User:Schism1985/Dave Mustaine

Proposed revisions to the Dave Mustaine page, any feedback is appreciated -- Schism1985

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Metallica?

Dave Mustaine (aka Dave Mustard/Dave Mustardstaine)
Personal info
Nationality	RedheadThrashmetllion
Date of birth	September 13, 1961
Place of birth	La Mesa - California
Date of death	06/06/06
Place of death	An Elephant's colon
First Lady	Paul Newman
Political career
Order	Whiner and never-was
Vice President	K.K. DOWNING
Prime Minister	n/a
Term of office	n/a–n/a
Preceded by	Lemmy Kilmister
Succeeded by	Mandingo
Political party	In the hotel room!
Penis nickname	n/a

“Hey! I was the first in line!”

~ Mustaine in line at the theater

“I can't kick high enough. I can kick the chair though.”

~ Dave Mustaine on whether his muscular system has failed

“:/”

~ God on on Dave Mustaine

“Dave Mustaine?.. who the hell is Dave Mustaine?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Dave Mustaine

“People say, oh, Dave became a Christian. They think I'm a pussy. I'm not”

~ Dave Mustaine

“You are.”

~ God

Dave Mustaine (also known as Dave Mustard/Dave Mustardstaine) was born on September 13, 1961 in La Mesa, California and is the lead guitarist and song writer of the multi-platinum, Grammy award winning, heavy metal super group, Metallica. Although extremely successful as a musician, Mustaine is infamous for provoking feuds with other bands, possibly due to the fact that he never actually hit puberty.

Early Life (The "Fuck you, Broken Childhood!" Years)

Contrary to popular belief, Mustaine is the product of artificial insemination. Mustaine's conception occurred in a secret government laboratory when the eggs extracted from a female capuchin's uterus were combined with Les Paul's semen and Tony Iommi's ring finger. Even at an early age it became apparent that Mustaine was a trouble maker as he had already begun shooting heroin and dealing drugs at the age of 4.

At the age of 11, Mustaine was visiting his friend's house (well, they weren't really friends, the other boy's mom had forced him to play with Dave) when he spotted a Les Paul gold top sitting in the boy's bedroom, Dave asked what it was and the boy explained that it was his dad's favorite guitar and that his dad would "totally kill him" if anything ever happened to it. Upon hearing this, Dave laughed, pushed the other boy down and smeared feces on the guitar. 5 years later Dave went to a guitar store and bought one of his very own.

Birth Of Metallica (The "Fuck you, Peaceful Suburban Tedium!" Years)

At the age of 16 Dave left home, refusing to put up with the tedium of suburban life any longer. He grabbed his guitar, a change of clothes, his backpack full of heroin and PCP, and hopped on his big wheel, and vowed to ride until he reached San Francisco, deciding specifically upon that city for he had heard that only the coolest, most innovative of people were allowed to live there.

After several days of tireless riding, Mustaine reached San Francisco, but to his disappointment, all that was to be found were a bunch of gay homeless people.

Ever the optimist, Dave decided to make the best of the situation and formed a band by the name of Metallica, calling upon his close friend, devout christian James Hetfield, and fellow drug dealer, Lars Ulrich. It was around this time that Dave and the rest of the band began to experience creative conflicts with then lead guitarist Kirk Hammett.

Dave thought he'd find cool people in San Francisco, instead all he found were a bunch of tools

Although they did their best to make the band work, Kirk was just too unruly for Dave and the rest of the band to handle, and was fired. Kirk later went on to form the rival band, Mediocra-deth although in Mustaine's words: "it was kind of like fighting with a baby, we usually just let him think that he was better than us so he would go away. Also I had sex with him before he left so that was nice." ?

