User:Scofield/Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas Stories
| Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas Stories | |
|---|---|
 For such a substandard game, it DOES have a nice box-art. If you ignore the fact that it was almost completely plagiarized from the original game's box-art. | |
| Developer(s) | Rockstar |
| Release date | 2009 |
| Genre | Free-Form |
| Platform(s) | Sony Playstation Portable |
| Rating | R 18+ |
| Would Nancy Pelosi play it? | No, he/she/it would devour it!!! |
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas Stories is a money grabbing prequel to the hit-game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. You play a former cop who lives in Los Santos, the same city where the original game was set.
Differences from the original game[edit | edit source]
Being on the PSP, many expected San Andreas Stories to be a fucked-up game considering the limitations of the PSP. They were right, because San Andreas Stories has these limitations:
- No helicopters, boats or planes, and no motorbikes either.
- No girlfriends to go on a date with (Rockstar try to use "the main character is gay" excuse, but they could have just had boyfriends to date).
- No sex minigames like Hot Coffee. (Too bad Rockstar removed this because it was so erotic).
- Las Venturas is just a bunch of ruins (obviously the casinos are still there).
- That big-ass mountain (Mount Chiliad) that was in the original game is gone (Rockstar Games say that Mount Chiliad is still being naturally formed during the game's timeline: 2 years before the original San Andreas).
- No dancing, barber shops, recruitable homies, Car Customization, fastfood restaurants or lowriding. A lot of these features were apparently disable to lend credence to the "squeaky-clean cop" image Rockstar wanted to give to Officer Dick.
- No wardrobe character customization, just 5 cool outfits including a Chicken Suit!
- The countryside is gone, look at the note about how the big ass Mount Chiliad is not in the game to understand why.
- No swimming underwater. (If you go into the water, you will drown like a pussy!)
- The airports are gone! (Rockstar Games said they are all being re-constructed throughout the game's timeline: 2 years before the original San Andreas).
Despite all these limitations, San Andreas Stories does have a huge load of missions to do. This may be one of the reasons GTA: SAS is the best-selling PSP game out, plus one of the best-selling games ever. You would suppose that those loyal GTA fanboys make up most of these sales. And you, Anonymous User, were obviously one of them, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this.
Characters[edit | edit source]
Officer Dick: The main character of San Andreas Stories, voiced by Oscar Wilde. He used to be a cop until he found out one day that Officer Tenpenny from the previous game was corrupt, he tried to tell his fellow officers but they weren't buying it. At the beginning of the game Dick must escape from Tenpenny's minions on a BMX bike.
Officer Frank Tenpenny: The antagonist of the game, voiced by Samuel L.mother fuckin Jackson. Dick finds out his status as a corrupt cop, but due to Tenpenny's influence, Dick is unable to prove it and gets kicked out of the police force. Tenpenny then attempts to assassinate Dick and his close friend Officer Pendlebury, forcing Dick to become a hardened gangbanger. At the end of the game, Dick is forced to flee San Andreas, leaving Pendlebury behind to be skull fucked by Tenpenny.
CJ (Carl Johnson): Sorry folks, at this game's time CJ is still masturbating in Liberty City. However, he still has an annoying cameo appearance in the mission where you explore a badly-rendered Liberty City (see picture below).
Officer Pendlebury: Officer Dick's best friend. When Dick is thrown out of the police force Pendlebury does some investigation and discovers that Tenpenny is in fact a corrupt cop. When Dick travels to San Fierro, Pendlebury stalks him there, and he and Dick start a romantic relationship. This makes Dick the first-ever gay Grand Theft Auto character that is playable. Due to Pendlebury's homoerotic behaviour (and drug addictions); you quickly discover why Tenpenny kills this asshole at the beginning of GTA San Andreas.
Sweet (Sean Johnson): He's in this game and more fucked-up than ever-before, Dick does a few missions for him at the start of the game, but later on Sweet tries to suck Dick, and he is forced to hide in the desert (Again very same as the last game's story). At the end of the game it's discovered that The Ballas were threatening to kill Moms if Sweet didn't dipose of Dick, forcing Sweet to blow him.
