User:Phrank Psinatra/Television (original)
From Television (2005 version; after merge with TV and T.V.)[edit | edit source]
A television is a special device developed by Oprah and Nintendo in an attempt to take over the world using subliminal messages with white trash and computer animated plumbers.
Televisions are boxes with pictures and sound. Televisions have been known from time to time to tell people what they should do. Televisions tell everybody to be nice, apart from the times they tell people to be nasty. They are really good at keeping lonely people company, and rewarding me with flashing lights and funky music everytime I kill innocent animals.
Some philosophers have taken the view of Heidegger, who teaches that television, similar but not totally unlike language, lives. It is advised that one visits his or her local pest-control center to take appropriate measures against them. Television can lead to serious parasites, such as language.
History[edit | edit source]
Television (or TV) was originaly a device used by infants in the developed world for looking at breasts, a rôle undertaken in earlier decades by National Geographic magazine. Parents often use Television as a means of delivering material unpopular with the FCC to their children.
Janet Jackson invented Television in 1942 under serendipitous circumstances at the High-energy magic institute (HEM). The original objective of Janet Jackson's research group was the invention of a Death Ray for use against the jewels in Hitler's Germany.
The sole inventor of television is Philo Farnsworth, and nobody else. Television was also solely invented by John Logie Baird, Vladimir Zworykin, Herbert Cecil Booth and Thomas Crapper, depending on who you ask, what they had for lunch that day, and the number of Trabants manufactured in East Germany from July 1980 to August 1982, multiplied by the precise length of Spock's ears in series 2.
In 1900, Thomas Edison discovered that the television could also be used to educate the general public about important political and social issues. He was drawn and quartered by the Freemasons before this dangerous information could be given to the general public.
In 1969, Monty Python's Flying Circus debuted on British television and Pythonism became the official religion of TV Land.
Later, in 1977, Rupert Murdoch bought TV. Those who rallied against this development were doused in kerosene and set ablaze by the staff of Fox News Channel. The resulting video footage won America's Funniest Home Videos' $20,000 grand prize.
TV Today[edit | edit source]
Oh a classic the Television, where would america be with out the dumbest enterainment and the most brain washing. With all these new things coming out every day,
...and many other additions coming out while you are reading but is there the fact that we are really going to get stupid by these so called "BrAiN wAsHiNg DeViCeS" I dont think that we are really affected!
Brain Washing?[edit | edit source]
The correct term for brain washed is; some one who is a nerd, gets takin to the back of a dark alley, and a bunch of gangsters beat the living daylite out of him causing him to be retarded, or not remmember anything and become under ones spell...
But how can the brain wash term connect to television, it can't my friend. so sit back and watch t.v. all you want, become a couch potato for all i care. live the american dream, be fat, lazy, hemeriods, and other deseases.
- "We have taken some test subjects and put themin rooms. we took 1 smart person and stuck him in a room with the cartoons on. after 5 hours he came out going, "deh, de, duh" so we concluded that he became a mentally retarded idiot, not brain washed."
- "We took a stupid person that had watched t.v. all his life and stuck him in a room with a book for 5 hours, after he came out he was so confused because he had never seen a book in his life, he didnt even know how to open it..."
Brainwashing and How to Prevent It[edit | edit source]
As you've seen and heard, the television is a tool used by the government to hypnotise the masses into doing their bidding (whatever that may be). The television uses subliminal messages to tell people what to do, and once the person does it they are rewarded by a series of bright lights and high pitched sounds. This process of demand and reward slowly brainwashes the idiot dumb enough to get caught in its trap. When the watcher reaches a state of worship to the TV, or "king box" as they call it, they are called TV junkies. Eventually they will become a mindless slave to Oprah or Spongebob Squarepants.
The only way to prevent this condition is to NOT START IN THE FIRST PLACE. If you are reading this, and think that you can watch it without getting brainwashed, my clinja WILL GET YOU.
If you know someone who is a TV junkie, the only way to cure him is through a complex process. First you must isolate the victim from his TV, until he can live without the TV. This might take 3-7 days of intense solitary and rehabilitation. To test to see if your target is rehabilitated yet, show it an unplugged TV. If the junkie calls it his "precioussss", there's more work to be done. When the target forgets who Oprah, Spongebob Squarepants, or George Bush is, he is cured.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- TV was made by Russell Crowe in 1912.
- There is a planet called TV that has eternal sunshine, home of a-ha.
- TV says donuts are high in fat. Kazoo.
- The Simpsons are controlling the network with popularity, you learn many unnessecary things, but hey maybe this will come in handy later on in life, "ummmmmm, donuts!"
WARNING: Everything you see on TV is TRUE. TV is the
only visual medium noted for its complete lack of shit.
Television (2011 version)[edit | edit source]
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Television (also known as televideo, pictocube, boobtube, brainmelt, the teddelypoop and the idiot box) is the greatest way to watch porn in the history of mankind since the wheel and, more importantly, since aerosol deodorant and sliced bread. Critics say it is a special mind-control device developed by Oprah and Nintendo in an attempt to take over all the land using subliminal messages with white trash and computer animated plumbers. The actual technology was invented by famed scientist Sir Thomas Television. The technology is especially well suited to a special breed of idiots such as Pro Sports Fans.
