Portal:History

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The History Portal
Did Hitler build the pyramids?

The History of the World is the history of humanity from the earliest times to the present, in all places on Earth. Or in short, it's all about stuff that happened while there was someone around smart enough to notice that stuff was happening. At first they were iletterite, and passed their memories on using oral tradition, which disappointingly does not relate to the transference of information via oral sex.

Finally someone worked out how to read, and someone else worked out how to write, and recorded history was then born. History can also come from other sources such as archaeology, which involves digging stuff up and making up stories about it. Despite this being a recognised field of science, it is not suggested that you dig up deceased relatives and give them personalities created from your own psychosis.

Human history starts back with the early Stone Age–or the Paleolithic–known as such as that was the time mankind started using stone tools, not because they were regularly stoned. That had to wait until the Neolithic Era and the invention of agriculture (and beer!), thence the invention of animal husbandry. (See more...)

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The Russo-Japanese War, as its name implies, was a conflict fought between the Russian Empire and the Empire of Japan. As its name doesn’t imply, most of the fighting took place in Manchuria and on the Korean peninsula, much to the distaste of the people living there at the time. Hostilities began on February 10th 1904, and lasted until September of 1905, with the budding Japanese Empire emerging victorious. Indeed, Russia’s army of conscripted peasants armed with bolt-action rifles and empty vodka bottles proved wholly ineffective against Japan’s numerous cyborg ninjas and fleet of giant robots piloted by angsty fourteen-year-olds, resulting in the Russian forces being completely routed at every single major engagement of the war.

Though the Russo-Japanese War is largely forgotten today, its importance should not be overlooked. Japan’s resounding defeat of the Russian Empire led to a power shift in Eastern Asia, resulting in Japan’s ultimate recognition by the world community as an imperial power just as corrupt and oppressive as those of the West. Russia’s tremendous loss of life, material, territory and international prestige, meanwhile, set an important precedent in the way Russia would fight all of its future wars.

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Edward Smith, captain of the HMS Titanic, was posthumously charged with "unsafe sailing" and sentenced to 8 hours in traffic school.
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Biggus Dickus (2AD - 70AD) was a notable Roman legate during the reign of Emperor Tiberius and a close friend of Pontius Pilate. He is possibly best-known to modern scholars for his famous speeches outside the senate house in Rome, known as the "Biggus Dickus Ejaculationus". He was also notably present in the Roman province of Judea around the time of Jesus Christ. His wife was Incontinentia Buttocks.

Born into a middle-class family in Italy, the young Dickus soon made himself stand-proud from his fellows with his good looks and proud, tall bearing. In his youth, he took the curious fashion decision to shave all the hair on his head off every morning and the "gleaming, shiny head" of Biggus Dickus became a sensation in the streets of the city. He soon insinuated himself with friends of the Emperor Augustus and there were rumours in Roman society that some of Augustus's freedmen had made Biggus their catamite. Indeed, one such man Sextus Maximus had been heard to say that he craved Biggus Dickus.

Did You Know?
  • ... that the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?
  • ... that Erich Hartmann, inspired by the success of Red Baron Pizza, released his own line of Blond Knight Casseroles?
  • ... that Queen Victoria and Prince Albert made love inside every room at Buckingham Palace? It is said one can still hear their romps echoing through the royal halls...
  • ... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
This Day in History
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September 19: Talk Like A Pirate Day (International), Talk Regularly Day (Somalia)

  • 1778 – The Continental Congress passes the first budget of the United States, budgeting 10,000 doubloons for defense, 5000 pieces of eight for social programs, and additional booty to highways.
  • 1796 – George Washington makes his farewell address, saying "Aye me mateys, it were good being captain of this fine ship of state."
  • 1957 – First U.S. underground nuclear bomb test is conducted, shivering timbers as far as 500 miles away.
  • 1970 – Pirates the world over rejoice at Oldsmobile's launch of the Cutlass Supreme.
  • 1985 – First pirated movie released. It is rated ARRRRRRRRRRR!
  • 1995 – First Talk Like a Pirate Day. It rapidly replaces the unpopular Talk Like a Ninja Day, which involved people saying nothing so as to conceal their presence.
  • 1997 - Mike Tyson ruthlessly made fun of after doing a pirate impression. Three ears are added to his collection.
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