Ryuzaki (L Lawliet): He's a crooked cop like Wade Heston in GTA: Ching Chong China Man. He had ties to the Japanese Yakuza. That made him very helpful with selling electronic devices. But Sweet killed him because he seemed like a threat.
Moms (CJ,Sweets and Brians mother): Moms was alive. Yeah ,wanna fight about it? Moms was fuckin' with the Ballas every day (yea she was a gang banger), Dick meets Moms while he is working for Sweet, and Moms continues helping Dick even after the Grove Street Families betray him; because she "likes his butt". This is what gets her killed in GTA: San Andreas, as the Ballas wanted Sweet to kill Dick or else they would go after Moms.
Kendl Johnson: She's not with Cesar yet, so in other words she's more of a fucked-up ho in this game than any other one, good though that you only do 5 missions for her, (WHAT!? 5 FUCKING MISSIONS!!?, you didn't even do that much in the last game!!!)
Big Smoke: That fat traitor asshole! Too bad he's for the grove in this game, Dick does missions for him but from the start of the game Smoke doesn't trust Dick. After Dick accidentally kills a Grove Street member, Smoke tells Sweet that Dick intended to do it. Dick tries to kill the fat loser but he escapes in a helicopter. (Which desperate gamers try to steal, considering that there are no helicopters or planes in this game)
Ryder: He's back, and still selling Weed. Dick is forced to help him with his crazy and stupid ideas, until Dick gets into bad feet with the Grove Street Families, and Dick has to engage in a shootout with Ryder.
Cesar: The Mexican sidekick makes a reappearance in this game. He's not with Kendl yet,. Even though Dick is working for the Groves, Cesar tries to get Dick on his gang's side, and gives him a strange phone call, and Dick does a few missions for Cesar.
The Truth: The hippy is back in this game!!! You meet him in the ruins of Las Venturas where he helps Dick escape from Tenpenny's minions who are trying to hunt him down. And from then Dick travels with The Truth across San Fierro, the desert and all the rest of San Andreas.
Zero: In this game, Dick helps Zero reach level 80 in the new World Of Warcraft expansion pack.
Jizzy: The crazy pimp makes a reappearance in San Andreas Stories. Dick hates Jizzy but is forced to work for him because Jizzy knows what Tenpenny is up to, after doing many missions for Jizzy Tenpenny tries to ambush Dick and kill him, but Jizzy and Dick run to the Pimpmobile and escape from Tenpenny, picking up The Truth on the way and fleeing to the desert.
Mike Toreno: He knows all about Dick and who he was, and makes bargain deals with Dick to help him escape from Tenpenny, but as compensation Dick must do all kinds of crazy shit suicide missions for Mike, such as: Flying a suicide bomber RC Plane (A gay toy plane that isn't real) to bomb the pentagon, causing a second 9/11, starting World War Three etc.
Madd Dogg: He's in this game too, and Dick tries to help him with getting up in the ranks to be the top rapper, you eventually score his mansion. (But if you save in his mansion your game file automatically gets deleted, even worse than the previous San Andreas), at least in that one you only lost the right to play the basketball mini-game. WHAT!?! You couldn't PLAY IT EVER AGAIN!?!! Fuck you Rockstar.
Elmo: Some say this character is nothing but legend, a hack, perhaps. No one knows where he is, but if you find him, waste all of your ammo on him, please!
Oscar Wilde: Just like Elmo, only if you shoot him, he headshots you with a laser.
That Stupid Bitch In My Bed: No, unfortunately, you can't see us doing THAT in the game, sorry.
Plot[edit | edit source]
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas Stories takes place in 1990, the start of the nineties. Officer Dick is a homosexual cop living in Los Santos, training under the wing of Officer Tenpenny. Similar to Vice City Stories, the tutorial stages of the game include 3 missions for Officer Tenpenny playing as a cop. After realizing the jobs he is doing for Tenpenny are against the law, Dick rats out Tenpenny and is kicked out of the police force for unprofessional behaviour (never mind that during this early point of the game players tend to skullfuck police officers to loot their M4s, and SPREADING RUMORS is what gets him kicked out, how fucked up is this?!)
