years, human overpopulation will only make the problem worse. There simply are too many people. So if you're wavering on the subject, put the fucking shotgun in your mouth and pull the trigger, 'cuz you're not doing any good to anyone.
