Chiggers
Chiggers (Chinkus nigeris) are the bright yellow or black parasitic larva of a certain species of mite that feeds on the skin and other tissues of mammals, including humans, causing irritation, uncomfortablness, and a severe drop in a neighborhood's land value.
Etymology[edit | edit source]
The word chigger is thought to be a pontmanteau of the words chink (an informal term for the South African chincherinchee plant, often where chiggers are found dwelling) and Niger, the country where chiggers first originated and were brought to America aboard seagoing vessels. Accidentally, of course.
Life cycle[edit | edit source]
Chiggers (or to use the technical term, cheegroes) begin their life in the larval stage. Young chiggers can most often be found in berry patches, woodland undergrowth, or delapitated housing, living with several other chiggers in the same room. Young chiggers are considered pretty cute by other insects, until they reach adolescence, whereupon they spin a protective cocoon of silk and metamorphosize into belligerent, disrespectful youths. It is around this time that the least inane chiggers begin applying for enrollment in institutions of higher learning in a scorned attempt to intigrate into human society, whereby they are undoubtedly accepted for their exemplary, almost unnatural knack for math and the arts (including the art of drive-by's & thievery), and thereby destroy any real people's chance of admission. School shootings are a favorite pastime of young chiggers.
In their adult stage, most chiggers move past a phase of drug and video game addiction, into a sad attempt at making a living. Many open up liquor shops in inner city neighborhoods - the best possible market for selling booze to drunk-ass chiggers who need it to survive.
Diet[edit | edit source]
Chiggers sustain themselves on a curious diet of oriental food, fried chicken, and purple Kool-Aid, while most adults also enjoy the nectar of the malt liquor and soy sauce flowers. In addition, many chiggers are parasites, attaching themselves to and leeching off welfare trees.
Anatomy[edit | edit source]
With their distinct and often hybrid features, chiggers are an unmistakable and unique creature. They possess wide, swollen lips for sucking in as much Kool-Aid and malt liquor as possible, coupled with squinty, almost non-existant eyes(thought to be an evolutionary reaction to living in the darkness of their brethren for so long). With such massive lips obstructing their already tiny eyes, it's a wonder chiggers can see at all. It is for this reason, as well as a noteworthy dependence on weed, that chiggers are not allowed to drive.
A curious trait of the chigger is their at times oxymoronic genitals. Due to enhanced hybridization, male chiggers carry average size penises that are neither too small, or too massive. Female chiggers have horizontal-running vaginas, and are known for being nappy-headed hos. Their loud calls can be heard frequently in any given movie theater.
Interaction with humans[edit | edit source]
Chiggers are looked down upon by society, where they are seen as a nuisance and a threat to neighborhoods: eating away at the foundations of homes, posing safety concerns to our pets, and increasing the crime rate. Chigger infestations are rare for the most part, but many chiggers have begun to pool in select American cities such as Atlanta and Philadelphia. All attempts at extermination have failed. Adolescent chiggers are especially feared not only for their mad kong fu skillz and affinity for stealing auto parts, but also for their ceaseless pursuit of young white females, making them a threat to our gene pool.
Chiggaz[edit | edit source]
Chiggaz are an uncommon strain of chigger, distinguished by their paradoxical array of self-incriminating tom-wiggery. They are prone to wearing oversized medallions, shirts, or trousers, preferably FUBU, and always with the words "Azn Pride" emblazoned when in reality they have about as much cultural identity with true Asians as Hanson has in common with masculinity. Chinese and Japanese characters surround their pale, scaly bodies; their hair is most often dyed red, spiked, and parted to one side, resembling the common North American fag. In an attempt to cover this unruly sign of queerness, chiggaz wear bandanas they like to pretend are doo-rags, further incriminating their sexuality.
Chiggaz, and some run-of-the-mill chiggers, have an odd fascination with Spongebob Squarepants. High school chiggers will often spend copious amounts of money to have gangsta' Spongebob airbrushed onto their T-shirts, and wear it as a symbol of rank among their clan.
Chiggaz can be seen riding around town on their chiggasized souped-up yolk-yellow Escalades, talking to their chigga girlfriends on their Motorola's, picking fights with other chiggaz, pretending they know how to drift, and looking all-around chiggalicious. Which apparently means going to black clubs acting like suburban homeboyz and getting their skinny chigger asses kicked by real gangsters. WORD.