Tenpenny places a hit on Dick, and Dick escapes the hitmen on a BMX Bike. Although he eventually fails at this and is cornered into an alleyway surrounded by hitmen. However, a bunch of gangbangers from the Grove Street Families save his ass (albeit unintentionally as they were only killing the hitmen for fun) and after realizing that Dick caps asses pretty good for a white-bread chicken shit motherfucker, the gang members put a good word into Sweet for him.
After being an errand boy for the GSF for a while, Sweet eventually promotes Dick to a full member of the Families. Dick does numerous jobs for Sweet, including protecting him from assassins, tying up his shoes and helping him get a girlfriend. Dick does missions for fellow GSF members Ryder and Big Smoke, as well as Moms and Kendl.
Although Dick becomes quite loyal to the Families, he decides to do jobs for Cesar's gang to earn a little cash on the side. Tenpenny also locates him and has him and Sweet do some dirty work, which Dick does in the hope that Tenpenny will lift the hit on him. Tenpenny doesn't, and sends Dick on a suicide mission to burn down a house in Amityville. Dick completes this task, pissing Tenpenny off.
After the incidents with Officer Tenpenny; Sweet decides that the GSF needs a police informant. He hires "L" Lawliet, a master detective, to help him. In exchange Dick does some investigative work for L and uses L's connections to get him a job in the Japanese Yakuza. Eventually, however, L begins to go back on his word and rat out the GSF on some of their latest crimes, and Sweet kills him because he seems like a threat.
Sweet begins to become paranoid, killing anyone who seems like they are about to start drug pushing for the Families. Sweet gets Dick to kill numerous members of the Temple Drive Families as they are starting to push drugs, something Sweet doesn't like. After this, Ryder and Big Smoke begin to show mistrust to Dick, because some of their friends were in the Temple Drive Families.
Tensions between the various GSF members are further pushed up when Dick accidently kills a member of the GSF during a mission for Ryder. Big Smoke decides to be an asshole and tells Sweet that Dick intended to do it, and Sweet believes him. Sweet kicks Dick out of the Grove Street Families because of this.
Dick gets pissed off and attempts to murder Big Smoke, chasing him to the construction site of the Los Santos Airport. Big Smoke taunts Dick and tells him that the GSF are going to eventually fall anyway, and that he did Dick a favor. Big Smoke offers Dick the opportunity of helping Big Smoke turn the families around into "something bigger" (hinting of his future betrayal in the original San Andreas). Dick refuses this offer and decides to kill Smoke. However Smoke survives his wounds and makes a getaway in a helicopter, fleeing to Vice City and giving a phone call to Sweet about "taking a vacation".
Because Dick needs to join another gang to help protect himself from Tenpenny, Dick is forced to join the Yakuza. He acts as muscle for the Yakuza with their numerous protection rackets and drug deals, earning quite a bit of money in the process.
However, Ryder is doing drug deals with the Yakuza at this time, and notices Dick working there. Ryder attempts to kill Dick at his new safehouse in Vinewood, but Dick manages to flee in a police car. He asks one of his former police officer buddies, Officer Pendlebury to help him. Pendlebury gets drunk and grabs a fleet of police cars, stacking them atop Sweet's house. The GSF attempt to murder Pendlebury but Dick saves him, having an epic shootout with Ryder on top of Sweet's house.
Sweet is then blackmailed by the Ballas, who have a score to settle with Dick (as he killed their leader during a botchered drug deal with the Yakuza). The Ballas tell Sweet that if he doesn't drive Dick out of Los Santos, then they will kill Moms. Sweet sends a fleet of 30-something GSF members to attempt to drive-by on him, and Dick flees to San Fierro in the process. However, Dick continues to have a friendship with Moms, as she "likes his ass", and Dick comes back to Los Santos to visit her occasionally.
Dick meets The Truth, a crazy drug-addicted Hippy who may have rabies. The Truth hooks Dick up with some of his hippy pals in San Fierro to get him some work and they become fast friends. Officer Pendlebury also follows Dick to San Fierro and they start a relationship.
