Fort Lee, New Jersey

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This article may be Overly American. Brits may not understand humor, only humour. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't attempt to fix this, or I'll haul yaw ass.

The Trolled and Profane Capitalist German-car Apartment-Borough of Fort Lee
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
(Life is achieved with ample cash and an ample stable of cars)
Official languages Korean, English, Broken English, Engrish, Spanglish and Russian.
Un-official languages Chinese, Japanese, Español, Thai, Hebrew, Arabic, Armenian, ShiiteShiite, "Cool-guy speak", Italian, French and Filipino.
Capital Manhattan
Mayor His Excellency Bill de Blasio Jay-Z
Head of State His Most Serene and Gracious Leader Kim Il-sung
Governing agency The Soul market
Incorporation lolwut?
Religion Money
Currency American Express Black Cards, Marijuana, Cocaine, BMWs


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Fort Lee, New Jersey.
There's a lot of Asians here.

Captain Obvious

This is like New York's really annoying little sister.

Oscar Wilde

Fort Lee, New Jersey New York (which is somehow not named after Robert E. Lee) was founded in 1919 by "American" drunkard Donald Trumpet Orangeman, who made the town's overly-official name as The Trolled and Profane Capitalist German-car Borough of Fort Lee

It became a part of the United States in 1970 by "joining" New York City as its sixth borough, after New Jersey supposedly ceased to exist. In 1986, it became known as New York's Troll Capital, after the Glorious Fort Lee militia defeated Québec Queerbec in the War of the Sacred Troll Heart.

The First Motion Picture Capital of America[edit]

Supposedly when Fort Lee was still a part of New Jersey, it was the primary city of America's motion picture industry. Many Fort-Leeites are not proud of this, because Fort Lee was not the early Hollywood. Fort Lee was actually the Pornography capital of the world before the Silicon Boob Valley of California took the title in the year 1972, which simultaneously happened during Watergate.... Enough with my totally correct analysis of the San Pornando Valley, let's get back to Fort Lee's former glory (much like the washed-up porn stars that it spat out). The most famous porn films ever filmed in Fort Lee were Casablanca, Vertigo, The Day the Earth Stood Still and Bullitt. Yes, these were porn films. The only reason why you don't know is because of your education. (If you're from Jesusland.) Many sex-addicted individuals called this period the "Golden Age" of Fort Lee, while most refer to it as the "Skeet-Encrusted Era" of Fort Lee.

Becoming part of the United States[edit]

In 1968, after the premiere of the extraordinarily sexy porn film of Bullitt, New Jersey ceased to exist. Fort Lee had always had an obsession with New York City, specifically the borough of Manhattan. In 1970, after annoying the living shit out of New York City, Fort Lee became New York City's 6th borough, and thus became a part of the equally capitalist United States of America. America sought to keep Fort Lee as the world leader in pornography, but this clearly did not happen. Despite this, Fort-Leeites were discovering things to alleviate their concerns over the porn industry leaving like German cars and marijuana. At this point, Fort Lee transitioned from an industry based upon ugly porn stars to one based off the Soul Market. This led to the hyper-capitalist, cocaine-fueled Duran Duran era of Fort Lee, in which the entire borough became a giant stereotype. In fact, Fort Lee's soul exchange became, and still is, the largest in the world, overtaking the New York, London and Baghdad Soul Exchanges. Don't believe me? You should. You bothered to read this. In fact, I'm surprised as to how you got here in the first place.

War of the Sacred Troll Heart[edit]

A normal resident of Fort Lee

In the Duran Duran era, Fort Lee had just fallen from its position as the world's pr0nography capital. However, the queer-laden "brave" militia of the People's République of Québec attempted to attack and annex Fort Lee. However, because the militia of Fort Lee was fueled by Cocaine, Québec failed miserably in their invasion. As an acknowledgement of Fort Lee's superior military skills, Molsonbec sends 6 billion tons of poutine a month to Fort Lee, which is then shat on by the local populace. This shitting ceremony gave Fort Lee the Sacred Troll Heart, and thus made it a Trolled and Profane Borough.


  • 90% Korean
  • 2% Chinese
  • 1% Japanese
  • 5% Weirdos
  • 2% Everyone else

Fort Lee has a population of approximately 37 billion people. The average salary in Fort Lee is US$500,000,000 a year (You mad, peasants?) and the poverty rate is 0%. How is the poverty rate 0%? Simple. All the poor and homeless people were sent to this place.

Modern Fort Lee[edit]

An example of Fort Lee's affluence

Today, Fort Lee is a bustling little borough of YuppiesYuppies, Trolls, Koreans and Hipsters who think and say they live in New York even though most New Yorkers don't even think of Fort Lee as a borough. (In other words, Fort Lee is like a richer version of Staten Island.) Expensive cars roam Fort Lee's unpaved freshly paved roads. Unfortunately for others, these car buyers just bought their drivers licenses. Thus, driving in Fort Lee is often best described as tortuous lovely. Cars often sway from lane to lane serenely, often with no turn signal placed while doing so. Fort Lee is also known for having more apartment buildings than in all of Russia, many for people who want to get into debt happiness as quickly as possible. Modern Fort Lee is also known for having a massive Korean population. In fact, most stores in Fort Lee are actually Korean, meaning that you will see something like this (음경) EVERYWHERE you go. This has led to many people in Fort Lee petitioning the city council to change the name to Fort Rhee. However, this request has been denied.

Another hallmark of Fort Lee today is that many famous people have lived here. Jay-Z (who's the mayor), Osama bin Laden, Rick Moranis, Nicolas Cage, Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-il and the Doge are all living in Fort Lee. They have been spotted in places such as 9-Eleven, the local Masonic Temple, Starbucks and Tim Horton's. Supposedly normal people live here too, although this has yet to be proven. Fort Lee's school system is unlike any other school system in the world in that it has an everlasting game of Musical ChairsMusical Chairs in the higher positions of its Board of Education. This dysfunction harmony means that all of Fort Lee's "schools", particularly the "high school" ("high" referring to the sheer amount of drugs consumed after school hours), are hopeless.

Ayatollah George Washington-Bush Bridge[edit]

OK, I have been trying to avoid talking about our semi-famous bridge for a while, but I'm afraid I cannot. For those of you still reading, the bridge was constructed in pre-history to let Manhattanites get their porn fix from Fort Lee as fast as possible. After the porn industry fell through, it became a bridge for lemmings "commuters" going to and from the soul markets of Manhattan and Fort Lee. Much of the killed hobos and poor people formerly living in Fort Lee now make up part of the structure of the Ayatollah George Washington-Bush Bridge. These dead bodies are considered the most sturdy and rigid parts of the bridge.