User:One-eyed Jack
This person wrote an article which became one of the Featured Articles on Uncyclopedia. Ain't they clever?!
This person wrote an article which became one of the Featured Articles on Uncyclopedia. Ain't they clever?!
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Reviewer of the Month November 2007 |
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Uncyclopedian of the Month March 2007 |
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Writer of the Month February 2007 |
We don't have money, so we just gave them the Greasy Mechanic Award for their help. Get your own next time around and help fix up Uncyclopedia.
Er, me.
I am 27 years old, live in Sitka, Alaska, and work in a fish cannery like everyone else here.
No, that's all lies.
One-eyed Jack is the nom-de-keyboard of an Uncyclopedia bungler. He is insane. His ability to post on the Intarweb is severely limited because the orderlies seldom let him use the computer at the facility in which he is confined.
Lies. Damned lies.
No longer roaming the Earth in search of enlightenment and One Honest Woman, I took up residence in a cave on Mount Asshat. In fact, many consider me the very incarnation of an annoying, aggravating asshat.
Maybe. Maybe not.
I am 49 and reside in Gillespie Corners, Oregon. Under an old covered bridge. I suffer from ARFS and am shunned by mankind.
No, not quite right.
After attending the University of Nebraska at Miami, I spent several years in Mexico camping in the desert and waiting for the statute of limitations to run out. I am 33 years old. My favorite author is either V.S. Pritchett or Mavis Gallant, I can never choose. I build and play electric guitars. Currently I am working on my toe-picking style, a way of playing which leaves my hands free so I can accompany myself on bongos.
Now approaching my 60th birthday, I live quietly in a monastery in the Catskills. A Zen monastery. I am the only male. All the others are nuns. As you know, Zen nuns are not required to take a vow of chastity. Zut alors!
If you with to contract my privates contact me privately you can email jack.oneeyed@gmail.com . I will forward your email address to a network of Bulgarian spam artists if you are not nice, though.
Pages I especially admire[edit | edit source]
- Going to California
- Cauchy
- Special Forces
- Quantum cheddardynamics
- Chair
- Titus Androgynous
- Poopenheimer Mainframe Mk XII Computer
- Moustache-o-meter -- ha, great one
- Vegetable Photographer of the Year
- Led Zeppelin -- one of the few band articles that has The Spark
- PowerPoint
- Vladimir Nabokov (Of course!)
- Documentary hypothesis A fine piece 'o work.
- Pablo Neruda I am envious. Que hermoso!
- St. Augustine Bless these Confessions!
- Analytic tradition
- UnBooks:Odesseyus O a pisspot ductwerk of Joycean gudness.
- I_maed_a_yuky_doody A classic doody.
- Commercial Break And now a word from out sponsors.
List of faux-creative crimes of which I stand accused (as instigator or accomplice)[edit | edit source]
Notes[edit | edit source]
Images:
- Go here. Expect a bit of time loading if you are on dial-up.
Poems:
- Go here. Expect a bit of nausea if you are a poetry fan.
Personal Snadbocks:
- here.
Notes on articles[edit | edit source]
- (§ indicates personal faves)
- (¤ indicates craft-of-writing articles)
- 84
Original Articles[edit | edit source]
- 101 uses for a dead cat culture
- Anthracite science
- Amazon River geography
- Ampersand geography
- Amphioxus culture
- Arrant-gard culture
- Æthelred culture
- Bald Eagle culture
- Balearic Islands geography
- Basalt science
- Bezoar stones objects
- § Black Hole of Calcutta culture
- § Biggleswade F.C. culture (includes player interviews)
- Blues (music) culture
- Boiling Pitch Ocean geography
- Breasts of Steele culture
- Brie bomb science
- § Burundi geography
- Coming-of-age speech culture
- Columbia River geography
- Crawfish science culture
- David Icke biography (Others have carried this article into lands only dreamt of by me. Good on them!)
- DDDD culture
- Dusty Tickbush geography
- § Eric Idle biography
- Fer-de-lance science
- Fishing with Jim culture
- Ganges geography FEATURED ARTICLE
- George Bush: chronicle of greatness politics
- Giant ground sloth science
- Granite science
- Harridans history
- Heartbreak of Psoriasis culture
- Hyrax science
- I am turning Japanese culture
- I. Lewis Libby (politics
- §¤ Internet comedy: interview with Graham Chapman culture
- Jumping Jack Flash culture
- Jorge Luis Borges biography
- § Kaspar Hauser biography
- § Labrador retriever history
- Laura Ingalls Wilder biography
- LED science
- Liberal Agenda for America (dead-end garbage)
- § Limitations of Superpowers as Applies to God culture FEATURED ARTICLE
- Limón objects
- § Literary dedications culture FEATURED ARTICLE
- Lulu (singer) biography
- Marmalade culture
- Martian Ocean geography
- Marty Feldman biography
- Matsuo Bashō biography
- Meerkat NEEDS HELP
- § Metempsychosis science
- Mississippi River geography
- Monk seal science
- Mount of Venus science
- § Mr. Beluncle culture (With help on the ending from The Humbled Master) FEATURED ARTICLE
- Negative numbers science
- NeoContract with America politics
- § Neutron star science
- Nutria NEEDS HELP
- Operaton Enduring Truth politics
- § Owl of Thebes culture
- § Patrick Henry biography FEATURED ARTICLE
- Phlegmatic Ocean geography
- § Porpoise of Life biography
- § Pripyat River geography
- ¤ Prolixipaedia Manual of Comedic Writing
- Quartz science
- Reality check culture
- Reconstruction of Iraq politics
- Rotifer culture
- § Rudyard Kipling biography
- § Samuel Johnson biography User 131.251.0.11 added the splendid exchange between Johnson and Wilde. I love the addition. Bless you, 131.251.0.11, whoever you are!
- Scott's last expedition history
- Search and Seizure politics
- § Seven ages of man culture
- Shamisen culture
- Sodium chloride science
- Something completely different
- Stem cells politics
- Tarantula science
- 'Til Eulenspiegel's merry pranks culture
- Turkey (animal) objects
- Turning point culture
- § UnContent culture
- Urinary NEEDS HELP
- Vespers culture
- Viaduct objects
- Walpurga (saint) culture
- Wandering faggot-bird science
- § Xanax science
- Xenharmony culture
- Xenopubes culture
- Yggdrasil culture
- § Zephyr culture
Stuff I Need To Work On[edit | edit source]
(Get your ass to work, OEJ! You lazy lump of sheep's dag.)
Stuff I Would Like To Help[edit | edit source]
- The A-Team with MC Hawking
- Rewrite of Marijuana
- User:One-eyed Jack/John Scherer rewrite in case the original article needs a change
This person wrote an article which became one of the Featured Articles on Uncyclopedia. Ain't they clever?!
This person wrote an article which became one of the Featured Articles on Uncyclopedia. Ain't they clever?!
This person wrote an article which became one of the Featured Articles on Uncyclopedia. Ain't they clever?!
This person wrote an article which became one of the Featured Articles on Uncyclopedia. Ain't they clever?!
This person wrote an article which became one of the Featured Articles on Uncyclopedia. Ain't they clever?!
This person created an image which became one of the Featured Images on Uncyclopedia.
Personal shit list[edit | edit source]
(Things I would put on VFD if it wasn't always maxed out)
- Chuck Norris references removed: 50 at least...I'm losing count.