In San Fierro, Dick is forced to work for the local pimp Jizzy as he knows what Tenpenny is up to. Dick hates Jizzy at first, but soon begins to like him as Jizzy pays Dick 95% of the profits his whores should be getting to Dick instead. However, Tenpenny catches on that Jizzy is helping Dick evade his assassination attempts and tries to personally kill them both. However Dick and Jizzy flee San Fierro and hide in the desert, picking up The Truth on the way.
Lost in the desert; Dick and The Truth are eventually captured by Government agents and taken to Mike Toreno (leaving Jizzy behind in the desert), who forces the duo to do numerous suicide missions for him. They succeed, however, and Toreno uses his influence to shake Tenpenny and his hitmen off Dick. Dick decides to settle down and he moves to Las Venturas.
Tenpenny, however, persuades Mike Toreno that Dick needs to be killed, telling him how Dick almost ratted him out as a corrupt cop and that he could do the same to Mike given the opportunity. Mike agrees with Tenpenny that Dick is a threat and gives Tenpenny the location of Dick's new residence in Las Venturas.
At this time, Officer Pendlebury breaks up with Dick after realizing he's a violent jackass. Pendlebury moves back to Los Santos and continues to work as a cop there.
Tenpenny locates Dick again, and personally tries to kill him, AGAIN. Dick runs away AGAIN and him and Tenpenny have a standoff atop The Four Dragons Casino. However The Truth arrives in a helicopter and rescues Dick, and the two flee San Andreas.
During the ending, Dick and The Truth are seen relaxing in Ocean Beach, Vice City two years later. A newspaper can be seen explaining the murder of "honorable cop" Officer Pendlebury by Carl Johnson (who was actually framed by Tenpenny). And the Ballas decide to kill Moms as they remember seeing Dick hanging out with her in Los Santos, and think that Sweet failed to drive him out of the city.
Dick gets plastic surgery and he and The Truth move back to San Andreas, allowing the player to finish the countless crapload of side-missions in the game.
Reception[edit | edit source]
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas Stories has mostly got negative reception, compared to the other two Stories games. GameFakes gave it 5/10, explaining: "The plot is FUCKED-UP." GameFakes greatly critizied the plot, explaining that Dick spends the majority of the game fleeing from Officer Tenpenny when he doesn't even need to. "Seriously, Dick can BOMB THE FRICKIN PENTAGON and escape intact, but he can't simply run up and kill Tenpenny? WHAT THE FUCK MAN?".
GameFakes also critizised the fact that they didn't even bother making the whole of San Andreas and removed a good 30% of it. "Seriously, the other two Stories games didn't bother sacrificing much, yet San Andreas Stories sacrifices Motorbikes, Planes, Boats and Helicopters simply to fill 70% of San Andreas on a UMD disk. They should have just made it 'Los Santos Stories' or something and set the game solely in Los Santos while keeping most of the vehicles and stuff that we've been acustomed to in GTA so far."
Bonus Missions[edit | edit source]
You can sell ice-creams with a Mr. Whoopee, but they are not ice-creams, they're still weed. All the car missions from the previous game are back, such as:
- Cop Missions
- Taxi Missions
- Firetruck Missions
- Ambulance Missions
Plus some new ones:
- Donut Van Missions
- Mexican Food Van Missions
- Prom Limo Missions
- Kebab Van Missions
- Hippie Bus Missions
- Hobo Taxi Missions
- Fish Van Missions
- Surveillance Van Missions
- Burglary Missions
- Popemobile Missions
- Bulldozer Missions
- Milk Truck Missions (Although It's not milk, its Semen)
- Hotdog Van Missions
There are also some new side-missions in San Andreas Stories, such as:
- Hard Core Missions
- Pie Eating Missions, which you can only participate in on a Saturday between 7:00 and 15:00
- Pornography Photographer Missions
- Looking at Men's Dicks Missions
- Bringing Zombies back to Life Missions
- Smoking Weed Missions
- Stealing Bikes from Black People Missions
- Gas Pumping Missions
- Being Gay Missions
- Killing Gays Missions
- Killing Bi's Missions
- Killing Straights Missions
- Killing Asexuals Missions
- Killing Rapists Missions
- Flaming People on Fire Missions
- Giving People the Middle Finger Missions
- Cocaine Salesman Missions
- Vandalizing Wikipedia Missions
- Suicide Bomber Missions
- Taking Bums For a Ride Missions
- Jaywalking Missions.
