User:The Hunt/United States presidential election, 2008
 | This article may be Overly American Brits may not understand humor, only humour. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Do not attempt to remedy this. |
 | This article documents a current event. Misinformation may change rapidly. Use frequent updates to ensure that it remains as uninformed and unhelpful as possible. |
Otherwise known as the "Political Wars of 2008", the elections for the next President of the United States had grown too close. No one could decide who the best candidate was and the entire nation had voted 50/50. Americans found that neither Hilary Clinton or Barack Obama could be head of the Democrats as choosing one over the other would be considered either racist or sexist. Luckily, all the Republican candidates were uncharismatic pensioners with southern drawls and questionable sexual harassment records.
Candidates[edit | edit source]
Democratic Party[edit | edit source]
- Main article: United States Democratic presidential candidates, 2008
Leading candidates for the Democratic Party[edit | edit source]
| 2008 Democratic presidential candidates | These have filed with the Federal Elections Commission (FEC), and are conducting multi-state campaigns. |
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton |
Hillary Rodham Clinton, born October 26, 1947, in Illinois, U.S. Senator from New York and former First Lady of the United States. A powerful democrat she-devil with a freeze gun to demobilize her opposition. She had a powerful partner-in-crime, her husband Bill, former Overlord of the cave people of Narconia. (Campaign Article)
|
Former Senator Mike Gravel |
|
Senator Barack Obama |
Barack Obama, born August 4, 1961, in Honolulu, Hawaii, U.S. Senator from Illinois. A democrat who was the Illegitimate son of a Zulu chief and Xena the warrior princess. Barack had a natural advantage during the 2008 wars since he was African-American and had Bruddas in Da Ghetto. (Campaign Article) Is he qualified to become our president? No, but he did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!
|
Candidate who cannot win without a doctor's note[edit | edit source]
This candidate cannot win except in the unlikely event of multiple ballots or released delegates.
Al Gore: A powerful politician believed to be half-tree half-democrat, though others have suggested more a 60-40 split. One thing that is definite about him though is that if made president, he shall return planet Earth to it's rightful owners, the Earwigs.
Mitt Romney: Self-proclaimed satanist and Republican candidate Romney is only credible because he is the one candidate with a name weirder than Barack Obama's and was a large investor in adult incontenency nappies.
Rudy Giuliani: Originally an independent candidate for the fascist party of Kitty Hitler, but the novelty of marching about doing the Nazi salute quickly wore off and he joined an even more morally-destitute party, the Republicans.
Republican Party[edit | edit source]
John McCain: Was a front runner in the campaign but later stepped down from his position under allegations of prostitution and the possession of the illegal narcotic Tic-Tacs. McCain won the election because Barrack Obama was destroyed by the teenage mutant ninja turtles before the electoral vote was counted
Candidates who cannot win without cancelling their golf trip this weekend[edit | edit source]
These candidates cannot win except in the unlikely event of multiple ballots or released delegates.
Former Ambassador Alan Keyes of Maryland
Governor Mike Huckabee of Arkansas
Independent candidates[edit | edit source]
Kitty Hitler: A.K.A Kitler. The most successful fascist ever to run in an election, it failed to become dictator of the United States but was given Ecuador and is still currently ruler of the impoverished south American nation.
Leroy: Come on, he's Leroy! Everyone knows Leroy!
History[edit | edit source]
The Hostility Begins[edit | edit source]
After the election results were inconclusive it was decided that the next president would be found through the age-old custom of Rock, Paper, Scissors. The democrat candidates decided that they would not participate in the game, fearing that the republicans would once again find a way to rig it. An annoyed John McCain mumbled a comment about Barack Obama's mother, whereupon Obama shouted 'OH NO YOU DID NOT!' and called his uncle Samuel L. Jackson for a rumble down at the Pentagon.
Afterwards, Clinton and Gore decided they would follow Barack's lead and decided to hurl a myriad of objects at Mitt Romney, who fled to his underground lair (more commonly known as the basement of the local Wal-Mart). Kitler (with his faithful servant Rudy Giuliani) and Leroy stayed out of the argument, preferring to plot their strategies.
Hilary Clinton discovered that the billions of dollars she had made from her copious fundraisers had some use and work began on the Mecha-Hilary 3000, a huge living robot she believed would leave her enemies cowering in fear. Optimus Prime found out about the Mecha-Hilary and sued for copyright breach, before joining the Barack Obama's side. But Optimus found himself out of favour in a group of predominantly black people, and decided to retire to Iceland where he began work on his autobiography. Barack Obama gathered many famous black rap groups and cocaine dealers together to form the core of his bodyguards. Al Gore held several pagan rituals to summon the Washington tree spirits.
The republicans also had some dastardly plans of their own to unleash on the rest of humanity. Mitt Romney had brought 12 flying monkeys from the Wicked Witch of the West for $25 and John McCain was hard at work recruiting 7-year-olds from obscure Bornean villages in attempts to build armies.
Kitty Hitler and Rudy Giuliani had gained popularity in many European countries, Albania even supplying him with soldiers for the upcoming political war. TIME Magazine saw a sales opportunity and got behind Leroy's campaign. He became a hero for the nation, especially in the poorer parts of Albuquerque.
