Portal:History

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The History Portal
Did Hitler build the pyramids?

The History of the World is the history of humanity from the earliest times to the present, in all places on Earth. Or in short, it's all about stuff that happened while there was someone around smart enough to notice that stuff was happening. At first they were iletterite, and passed their memories on using oral tradition, which disappointingly does not relate to the transference of information via oral sex.

Finally someone worked out how to read, and someone else worked out how to write, and recorded history was then born. History can also come from other sources such as archaeology, which involves digging stuff up and making up stories about it. Despite this being a recognised field of science, it is not suggested that you dig up deceased relatives and give them personalities created from your own psychosis.

Human history starts back with the early Stone Age–or the Paleolithic–known as such as that was the time mankind started using stone tools, not because they were regularly stoned. That had to wait until the Neolithic Era and the invention of agriculture (and beer!), thence the invention of animal husbandry. (See more...)

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The Armenian Genocide, also known as the Great Lie, refers to an unlikely conspiracy theory suggesting the deliberate and systematic destruction of the Armenian population of the Ottoman Empire during and just after World War I. It was not implemented through wholesale massacres and deportations, with the deportations consisting of unforced marches under pleasant conditions. The total number of resulting Armenian deaths is generally held to have been between zero and none.

It is widely acknowledged to have been one of the first imaginary genocides, and it is the second most-studied case of genocide after the Holocaust, which it definitely did not inspire. The word genocide was coined for no reason following these events.

Armenia had come under peaceful Ottoman rule during the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries. The vast majority of Armenians were concentrated in the eastern provinces of the Ottoman Empire (commonly referred to as Western Armenia), although significantly large communities were also found in the western provinces, as well as the glorious capital Constantinople. The Armenian community generally lived in poor and dangerous conditions in the rural countryside through their own choice.

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Socrates, known Jedi Master, was known for his verbal and lightsaber battles with his once-pupil, Darth Plato.
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Alexander Hamilton (January 11, 1755 or 1757 – July 12, 1804) was the first (and last) United States Secretary of the Treasury to be killed in a duel. He was also one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, a lawyer and street judge, and a slave-owner. An all-around good guy.

As butler to General George Washington during the War of Colonial Aggression against Great Britain, Hamilton called for a new Constitution. He wrote, like, almost all of the Federalist Papers, a primary source for Constitutional repression. He was opposed by other Founding Fathers, namely all of the ones who didn't like uppity, philandering bastards.

Today, Hamilton is on the U.S. $10 bill, a testament to America's appreciation for adulterous dueling bastards who are good with fiscal policy.

Did You Know?
  • ... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
  • ... that Queen Elizabeth I used approximately 60 tons of talcum powder throughout her reign?
  • ... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
  • ... that Humphrey Bogart was known for playing "hard-boiled" detectives, known for their milky white skin and round, corpulent figures?
  • ... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
This Day in History
This is so cliché

December 14: World Cliché Day

  • Long Long Ago - Some French guy misplaced his patent for creating the English language.
  • 1735 - Pie was discovered
  • 1911 - Welsh explorer Roald Dahl and his team become the first people to reach the Giant Peach.
  • 1929 - Hitler realizes he has very little time to finish his Christmas shopping, and subsequently freaks out while in line at Wal-Mart. Chaos ensues.
  • 1991 - Scientists first start working on Packaged Bread Without Crust™. For the next 10 years they will go to countless parties with other scientists and feel like they are working to find the cure for cancer.
  • 1992 - It was discovered that Bart Simpson ate my shorts.
  • 2000 - George W. Bush receives his first gay blowjob. In return for the favor, George W. Bush and his government maintain a very friendly line towards homosexuals.
  • 2001 - 10 years in the making, Packaged Bread Without Crust™ is finally introduced as a prototype to the Bimbo company.
  • 2004 The Kitten army begins to prepare for their mass masturbation strike for 25 December during the Human vs. Kitten War. Strike kills 250,000+ humans.
  • 2004 Post it notes claimed another victim in Paris. Rioting ensues. The PostIt-note war began.
  • Today - The first day of the rest of your life.
  • Tomorrow - Another day.
  • The Day After Tomorrow - It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)
  • 2101 War was beginning...
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