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From today's featured article 

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Everyone is Hitler.

The undeniable and terrible truth of the universe. Look within yourself, Brittany, you know it to be true.

But it can't possibly be true can it? Please God, this can't be true. This can't be the way the world is; please I want to have faith in humanity.

But no. There is no use pleading, no use denying. The sooner you accept the truth the sooner the real work can begin. Only a weak man denies the plain and evident truth or lets his feelings distract him from the path of destiny. (Full article...)

Did you know... 

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  • ... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
  • ... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?
  • ... that the White House is really off-white?
  • ... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%?
  • ... that Robert Shaw won the Northeast Regional Dogfishing Open in 1974, the first sporting event to be broadcast on the new ESPN network?
  • ... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content?
  • ... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?

In the news 

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"It's for the children's own good!"

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Superman and Super Dog's movie doing surprisingly well • Israel/Iran and Russia/Ukraine "peace talks" • Pittsburgh Steelers adding old players way past their prime • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk)

Recent deaths: Diddy's freedom for only 20 years • Michael Madsen • Bill Cosby's TV son • Bryan Kohberger's freedom • Ozzy Osbourne • Chuck Mangione • Hulk Hogan • Resident Alien • Down syndrome • Tom Lehrer • The system • FUBAR

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Oil prices • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The asshats who spoiled Squid Game • MAGA • Joe Biden's credibility • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Bryan Kohberger, at the hands of his fellow inmates

On this day 

One can argue that the third Matrix movie was the best of the franchise, a daring yet clever subversion and synthesis of the Matrix's themes, a meditation on what it truly means for humanity to be free, when we have molded ourselves into machines far better than any robotic overlord could. Also, if you couldn't understand the Architect's speech on your first listen, you are a literal ingrate, and should perhaps read a book closer to your mental capacity, like "The Hungry Little Caterpillar" or "Everybody Poops."

August 7: Anniversary of the Day The Matrix Stopped Being Cool

  • 2003 - An adolescent who, for no reason at all, starts mimicking the slow-motion bullet dodge from the first Matrix film on a bus, is appalled to discover that his fellow passengers are not immediately breaking out in applause and high-fives, as is usual whenever any reference to The Matrix is made by anyone at any time.
  • 2004 - A suburban family, watching a toothpaste advertisement featuring characters in black leather doing kung-fu, lets out a bored sigh in complete unison.
  • 2005 - A stand-up comedian, beginning a joke with the words "You take the blue pill", is booed off-stage and has his car tires slashed.
  • 2006 - A man is kicked to death for saying "whoa" in a Keanu-esque fashion.
  • 2008 - Robert Mugabe becomes 44th President of the USA, announces that the Matrix "is totally not cool" and that people caught watching it "will be shot."
  • 2014 - The Matrix finally becomes cool again, for about three weeks until everyone gets to the third movie on their rewatch.
  • 2021 - They make a fourth Matrix movie, under the mistaken belief some of the love for John Wick will rub off on the movie by association.

Picture of the day

Jarhead
 A WWI-era Jarhead recruiting poster helped to bring many new recruits into the beloved US Marine Corps.

Image credit: One-eyed_Jack
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This Uncyclopedia is written in English, supposedly. Started in 2005, it currently contains 40,473 articles. Many other parody wikis are available; some of the lamest are listed below.

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