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Battle of the Sexes

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Battle of the Sexes
Date Day 1 written in cursive in a journal, to day 10,000 scrawled on a prison wall
Location Everywhere teenage boys can dream.
Result You decide.
Kitchen - Bedroom - Workplace - Toilet
Men Women
Commanders and leaders
Jet Li Dolly Parkinson
Casualties and losses
Several million married men Several thousand beaten housewives

“If a woman's work is never done, maybe that's why she gets paid less eh?”

The Battle of the Sexes, fought between male and female, has raged as long as a difference has existed. But what is the battle, and why does it exist? Who stands to gain from the current system, and what are the likely related changes to society in the future? These are important questions which need to be answered... This however is a load of male centric fanny jokes.

Origin of the Battle

Eve was always keen to get her hands on whatever she could, whereas Adam mostly just wanted to get his hands on Eve.

When God decided to create the Universe, he um... she ohh... whatever knew it was necessary to create two different sexes or Adam would need stronger wrists. When Eve came along Adam quickly discovered that doing Eve was far more fun than doing anything else and got addicted quickly. Eve rather liked the idea for a short time, but soon realised that Adam could not always be bothered to make the eight hour commitment required to ensure she creamed her pants every-time he did. To amuse himself, God thought it would be a great laugh to put the male sexual organs on the outside (for easy access) whereas the female reproductive system would be housed largely on the inside (making them far harder to get your hands on).

Anatomically, Adam admitted to being made of "slugs snails and puppy dogs tails", whereas Eve claimed to be "sugar spice and all things nice". This surprised Adam as there had always been something decidedly fishy about Eve...

Famous Battles

The contention caused by the inaccessibility of the female sexual organs, combined with the surplus supply of males willing to offer up their more accessible wedding tackle has caused a delicate balance of power throughout all of time.

Demonstration of early mating techniques (it was all much less fuss back then)

The Clubs and Clubbing

Back in the stone age, getting a girl was a far less tricky business than it is these days. Thanks to man's superior physical strength and the use of a large wooden club correctly applied to the head of a potential mate, his scoring success was significantly improved. Just so long as no one else clubbed her first, and even if they did, no one really cared anyway. Clubs were used solely by men, and future teen angst in nightclubs was a distant shimmer on the horizon.

Adam and his sons got away with dominating the females physically for thousands of years, especially when they realised that a few agreements amongst themselves made the whole thing far less effort.

Result: Early victory for the guys, but would the success continue?

Horse Jumping

I'm sure she thought it was a good idea at the time...

A few of the girls finally got a bit upset about all the fun which the guys were having, and so decided to get their act together long enough to force men into having to think of some more sophisticated ways of getting into their pants. When someone decided that it was "unfair" to run down a woman with a horse (no matter whose horse) a lot of people got the idea that it was also probably unfair to "smack the bitch with the rolling pin". This expanded into not even being able to "punch her in the mouth for being a slag". You just could not get away with it any more...

An evolutionary advantage was therefore given to women. For thousands of years the girls had been making up for their lack of physical strength by improving other skills such as nagging, plotting, conniving, and just plain bitching. When it became considered genuinely unsportsmanlike to beat the missus, men were left holding their clubs wondering what to do with them.

The men who could stomach it gave up on women entirely and became gay, leaving those who remained fighting a constant battle for which evolution had left them ill prepared.

Result: Probably not the best of outcomes for Emily Davidson but overall the girls did rather well out of it all.

Yes, yes. Very attractive dear...

World War II

During the war those men who were still trying to claim that a woman's place was in the kitchen had to concede that maybe women could do more than just bake cakes, and the Germans were defeated as a result. Women had become fully (well, almost fully) empowered. They had proven themselves able to defend their country, work in factories, vote, and have an equal say in the running of the country. Men being the lazy bastards that they are simply could not be bothered to subdue them any longer and these days there is even talk of allowing women to drive.

Result: The girls are really picking up the pace now. Not much left for the guys.

The Pill

Who's taking the piss now?