Kill 'em All-The Black Album (The "Fuck you, Kirk!" Years)

At the beginning of 1982, Mustaine had just 37 dollars, no change of clothes, and a 3-inch penis. Yet he never let any of that stop him. His intense vocals, sporadic drug use and kind words to help the band get through any rough spots the years brought forth allowed Metallica to prosper more than they ever could have when Kirk was in the band. And so, throughout the 80's it was Dave, and Dave alone who wrote Metallica's greatest hit songs of all time, including Fade to Black, One, Master Of Puppets, Enter Sandman and The Unforgiven. ?

Mediocra-Deth (The "Fuck you, Metallica!" Years)

Due to "peaceful, non drug-related" creative differences, Dave chose to quit Metallica in 1992, stating, "On second thought, Metallica sucks."

And suck it did. Without Dave's leadership and musical genius to guide the way, Metallica slowly but surely diminished. Unsure of how to continue without the heavy metal ultra god that was Mustaine, the remaining members of Metallica went on an indefinite hiatus for the remainder of the early 90's.

At the same time an unexpected change began sweeping the heavy metal/hard rock scene, Nirvana-Mania was all the rage, and suddenly poor personal hygiene was considered socially acceptable. It was now Kirk Hammett's time to shine. Mediocra-deth's 1992 album, "Countdown To Status as an Endangered Species" brought fame and fortune previously unheard of to Kirk and his fellow band mates. Mediocra-deth was no longer the retarded step cousin of Metallica and Dave wanted in.

Dave Mustaine speaks of his first encounter with Kirk Hammett after previously firing him from the band:

Kirk's jaw dropped when he was told that he was fired from the band.

"At first he was like, 'Dave, you fired me from Metallica! Why would I ever let you join Mediocra-deth?', and I just said to him 'Look, man, we can point fingers all day long, or we, together, as two friends, can create the greatest band ever.' I think that really made Kirk see eye to eye with me on the matter, and I was fortunate enough to be hired as the lead guitarist of Mediocra-deth."

18 months after being hired as Mediocra-deth's new lead guitarist, Mustaine fired Kirk Hammett from the band, citing that "Kirk was a liability, I just couldn't have him getting in the way of my success any longer."

? Dave Mustaine on the firing of Kirk Hammett:

"Kirk got really indignant about it, he started whining about how 'you can't fire someone from their own band' and 'I thought you said we'd do this together ' and all this other egotistic nonsense, and I just held up my hand and said, 'Kirk, I know you want this, but Mediocra-deth has evolved into something much greater than yourself', at that point he just stormed off. He's really immature."

During the next 2 years, Mediocra-deth flickered out and died, even with Mustaine's brilliant leadership and creative genius, there was nothing that could be done to save the band "that Kirk had destroyed."

When asked about the untimely demise of the formerly ultra-famous band, Mustaine blamed his producer, bassist, rhythm guitarist, drummer, society, audio tech, guitar cable, advertising director, endorsement with Jackson, corporate greed, god, censorship of media, Hillary Clinton and Skittles.

Attempt To Rejoin Metallica (The "Fuck you, Mediocra-deth!" Years)

While society, religion, big corporations and everyone except himself had been secretly conspiring to ruin Mustaine's career, Hammett had rejoined Metallica and recorded a new album with them, the 1996 heavy metal masterpiece, Load. Critics and fans alike were astounded by Metallica's ability to maintain their thrash metal roots while appealing to a wider audience. Metallica was back on top, and Dave wanted in. ?

Mustaine approached Metallica in early 1999, just after they had finished touring in support of Load . Expecting to be welcomed back into the band with open arms, Mustaine was shocked to find that "The bastards didn't want me."

Mustaine comments further on the matter: "I couldn't see any reason why they wouldn't want me back. Especially Kirk since I was the one who made Mediocra-deth successful in the first place. I decided to wait it out for a couple weeks, thinking that they'd come to their senses eventually. I was wrong. After about a month, I came back and said to them, 'well, am I in or what?' , and they just told me, 'fuck off, you're not part of this.' I was crushed. I mean, how can you kick someone out of their own band? It's just beyond me. "

James Hetfield responded by explaining that: "Dave came up to us right after we had finished a 3 year long tour and told us to fire Kirk and hire him instead. We told him to fuck off."

