User:NoNamesLeft/TheLastPoker
The Last Poker (also known as the "Last Poker Tournament" or "The Lord's Poker") was a card night held by Jesus of Nazareth and his twelve foremost Disciples in the House of the Rising Sun in Jerusalem the day before the Last Supper (just after which Jesus was crucified). The Last Poker thus marked the end of a little-known gaming tradition developed by Jesus during the years of His ministry throughout Judea. Between 30 A.D. and 33 A.D., while wandering between towns spreading the Good News of everlasting life, Jesus realized that it was no easy task to save adulteresses from being stoned to death or to feed entire wedding parties with a just a single loaf of bread. Jesus thus started using weekly, low-stakes Poker games every Wednesday night to help Himself and His 12 Apostles regain their strength; in the words of the Lamb of God: "Man cannot live by bread alone; he needs a good game of cards every now and then, too." (Harrah's 12:44.)
The Last Poker had a lasting impact both on modern-day Poker and on Christianity. It was that very night that Jesus handed down his Ten Commandments of Poker, many of which remain basic Poker etiquette to this day (i.e., "Thou Shalt Not Splash the Pot," and "Thou Shalt Not Bet Out of Turn"). Also, it was during The Last Poker that Jesus first presaged his impending betrayal by Judas Iscariot; while playing a round of Five-Card Draw, Jesus announced that one of the 12 Apostles would cheat him out of the winning hand. Judas ultimately dealt from the bottom of the deck to give himself a Full House while at the same time dealing Jesus the first-ever "Dead Man's Hand" in recorded history. Finally, it was during The Last Poker that Jesus taught his followers how to play the Eucharist (a card game known today simply as "Euchre"), which Jesus requested the Apostles play in remembrance of Him.
Events Leading Up to The Last Poker[edit | edit source]
Jesus Founds His Weekly Poker Night and Makes His Triumphant Entry into Jerusalem[edit | edit source]
Early in His ministry, in approximately 31 A.D., Jesus realized he was wearing out His Apostles. They became tired and demoralized constantly roaming in pairs from from Galilee to Antioch and beyond, carrying only a staff. Jesus therefore taught the Apostles the ways of Poker along with peace, humility and eternal salvation. Soon, Saint Peter was telling Jewish villagers that it is easier for a fat man to pass through the eye of a needle than to draw an inside Straight. Similarly, John the the Baptist became known for baptizing/Baptism new converts in the River Jordan while preaching the importance of the "river" card when betting during Poker. Even Jesus worked Poker into his ministry; he spread the Word of the Lord during his frequent entries into semi-professional poker tournaments, telling other players, "Don't count your money while you're sitting at the table; there'll be time enough for counting on Judgment Day when the dealing's done." (Kenneth Rogers 14:35.)
Of course, Christ's ministry did not last forever. Biblical scholars agree that the end of Christ's ministry is marked by His entry into ancient Judea's capital, Jerusalem, for Passover in the week prior to His crucifixion by Pontius Pilate and the Roman war machine. Most scholars, however, are unaware of how Poker and gambling influenced this critical time in the life of Christ.
Cleansing of the Temple: Confrontation with the Poker Dealers and Money Changers[edit | edit source]
Upon arriving in Jerusalem on the Tuesday before Passover, Jesus headed to Herod's great Jewish Temple. Once inside, Jesus was shocked to find pilgrim worshipers gambling at Poker and Blackjack tables. As He watched players take their winnings and cash them out with the money changers, who would exchange the winners' Poker chips for silver coins, Jesus was filled with righteous indignation. Jesus quickly snatched a card shoe from a nearby Poker table and began hitting the card dealers and money changers over the head; then,"He drove them all out of the temple, with their card decks and chips, and poured out the changers’ money and overturned the Poker and Blackjack tables. And he said to all those present, 'Get these out of here! Do not make My Father’s house a house of gambling! For it is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of card sharps and thieves.'" (Monte Carlo.) 21:12-18.) This was the first and only time in the recorded life of Jesus that He engaged in physical violence. Having incurred the ire of the High Priests and Rabbis at the Temple, Jesus then left with his Disciples to scout out a place to hold their weekly Poker night.
