Comicus
“What about this Uncyclopedia, huh? They're jokes are so flat, you could use them as cardboardius!”
“Thith Comicuth ith no fwiend of mine!”
Marcus Aurelius Comicus (15 AD - 79 AD), perhaps better known as simply Comicus, was a self-styled stand-up philosopher (AKA: bullshit artist) in Rome, lecturing throughout the Roman Empire on all sorts of crap nobody takes seriously anymore.
Early Years[edit | edit source]
Comicus was born in Rome as the son of Boethius Maximus and Valencia Diana, and was educated in the School of Hard Knocks in the well-known art of Getting The Shit Kicked Out of You. It was there that Comicus learned to read and write, because the forum didn't offer any courses for anyone under 18.
Upon graduation, Comicus found trade with his father as a Hypocaust Cleaner for the wealthy and rich of Rome; his father having been the personal Hypocaust Cleaner to Augustus himself. Comicus wasn't content with this, and made it his aim to better himself.
Becoming a Stand-Up Philosopher[edit | edit source]
Using the money he had from Hypocaust Cleaning, Comicus was taken under the wing of Oscar Wilde, who taught him that the best way to get rich quick was to take the piss out of anybody or anything, as it would be the only way people would listen. Under the teachings of Wilde, Comicus became a Stand-Up Philosopher, and took Rome by storm with the aid of a thunderbolt.
Before long, Comicus was lecturing throughout Rome on Life, the Universe, and Everything, but at the same time poking fun at how fat John Prescott was and how ugly Amy Winehouse was, which was the only way to keep anybody listening. Comicus called it coalescing the vapour of human experience into a realistic, physical form, although the truth of it was that he was bullshitting.
The Emperor Incident[edit | edit source]
In 68 AD, Comicus was asked to entertain Emperor Nero at his palace, but Comicus screwed it up big-time, not only by insulting the Emperor, but accusing the entire Senate of bribery. Upon learning of his mistake, Comicus' only word on the matter was: "Shittus!"
Nero ordered for Comicus to be executed, but with the aid of Nero's wife, Nympho, and the bungling of general Marcus Vindictus, Comicus was able to escape to Israel, where he set up shop selling arms to Israel against Palestine, never to return to Rome again.
Teachings[edit | edit source]
Comicus was a big believer in using laughter as a means of weakening one's rival and making him vulnerable. By making them laugh so hard, they could be suffocated very easily, or if that didn't fail, you could just give them the hiccups, and then make them die of that instead.
Another teaching of Comicus (his bullshitting part, anyway) was that the essence of mankind could be harmonised by humour, by which the need to laugh could help to develop the spirit of a person in order to prepare it for the afterlife.
Stupid little shit, wasn't he?
More detailed information about these teachings as well as Comicus' time as a Hypocaust Cleaner can be found in the Philosophers A-Z (price, 5 drachmas).
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Brooks, Mel - History of the World, Part I
- Comicus, Marcus Aurelius - The Life and Times of Marcus Aurelius Comicus
- Nameius, Longus - Imperial Cock-Ups
- Phallus, Claudius - Philosophers A-Z
- Tacitus, Cornelius - Crap People who aren't Very Significant