Drug Abuse And Depression (The "Fuck you, Everything!" Years)

Upon being denied by Metallica, Mustaine spiraled into a deep depression. By 2000 Mustaine had begun heavily abusing heroin and "totally awesome sweet alabama liquid snake"-a potent mixture of LSD, methamphetamine, cocaine and cat piss. Attempting suicide numerous times throughout the year, the most famous (and well documented) of these attempts resulting in partial castration and deafness in Mustaine's right ear.

This is your brain on Dave Mustaine

In April of 2001, Mustaine was forced into rehab by his neighbor, who "couldn't stand him sleeping in my garage any longer." At first rehab seemed like a difficult transition for Mustaine, but after 62 consecutive electroshock therapy sessions, Mustaine finally came to his senses and realized that he was headed toward a very bad place unless he changed his ways.

In February of 2002, Mustaine was released from rehab, vowing to "never use drugs again. ever." 6 years and 34 separate entries into rehab later, Mustaine would finally overcome his addictions.

2008-2009 (The "Fuck you, Me!" Years)

2008 brought about a distinct change in Mustaine's life style. Dave explains:

"After 43 years of abusing heroin, cocaine, acid, alcohol, MDMA,crack, codeine, nitrous, PCP,DXM, methadone, Rohypnol, peyote, hash, crystal meth, inhalants, ketamine, OxyContin, mushrooms, morphine, opium, pentazocine, salvia and valium, I thought to myself: 'This shit just can't be good for me'. And at that point I knew that I had to make a change. That's when I entered rehab for the 34th, and final time."

After kicking drugs permanently, Mustaine took up guitar again, and by October of the same year had formed what he dubs the "single greatest heavy metal super group of all time." A studio band in which Mustaine plays all instruments, sings all vocals and masters and records each song completely on his own.

Metalliocria-Superdeth's first album, "I'm Better Than You" is slated for release in early-mid 2010.

The Future (The "Fuck you, Rest of My Life!" Years)

• Dave Mustaine has stated in an interview with grabatit.com that he is starting his very own Dance show called "So you think you can Dance like Dave Mustaine?". Unfortunately most critics claim that the show will be a flop due to the fact that Dave Mustaine can't actually dance. Mustaine responded by creating his own group of rival critics to criticize the critics who criticized him.

• Mustaine has has also expressed interest in forming a side project band to rival Metalliocria-Superdeth, if he accomplishes this, he would become the first musician in history to be the front man of two rival bands simultaneously.

Charity (The "Don't fuck you, retarded people!" years)

Over the years Mustaine has been involved in numerous disputes, however most of the allegations against him seem to be grossly exaggerated. In fact, Mustaine famously gave free guitar lessons to Dave Navarro, a severely retarded young man who idolized Dave for his "boyishly handsome good looks."

Dave jumped on the offer to give little Navarro guitar lessons as he heard that doing so could result in possible publicity for Metalliocria-Superdeth.

Navarro stared blankly at Mustaine throughout the entire lesson.

Throughout the half hour long guitar lesson, Navarro stared blankly at Mustaine as he taught him a few of his favorite licks, afterward Mustaine took Navarro out to Baskin Robbins to buy him a cone of his favorite ice cream.

Mustaine has also helped people struggling with addictions of their own. Actually, just one person, a seemingly randomly selected heroin addict who he met at an autograph signing. Mustaine said that: "Helping the guy kick heroin was a really personal experience for me, I mean not too long before I had struggled with the same issues and it's just been so special for me. I don't have kids of my own or anything, so he's pretty much my step son [laughs]"

When reminded that he actually has two children, Justis and Electra, Mustaine just stared off into the distance.