Portal:History

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
(Redirected from History Portal)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The History Portal
Did Hitler build the pyramids?

The History of the World is the history of humanity from the earliest times to the present, in all places on Earth. Or in short, it's all about stuff that happened while there was someone around smart enough to notice that stuff was happening. At first they were iletterite, and passed their memories on using oral tradition, which disappointingly does not relate to the transference of information via oral sex.

Finally someone worked out how to read, and someone else worked out how to write, and recorded history was then born. History can also come from other sources such as archaeology, which involves digging stuff up and making up stories about it. Despite this being a recognised field of science, it is not suggested that you dig up deceased relatives and give them personalities created from your own psychosis.

Human history starts back with the early Stone Age–or the Paleolithic–known as such as that was the time mankind started using stone tools, not because they were regularly stoned. That had to wait until the Neolithic Era and the invention of agriculture (and beer!), thence the invention of animal husbandry. (See more...)

Featured Article
Giant bread farm.jpg

The Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905 was an especially good sandwich. High in cholesterol and known to cause cancer, maybe, but really quite delicious. Sandwich connoisseurs, if they still existed, would all agree that it surpassed all other sandwiches of its type and, indeed, probably surpassed most other varieties of sandwich. Alas, the night the sandwich was presented, that of October 14, 1905, marked the end of the noble tradition of sandwich connoisseuring, a great loss to the world of international snobbery.

The Bacon and Cheese Sandwich was built in four stages, starting exactly one year before the sandwich was to be revealed to the public. These stages were in themselves very momentous events, making headlines across the world and affecting the stock market in ways grossly out of proportion to their material significance. An international team of chefs, highly specialized in the craft of sandwich-making, was assembled from over 250 countries; an absurdly large figure, given the fact that there are less than two hundred countries in the world.

Featured Image
Philosophysaber.jpg
Socrates, known Jedi Master, was known for his verbal and lightsaber battles with his once-pupil, Darth Plato.
Image by Xiao Li
Quote of the Day
Featured Biography
Hamilton.jpg

Alexander Hamilton (January 11, 1755 or 1757 – July 12, 1804) was the first (and last) United States Secretary of the Treasury to be killed in a duel. He was also one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, a lawyer and street judge, and a slave-owner. An all-around good guy.

As butler to General George Washington during the War of Colonial Aggression against Great Britain, Hamilton called for a new Constitution. He wrote, like, almost all of the Federalist Papers, a primary source for Constitutional repression. He was opposed by other Founding Fathers, namely all of the ones who didn't like uppity, philandering bastards.

Today, Hamilton is on the U.S. $10 bill, a testament to America's appreciation for adulterous dueling bastards who are good with fiscal policy.

Did You Know?
  • ... that Erich Hartmann, inspired by the success of Red Baron Pizza, released his own line of Blond Knight Casseroles?
  • ... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
  • ... that Humphrey Bogart was known for playing "hard-boiled" detectives, known for their milky white skin and round, corpulent figures?
  • ... that statistically, you're probably thinking about the Roman Empire right now? You aren't? Now you are!
This Day in History
ERECTOR-SET.JPG

November 8: Erectional Pleasure Day

  • 1000000 BC - On the plains of Africa, the Australopithecus encounters an eerie black monolith, and for the first time in history, stands erect. Moments later, with "Also sprach Zarathustra" blaring in the background, the Australopithecus realizes his hands are now free and begins to experiment with tool use. If you know what I mean.
  • 1173 - The leaning tower of Pisa gives the first sign of its famous erectile dysfunction problem.
  • 1653 - Taj Mahal, "Man's greatest erection for a woman" built in India.
  • 1889 - Eiffel Tower erected, giving pleasure to all Parisians. Rioting ensues.
  • 1901 - Washington Monument erected as a reminder to all American men that their penis is more important than diplomacy.
  • 1995 - Bill Clinton calls Monica Lewinsky into the Oval Office. Lewinsky walks in and sees Clinton sitting in his chair, with his cock and balls hanging out of his pants. She digs it, and a two-year-long affair occurs between the two.
  • 2016 - Donald Trump wins the 2016 presidential election, simultaneously making all Republican women across the country erect and making all Democrat women un-erect.
Further Reading
Portal Categories
Featured Articles
Famous Dead People
Less Famous Dead People
More Portals
Portals complement topics that nobody cares about and expand upon topics that everybody cares even less about.
Retrieved from "https://en.uncyclopedia.co/w/index.php?title=Portal:History&oldid=6373416"