Portal:History

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The Hisory Portal

The authoritative guide to history... well, at least they used to be.

History is a form of propaganda dedicated to ensuring that people continue to hear the messages of two key groups: 1, the Nazis; and 2, the Confederacy.

Anything that does not pertain to the Nazis or the Confederacy is probably not history. The rest of the planet outside America and Nazi Germany considers this bloody annoying, except for France, who in Modern World History books, as a tribute to their pathetic military history, have been given countless sections. And we all know the only significant contribution of the French to modern civilisation is the Baguette.

This is shown by the fact that 88% of all history ever written has something to do with Adolf Hitler, German attempts to build an atomic bomb, the Battle of Gettysburg, Confederate efforts to build a useful submarine, and the fateful day that Rudolph Hess used the Fuhrer's time machine to go back and bring Stonewall Jackson to what was then the future to ensure a Nazi victory over the Empire of the Moon during World War II. (Full article...)

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Highlighted Article

Texans failing miserably at keeping Mexicans on the other side of a wall.

An old Spanish mission near San Antonio swelters in the swooning Texas heat, surrounded on all sides by over 2,000 Mexican troops under the command of the charismatic devil-spawn known as General Antonio López de Santa Anna. Inside the mission, 260 soldiers of the Republic of Texas know that there is no hope for survival. Their defeat is imminent. Death stares at them, unblinking. But the brave soldiers hold their ground, steadfast in the face of an enemy that crushingly outnumbers them.

They carry with them a fighting spirit that will later lead their fellow countrymen into brilliant victory at the Battle of San Jacinto. Though this battle will last only thirteen days, its legacy will resound through the months to come, rallying the Texan Revolutionaries to fight ever-stronger for their cherished ideals of justice, freedom of religion, freedom of expression... and the right to beat an African slave within an inch of his goddamned life. This is not merely a siege where one side is surrounded, killed, torn apart, used as piñatas, and then thrown to the dogs—this is the Battle of the Alamo.

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Article credit: Romartus

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Highlighted Picture

Despite public outcries, the Capitain was merely cited for "unsafe driving" and sentenced to 8 hours of Traffic School.

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Image credit: NoNamesLeft

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Quote of the Day

“All the money wasted on these textbook companies, all the resources consumed by the manufacturing of these history books, could all be used for a true cause: the production of A-bombs.”
~ George W. Bush

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Highlighted Biography

Ivan was known for his over-the-top fashion sense...

This article is Terrible. It’s about Ivan. Ivan was born in 1530 into a Russian royal yet noble family, as the son of Basil III. Ivan is remembered for his Reign of Terrible.

Infant and Toddler

When Ivan was an infant, there was nothing for his parents to yet suspect anything Terrible about him, except that he was Terribly colicky at times. However, Ivan started becoming quite Terrible almost exactly two years afterward, during the Terrible Twos as European historians would later describe that period of history. He was often quite cranky … and not just when he was colicky and Terrible. Ivan's father mysteriously died when Ivan was only three years old. Alas, Dad was discovered dead with a baby bottle in his mouth, just Terrible. (He would later redeem the situation by switching All the Russias to sippy cups so that nobody else could die from baby bottle suffocation...)

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Article credit: Ogopogo

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Did You Know...

… Cleopatra wasnt egyptian, she was greek.

… a baboon named Jackie became a private in the South African army in WW1

… the Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

… Cleopatra married two of her brothers.

… the Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

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This Day in History

May 26 1862: President Lincoln signs into law the Homeless Act. This allows middle class americans with no money to steal over 160 acres from the poor.

(other days in history...)

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