- Streaking Missons.
- Mincing Down The Street And Grabbing Random Guys Arse's Missions.
- Searching for the enchanted dildo
Controversy[edit | edit source]
A secret mini-game that had the main character fucking Jack Thompson was uncovered through the game's code, many gamers rejoiced as they finally has a game where you can fuck him, but when Jack found this out the game was banned until Rockstar could release a "Hot Sexy Jack Thompson Free" edition. However, many people didn't care that the mini-game was banned because they hated the lack of seamen in it. As players could replay the mission over and over and Jack Thompson would be "raped" every time the mission was played again (although some players enjoyed replaying the mission, as they could devise countless sadistic ways to annal rape him over and over).
In addition, the usual pussies and bitches constantly whined about the game, as this is still a Grand Theft Auto game even when it was severely dumbed down for the PSP.
The controversy for this game was so high numerous Conservapedia retards made Uncyclopedia accounts and censored this very article.
Costumes[edit | edit source]
POLICE OUTFIT: You get this at the start of the game, gives Dick a strange craving for donuts.
CASUAL OUTFIT: Once Dick is kicked out of the police force, he can wear this, just black shirt and blue jeans.
GROVE STREET FAMILIES OUTFIT: Unlocked once Dick joins the Grove Street Families, not recommended because if you wear it the Ballas and Vagos will go fucking crazy on you. Because Dick is white, wearing this costume makes Dick look more like a wannabe gangsta then Eminem is.
HIPPY OUTFIT: Flower power baby! Dick unlocks this hobo outfit once he completes the mission "Make War, Not Love" for The Truth.
CHICKEN SUIT: The coolest outfit in the game, and everyone likes it. The game sold over 10,000,000 copies once people found out there would be a chicken suit to go to fast food restaurants in, too bad Rockstar removed all the fast food restaurants in the game.
'"GET OUTFIT'": After you burn down the Amityville house and save Mr Kitty from the clutches of the Communists, you are awarded with this suit, cleverly tailored to look like a nun regurgitating, while black goo drips from her left nostril. This has been hailed by the experts at IGN as 'a fucking pointless suit.'
Radio Stations[edit | edit source]
Some of the radio stations have been altered because Rockstar felt like pissing us all.
K-DST - Really lame compared to the K-DST in the original. No Tommy Smith whatsoever and the whole soundtrack is full of Elvis songs (all his bad ones too).
K-Rose - San Andreas had some decent country tracks but this sorry excuse for a radio station uses Johnny Cash songs.
Radio Los Santos - While the previous San Andreas had some awesome shit like NWA, this radio station has Eminem despite the fact that Eminem was not known until the year 1992 (and the game is set in 1990). When asked about this obvious plot hole; Rockstar were on crack at the time and replied that the Radio Los Santos DJ was a Time Lord.
Mastersounds - far from the epicness of the classic funk original, the San Andreas Stories version is now a glam rock station, playing Gary Glitter album tracks, with Stephen Hawking as the live-mix DJ.
Radio X - Sage is a hooker in this time. She only plays inaudiable songs that make the ear bleed.
SF-UR - Instead of a German DJ, we now get an Austrian DJ named 'Adolf HItler von Bitch'. He isn't dead as he claims that 'I must show the world my passion to house music! HEIL!'
Flashback FM - Just what the game needed - an 80s station. Even though only one year has passed, people feel a need to hear overproduced shit. Unfortunately, the only song on this station is Stan Ridgway's 'Camouflage'.
WCTR - Only has one show of the Tight End Zone, and 50 shite Lazlow spots that last fifteen seconds each