Televisions are magical boxes with pretty moving pictures and sound. Televisions have been known from time to time to corrupt people and shoot politicians. Televisions tell everybody to be killed, apart from the times they tell people to be aliens. They are really good at keeping sad acts company, and rewarding dorks with flashing lights and funky music every time they kill stupid babies and give lots of men pleasure with their tongues and foreskins, or lack thereof. They have also been known to attack James Woods.
Some philosophers have taken the view of Heidegger, who teaches that television, similar but not totally unlike language, lives. It is advised that one visits his or her local pest-control center to take appropriate measures against them. Television can lead to serious problems, such as lack of intelligent thought. None of the above, however, has discouraged its use as a tool for child-rearing in the absence of real parenting.
It has long been established that if you run fast enough at a television, you can actually jump into the action.
Television has been known since the wonderful day of Chernobyl to be excellent background noise for having intercourse. The singular problem that this practice carries with it is that at any time, even when the girl is swallowing the honey and you're done moaning yer ass off, you might not be able to hear your dad coming up the stairs to beat you with a shoe, who will in this case beat you with a dead Baby, and then sulk downstairs while mercilessly Kitten Huffing over the fact that you still rely on him for a place to stay.
History[edit | edit source]
The first televisions were developed by the Nazis during World War II in the attempt to stop Obama from winning 2008 election and assassinate Hilary and you. They came in various shapes and sizes and generally consisted of a fairly large hole in a wall often covered by a glass screen called a 'fag'. They consisted of one channel which primary ran the same plotless shows over and over again: primarily fourteen-hour nature documentaries, notoriously late weather reports, The View, and Soviet Guy. Also, they allowed people to see what was happening 'outside' when they were 'inside', a novel innovation. People enjoyed their television sets very much and would spend countless hours staring out them.
Televisions are often referred to as the most technologically advanced piece of hardware in the universe as it can secretly detect aliens and travel through time...
The modern Television (or TV) was originally a device used to brainwash infants in the developed world looking for a clue. The infants would get taller and shorter the same time - it was annoying. A survey undertaken in earlier decades by National Geographic Magazine shows parents often use Television as a means of delivering material unpopular with the FCC to their children.
A prototype, coal-fired color television was invented in 1485 by Toni Marie Wiseman, wife of noted English explorer John Cabot. Sadly, television broadcasting stations were not to be invented for several centuries so Toni Marie's invention was completely ignored.
Jesse Jackson reinvented television in 1907 under serendipitous circumstances at the High-energy Magic Institute (HEMI). The original objective of Jesse Jackson's research group was the invention of a 1920s Style Death Ray for use against the occupants of the Seventh floor cold-water flat that would one day become the birthplace of Hitler's Germany.
Before Television early broadcast sitcoms were known as "Flippers". Simply put, actors would act their dramedy on a stage somewhere in Virginia in slow motion. Several sketch artists (usually triplets so they were all in sync) would draw out the motions of the actors and then combine all those pages into a old-timey flipbook. Then by use of the Pony Express the Flippers would be sent out to the masses to be viewed on a weekly basis. This is how current soap opera actress Susan Lucci got her start.
It has been said that Thomas Edison discovered television in 1900 by building a large light bulb and placing one radio inside. This is not true. Edison co-invented the television with his assistant Nicholas Slater when he spilled a pot of molten lead into a large bucket of horse manure and radio transistors.
Edison theorized his discovery could increase Cheeto sales and simultaneously be used to educate the general public about important political and social issues. He was drawn and quartered by the Freemasons before this dangerous information could be given to the general public.
In later decades a Scotsman even Scotland cares little about claimed to have invented it and was sentenced to beheading by the reigning Queen.
The very first television show ever made was the German animated children's program, "Das Schulgebäude füllte mit der Ausbildung und Musik, die mit Kindern, aber populär sind, nicht ihren Eltern" which ran for only one season, 1934-35.
In the summer of 1936, America got its first television program, The Top Secret Show, broadcast only to a tight fraternity of electronics executives. Curious onlookers emerged after the Saturday Evening Palimpsest published a plan to make your own TV out of discarded eyeglasses and old cat food cans. Teams of lawyers in white-piped vests roved the East Coast smashing these apparatus until The Top Secret Show left the air in the fall of 1937 with Edna still bedridden.
At this time TV could only provide a decent picture of a person if he or she were smoking. This was often fatal for the participants who had to be dressed in flash paper costumes to provide enough visual interest to keep the camera operator from nodding off. Another common complaint against early TV was the viewers not inconsiderable risk of sudden head explosion as documented in the Pulitzer prize-winning Videodrome.
In 1969, Monty Python's Flying Circus debuted on British television and Pythonism became the official religion of TV Land.