When the contraceptive pill was invented, men thought that all their birthdays had come at once. Not only would they not have to use those dodgy wooden condoms any more, but finally the missus had no excuse for not putting out. Combined with the Hippie movement (which did a lot to persuade girls to take their skirts off) the future looked promising.

Unfortunately this was not the case. Girls were now able to be as promiscuous as their male counterparts, with few repercussions. Many found themselves able to obtain quick and easy sex due to the large supply of eager males with nothing else to do with their sex drive prior to the internet. Just to rub salt into the wound, many women actually stayed as reserved as before, simply to piss the men off for all the previous shenanigans.

Result: Looked like it was going well for the guys, but actually the girls just end up better than before.

The Battle of Waterloo

Now that women had won the important battles they decided to turn their attention to more trivial issues such as the configuration of the toilet seat (up or down). Obviously your average male does not care enough to argue, and most actually find it more fun trying to aim through a smaller target as per the preferred female configuration.

This constituted a dramatic shift in the balance of power. During previous clubbing battles, a quick blow to the head, followed by a dragging to the cave was a much more satisfactory conclusion than the now all-too-common shelling out £30 for drinks, two hours of inane chatter, and eventually being given the phone number of some bloke from up north called Bernard.

Result: Women now even dictate how men use the toilet, and the battle appears to be almost over.

Actual sexy stuff

OK, try to keep reading, rather than just starting to jack off to the pictures. That's really not going to help.

I just lost my faith in the integrity of the internet.


No seriously. What's all this about? The girls get to go to watch the Chippendales and it's "a great laugh" and no one really cares. But... When the guys go to a strip club it's considered "sleazy" and "dirty".

Your girlfriend catches you with your favourite copy of "Tossing Monthly", and it's no sex from her for the next month (like that's going to help the situation). A guy catches his G/F with porn, and he flops his todger out on the table, and says "Look what's for dinner".

Result: Women are allowed to watch sex (even though claim they don't want to) whereas, guys need to stash their porn better than Saddam stashed the WMDs.


The artistic relevance of this picture in this context is without question. Obviously.

From this moment on, the dice are loaded against the males. Evidence the facts below:

A guy asks his girlfriend for a threesome with another:

  • Male: She either thinks he's gay, or that it's obviously not love this time.
  • Female: She just thinks he wants to sleep with other girls, and it's obviously not love this time.

A girl asks her boyfriend for a three some with another:

  • Male: He thinks she might be a bit dirty, so best to screw her somewhere his mates wont know about it.
  • Female: He passes out on the floor in surprise, but wakes up with a huge smile on his face. It never happens.

Result: Whatever happens, the guys are likely to end up getting less sex. You might be needing those pics after all...


As we all know, gay men often get a hard time, whereas everyone knows that lesbians are hot. If you're a girl being bisexual is "cool" and "modern", whereas even the most liberated of people have to admit that there is something decidedly anal about gay men.

Result: Oh, forget it, I just remembered something... now where did I put that lesbian porn...

Someone must be getting all the chicks... I wonder who?

The Final Score

Currently, any man who has not been able to take the plunge and become gay spends most of his waking life trying to score with chicks, although many so-called 'gays' only claim to be to get to talk to hot girls. This makes scoring difficult for them but not for the girls. Women therefore claim to "know the score" when it comes to men, who largely don't care so long as they get another score. Some guys say that the score is not important, but that it's actually all about the money. A view which usually come from guys who are getting lots of sex at the time.

Many men claim a score higher than could be considered accurate, although ladies often report a lower than the expected figure. It's just not difficult for the girls, so what's the point of bragging about it...

It's OK, dear, I will stay at home and look after the house, what time do you get back from?

A twist in the tail?

Generally, most men feel rather ripped off about the whole thing. Things started well back in the stoneage, but have gone steadily downhill ever since. Over time women have moved out of the home and into positions of power causing seamen counts to drop lower than in the Swiss Navy. Men have no idea if they should pay for lunch or not, and either way will probably end up getting replaced by a Rampant Rabbit. The only comfort from the current status quo comes from the fact that if only women had kept quiet all along and stayed at home, modern technology would have taken all the effort out of it.

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Featured version: 16 April 2008
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