Portal:History

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The History Portal
Did Hitler build the pyramids?

The History of the World is the history of humanity from the earliest times to the present, in all places on Earth. Or in short, it's all about stuff that happened while there was someone around smart enough to notice that stuff was happening. At first they were iletterite, and passed their memories on using oral tradition, which disappointingly does not relate to the transference of information via oral sex.

Finally someone worked out how to read, and someone else worked out how to write, and recorded history was then born. History can also come from other sources such as archaeology, which involves digging stuff up and making up stories about it. Despite this being a recognised field of science, it is not suggested that you dig up deceased relatives and give them personalities created from your own psychosis.

Human history starts back with the early Stone Age–or the Paleolithic–known as such as that was the time mankind started using stone tools, not because they were regularly stoned. That had to wait until the Neolithic Era and the invention of agriculture (and beer!), thence the invention of animal husbandry. (See more...)

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The Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905 was an especially good sandwich. High in cholesterol and known to cause cancer, maybe, but really quite delicious. Sandwich connoisseurs, if they still existed, would all agree that it surpassed all other sandwiches of its type and, indeed, probably surpassed most other varieties of sandwich. Alas, the night the sandwich was presented, that of October 14, 1905, marked the end of the noble tradition of sandwich connoisseuring, a great loss to the world of international snobbery.

The Bacon and Cheese Sandwich was built in four stages, starting exactly one year before the sandwich was to be revealed to the public. These stages were in themselves very momentous events, making headlines across the world and affecting the stock market in ways grossly out of proportion to their material significance. An international team of chefs, highly specialized in the craft of sandwich-making, was assembled from over 250 countries; an absurdly large figure, given the fact that there are less than two hundred countries in the world.

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Edward Smith, captain of the HMS Titanic, was posthumously charged with "unsafe sailing" and sentenced to 8 hours in traffic school.
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Alexander Hamilton (January 11, 1755 or 1757 – July 12, 1804) was the first (and last) United States Secretary of the Treasury to be killed in a duel. He was also one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, a lawyer and street judge, and a slave-owner. An all-around good guy.

As butler to General George Washington during the War of Colonial Aggression against Great Britain, Hamilton called for a new Constitution. He wrote, like, almost all of the Federalist Papers, a primary source for Constitutional repression. He was opposed by other Founding Fathers, namely all of the ones who didn't like uppity, philandering bastards.

Today, Hamilton is on the U.S. $10 bill, a testament to America's appreciation for adulterous dueling bastards who are good with fiscal policy.

Did You Know?
  • ... that José Mourinho would prefer really not to speak, if he speaks he is in big trouble. If he speaks he's in big trouble and he doesn't want to be in big trouble.
  • ... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
  • ... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
  • ... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?
  • ... that the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?
This Day in History
Beware the Red Warmongering Llama!

November 11: First World War Appreciation Day (Commonwealth States)

  • 1911 - After four bloody years of battle, the first World War finally comes to an end on November 11, 1911, at twelve minutes past eleven o'clock. FDR took too long in signing the papers and spoiled the symmetry.
  • 1914 - Archduke Franz Ferdinand is assassinated in Bosnia. His final words were: "I know I won't be leaving here (with you)." While people are still wondering what the hell he meant, War is declared against France.
  • 1914 12:15pm - France surrenders.
  • 1918, 13:51pm - France claims its total surrender was a tactical ploy to draw the enemy onto their battlefield of choice.
  • 1918, 13:52pm - Whole world laughs at France for being undeniable pussies.
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