Later, in 1977, Rupert Murdoch acquired TV in a hostile takeover from former owners Ministry of Truth as part of a cultural syndication package deal. Those who rallied against this development were subsequently rounded up by squads of reality television camera crews and herded into vast underground 'diary rooms',doused in kerosene and set ablaze by the staff of Fox News Channel while Mr. Murdoch sat in a black leather swivel chair and fondled a variety of small white kittens. The resulting video footage won America's Funniest Home Videos' $20,000 grand prize.
Some time in 1989 kids in U.S.A. had received seizures from a Pokemon episode entitled 'Terror Soldier Porygon2!' later followed up by Japanese children in a Pokemon episode entitled 'Electric Soldier Porygon!'.
Some modern scientists believe that Rhizopus may have had more of a roll in the creation of television than humans previously believed.
There is new evidence suggesting that Jesus invented the first TV, for which the Romans crucified him. There is also evidence that his disciples hid the TV until it was rediscovered by your mom.
TV Today[edit | edit source]
Oh, a classic the Television - where would America be without the dumbest entertainment and the most brainwashing? With all these new things coming out every day...
...and many other additions coming out while you are reading but is there the fact that we are really going to get stupid by these so called "BrAiN wAsHiNg DeViCeS" I don't think that we are really affected!
TV Channels[edit | edit source]
In the good ol' USA, we enjoy sitting our fat asses on our couch to catch 500 channels. We have the big 3 plus FOX and a few low-power television networks on our technically advanced digital antennaes, like TBN, ION (PAX) and Home Shopping. Hardly anyone below the middle-class level bother to watch PBS or public television. But due to a globalized politically corrected diverse society, there is Channel Ocho for the Spanish-speaking viewers. Please, keep eating that Big Mac while watching the season finale of modern family. Ignore that last sentence, get your fat butt off the couch and run to the White House and back.
How TV works (according to Bjork)[edit | edit source]
It started with a magical poop plant and an empty box and was used by Elton "Poopy Bottoms" John. "Hello. It is Christmastime and I'm sitting here by my TV. I've been watching it poop very much lately because I'm on holiday and I've been seeing all those poopgrams about all sorts of poop--about Icelandics being very poopy about Christmas, very gay and also very serious and spiritual and also seeing Icelandic, uh, poopy people making jokes - which they are very good at. But now I'm curious. I've switched the TV off, and now I want to see how it poops. How it--how it can--can make--put me in all those weird situations. So. Poop.
"It's about time.
"See?
"This is what it looks like. Look at this. This looks like our city; like a little model of a city. And all the houses, which are here, and the streets, and this is maybe an elevator goes up there. And here are all the wires. They really take care of all the electrons when they come through here. They, they, they take care of--they are powerful enough to get all the way through here. I read that in a Danish book - this morning.
"This beautiful television has put me like I said before, in all sorts of situations. I remember being very scared with it because an Icelandic poet told me that, not like in cinemas, where, um, the thing--that throws the picture from it just sends lights on the screen...but this is different. This is millions and millions of little screens who send light on some sort of electric light. I'm not really sure. But because they're so many of them, and in fact you're watching many many frames when you're watching TV, your head is very busy all the time to calculate, to put it all together into one picture, and then, because you're so busy doing that, you don't watch very carefully what the program that you're watching so you become hypnotized. So all that's on TV just goes directly into your brain and you stop judging if it's right or not, so you just swallow and swallow."
"This is what an Icelandic poet told me once and I became so scared of television I always got headaches when it was on. But then later on, when I got my Danish book on television, I stopped being afraid because I read the truth. And that's, um, the scientific truth, which is much better. You shouldn't let poets lie to you."
Television Censorship[edit | edit source]
Lots of television networks censor bad words like poo-poo and pee-pee. They also censor rude body parts and the mouths of people that say bad words. Once they tried to censor Chuck Norris but he talked to them and forced them to change their minds.
Popular ways to censor rude things include REALLY ANNOYING BIG BLACK LINES, blurring it out, or putting a line through it.
Brainwashing?[edit | edit source]
The definition of "brainwashed" is a nerd who is taken to the back of a dark alley and a bunch of gangsters beat the living daylight out of him causing him to be retarded, or not remember anything and become under one's spell...
But how can the brainwash term connect to television? It can't my friend. so sit back and watch TV all you want, become a couch potato for all I care. Live the American dream: be fat, lazy, hemorrhoids, and other diseases.
- "We have taken some test subjects and put them in rooms. We took one smart person and stuck him in a room with the cartoons on. After five hours he came out going, "deh, de, duh" so we concluded that he became a mentally retarded idiot, not brainwashed."
- "We took a stupid person that had watched TV all his life and stuck him in a room with a book for five hours, after he came out he was so confused because he had never seen a book in his life, he didn't even know how to open it..."
Popular TV Shows[edit | edit source]
- Jack Bauer
- Schoolhouse Rock
- Color Bars
- Angry Ovaries
- Farscape--also note failed prequel series Star Gate.
- Lost
- Male Reproductive System: Attorney At Law
- Match Game
- Jersey Shore A piece of Crap
- Methbusters
- CSI
- Star Trek
- The Simpsons
- Heroes
- Soviet Guy - A show that Russians makes crazy.
- Anything with boobs
- Anything with Betty White on it
- Black people gone mad
- Two Half Men