Portal:History

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The History Portal
Did Hitler build the pyramids?

The History of the World is the history of humanity from the earliest times to the present, in all places on Earth. Or in short, it's all about stuff that happened while there was someone around smart enough to notice that stuff was happening. At first they were iletterite, and passed their memories on using oral tradition, which disappointingly does not relate to the transference of information via oral sex.

Finally someone worked out how to read, and someone else worked out how to write, and recorded history was then born. History can also come from other sources such as archaeology, which involves digging stuff up and making up stories about it. Despite this being a recognised field of science, it is not suggested that you dig up deceased relatives and give them personalities created from your own psychosis.

Human history starts back with the early Stone Age–or the Paleolithic–known as such as that was the time mankind started using stone tools, not because they were regularly stoned. That had to wait until the Neolithic Era and the invention of agriculture (and beer!), thence the invention of animal husbandry. (See more...)

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U.S.–Mexico Border, c. 2025

An old Spanish mission near San Antonio swelters in the swooning Texas heat, surrounded on all sides by over 2,000 Mexican troops under the command of the charismatic devil-spawn known as General Antonio López de Santa Anna. Inside the mission, 260 soldiers of the Republic of Texas know that there is no hope for survival. Their defeat is imminent. Death stares at them, unblinking. But the brave soldiers hold their ground, steadfast in the face of an enemy that crushingly outnumbers them.

They carry with them a fighting spirit that will later lead their fellow countrymen to brilliant victory at the Battle of San Jacinto. Though this battle will last only thirteen days, its legacy will resound through the months to come, rallying the Texan Revolutionaries to fight ever-stronger for their cherished ideals of justice, freedom of religion, freedom of expression... and the right to beat an African slave within an inch of his goddamned life. This is not merely a siege where one side is pelted with canon and musket fire until they are worn down, dehydrated, starved, infected with typhoid fever, used as piñatas for Día de los Muertos festivities and then thrown to the dogs—this is the Battle of the Alamo.

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A WWI-era Jarhead recruiting poster helped to bring many new recruits into the beloved US Marine Corps.
Image by One-eyed_Jack
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Biggus Dickus (2AD - 70AD) was a notable Roman legate during the reign of Emperor Tiberius and a close friend of Pontius Pilate. He is possibly best-known to modern scholars for his famous speeches outside the senate house in Rome, known as the "Biggus Dickus Ejaculationus". He was also notably present in the Roman province of Judea around the time of Jesus Christ. His wife was Incontinentia Buttocks.

Born into a middle-class family in Italy, the young Dickus soon made himself stand-proud from his fellows with his good looks and proud, tall bearing. In his youth, he took the curious fashion decision to shave all the hair on his head off every morning and the "gleaming, shiny head" of Biggus Dickus became a sensation in the streets of the city. He soon insinuated himself with friends of the Emperor Augustus and there were rumours in Roman society that some of Augustus's freedmen had made Biggus their catamite. Indeed, one such man Sextus Maximus had been heard to say that he craved Biggus Dickus.

Did You Know?
  • ... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
This Day in History
Remember kids: You can use your holiday packaging to make a festive Boxing Day display!

December 26: Packaging Day

  • 17 - Jesus recovers from a "wicked birthday hangover" and cleans up the house before his parents get home.
  • 2004 - The idea for Deal or No Deal created on Boxing Day after Noel Edmonds was trapped in a box, the producer of the show opening it and gasping, before thinking 'hey, why don't we do that with something valuable in the boxes?'
  • 2006 - Devastating shelves falling over in Iceland because they owned too many products, and some hooligans tipped them over.
  • 2007 - Mars destroyed during the War of the Worlds, because there were too many martians and God ran out of ways to make them pay, but the bacteria killed them.
  • 2009 - Devastating red hole wipes out universe, and God makes no two pay.
  • 2010 - Devastating white hole wipes out red hole, and God makes no one pay.
  • 2011 - Devastating white hole wipes out God, leaving no one to make no one pay.
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