After the preparation of their armies, the candidates began several military attacks. The first of these was lead by Hilary Clinton, who attacked Boston with the Mecha-Hilary. The local brave Bostonians held her off for as long as possible, but once Overlord Bill entered the fray with his cronies the city quickly fell. Barack Obama won Detroit quietly, with no fighting being necessary after the black population of the Ghetto had overpowered the local government weeks earlier. John McCain attempted to invade San Francisco but the large gay community quickly sent him packing, considering the aging, white, heterosexual, conservative male had no empathy for minorities. Mitt Romney was able to capture Seattle and the city was cast into eternal darkness. While Kitler was only to hold Miami for two months before he left due to turkey-related problems, the city enjoyed fascism so much that they decided to keep it and to this day the entrance sign still reads "MIAMI:DIE STADT VON SUNSHINE UND FUN!". Leroy roamed the land and became friends of the residents of Phoenix. In fact he was so kind he invited the mayor to a light supper before tying him up, gagging him forcing him to watch the entire season of The Bold & the Beautiful, therefore rendering him unconscious.
The Battle of New York (Hilary Clinton vs. Rudy Giuliani)[edit | edit source]
The dice were thrown. The scene was set. The seeds had been sewed (but only by Al Gore in a futile attempt to summon an army of tree spirits). Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama had conquered much of the north whilst in the south Mitt Romney, John McCain, Rudy Giuliani and Kitler had been furthering their own empires. Both Clinton's and Giuliani's armies had been heading towards New York and it was in the Big Apple that they fought a battle so epic it is still told by old, toothless hicks in many parts of Nevada. In fact, the story is so popular that was even turned into a hit song by Richard Nixon's barbershop quartet.
Manhattan was quickly engulfed by several Apache helicopters, who were deploying hundreds of troops into the streets to do battle with Giuliani's vigilantes. Missile after missile was fired into the blazing inferno that was Brooklyn. After an early setback when the Clinton's troops gained control of Empire State Building, many of Rudy's buddies were worried that they wouldn't last out the night. But the Republican was soon helped by the countless numbers of Italian-American immigrants who wanted to help their ex-mayor. Hilary's troops were pushed back by the countless numbers of immigrants, who used their pizza-throwing skills through to destroy the opposition.
Despite their arrogance and apathy, the Italian-Americans were unable to deliver the killer blow. Giuliani's men were getting worried as Clinton's troops were regaining ground. Then just as it seemed there was a light at the end of the tunnel for the lesbian democrat, the almighty Fonz entered the fray. The only thing that was necessary was a classic "aaaaaayyyyy!" from the leather jacket-clad Fonzie and the entirety of Hilary's army was obliterated. Despite being seriously wounded, Hilary Clinton was able to escape with her life by hiding in a heavily-fortified laundromat.
The Battle of Salt Lake City (Barack Obama vs. Mitt Romney)[edit | edit source]
Salt Lake City was the capital of Utah, a state famed for it's political, religious and ethnic tolerance. Throughout SLC many ceremonies were held expressing the citizens' gratitude of the visiting black, democrat candidate. But of course there's always someone there to spoil the celebrations, and that person was Mitt Romney. He was welcomed by being heckled and pelted with carrots, lettuce and several Cambodian babies that were found in the trunk of Brangelina's car. Mr. Romney wasn't particularly happy about this, as he was quoted saying "UTAH PEOPLE MAKE MITT AAAAAAAANGRYYYYYYYYY!!!!". He then summoned up the most evil, nightmarish creatures Satan could have spawned...Canadians! Mass panic broke out as the city became coated in thick layers of maple syrup and wood chopping tournaments began. Their monotonous northern drawls pierced the ears of the humble Utahns and the tartan, lager-stained overalls struck fear into even the most ethically-tolerant of hearts. But just when all hope was lost of a lumberjack-free America, a hero arose. The original angry African-American himself, Mr. T. Since Mitt Romney was such a fool T found it quite easy to pity him. Not too much, mind you...he then had Romney set upon by a pack of rabid Chihuahuas. Leaderless, the Canadians did what they do best and fled to the nearest city with a sub-zero climate (which, surprisingly, was Mexico City).
The Battle of Washington D.C. (Kitler vs. Leroy)[edit | edit source]
Finally, all other candidates had been destroyed except two. The fascist party of Kitler who's harsh regimes had destroyed three earlier governments, Romania, Bulgaria and Dinotopia(the later of which was beginning to recover under the leadership of a wise Brontosaurus), or the Ultra-democratic party of Leroy, a man worshipped as the messiah in parts of Finland. Kitler began by sending out regiment after regiment of troops, quickly engulfing Leroy's tiny army. But Leroy had some help. The amazing Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were able to rush from a nearby Rolling Stones concert to lend a hand. All that was needed was the first three bars from Brown Sugar and the entire army of Kitler was destroyed.
What?
No really what's the problem?
I'm sorry, we're you expecting a long drawn-out finale? A battle to end all battles? Well I'm sorry but that's not the way it went so just GO HOME! I DON'T TRY TO GLORIFY EVERYTHING! I'M NOT A GODDAMN HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER! I'M JUST RETELLING THIS SHIT! IVE GOT A FAMILY TO FEED TOO!...bastard.