Selection of the House of the Rising Sun as the Location for the Last Poker[edit | edit source]
Jesus and His 12 Apostles left the Temple and returned to the outskirts of Jerusalem to avoid possible arrest by King Herod's religious authorities as a result of the cleansing of the Temple. Despite the many risks, however, Jesus was determined to hold His weekly Poker night. He therefore waited until the final hour before sunrise the following morning, i.e., the Wednesday before Passover, and then instructed two of his Disciples to travel back into Jerusalem to locate the casino in which they could hold their Poker night later that day. When asked how they would know which casino to choose, Jesus informed the two disciples as follows: "There is a house in Jerusalem they call the Rising Sun; it shall be the ruin of many a young man, and God, I know, I'm one. But anyways, to find it, follow the road until the sun rises, and the house shall be directly before you; this shall be where we will play Poker tonight, and you will find upstairs a private Poker room and table prepared especially for us." (Gambler's Anonymous 17:911.) The disciples successfully followed Christ's instructions, found the casino, and then sent for Jesus and the rest of the 12 Apostles.
Details of The Last Poker[edit | edit source]
The Last Poker Begins[edit | edit source]
That night, Jesus and the 12 Apostles gathered at their private table in the House of the Rising Sun and began playing "dealer's choice" Poker just after sunset. When the dealing rotated to Judas, he called Five Card Draw as the game and dealt each player five cards, face down. Before even glancing at His cards, Jesus looked up at at each of the disciples and said, "Verily I say unto you, that one of you shall cheat me out of winning this hand." (Card Sharps 10:666.) And the Apostles were exceeding sorrowful, and began to say unto Him every one, "Is it I, Lord?" (Card Sharps 10:669.) And Jesus answered and said, "He that dealt this hand to me, the same shall betray me." (Card Sharps 10:772.) The players proceeded to place their initial bets, discard and draw further cards as dealt by Judas, and then place their final bets. Jesus placed the last and highest bet and called the hand, showing His own hand in the process - Two Pair: the Ace of Clubs, the Ace of Spades, the Eight of Clubs, and the Eight of Spades. Each of the disciples other than Judas then showed their respective hands, none of which were higher than a single Pair. Finally, Judas placed his cards on the table face up to reveal a Full House: Sixes over Kings. Jesus then looked directly at Judas and said, "You have dealt from the bottom of the deck and given me a Dead Man's Hand, yet it is you who shall suffer; for the Son of man goeth, even as it is written of Him: but woe unto that man through whom the Son of man is betrayed! Good were it for that man if he had not been born, than to play Poker thus and die." (Card Sharps 10:711.) Judas remained silent, avoiding Christ's penetrating stare. It was then that Satan entered into Judas. Jesus therefore said unto him, "What thou doest, do quickly." (Card Sharps 10:1048303.) Judas panicked and scooped up all of the chips on the table; then, having taken the winning pot, he went out straightway from the Poker room into the night.
Jesus Concludes the Last Poker with his Farewell Discourse on Card Playing, and Reveals the Ten Commandments of Poker[edit | edit source]
With Judas gone, Jesus admonished His 11 remaining Apostles on Poker and card playing. First, he warned the remaining Apostles to avoid gambling to excess. Pointing out His recent betrayal by Judas, Jesus told his followers, "Brothers, tell your followers not to do as I have done - to spend their last days in a place of sin and misery, like the House of the Rising Sun." (The Animals 13:45.) Jesus then explained that the Apostles should play a game other than Poker in His remembrance: the Eucharist. The Eucharist was revealed by Christ to be a trick-taking card game most commonly played with four people in two partnerships with a deck of 24 standard playing cards; Biblical scholars agree that Jesus revealed the card game as a way of making an example of Judas: the Eucharist is the card game responsible for introducing the Joker into playing decks. This is telling insofar as the Joker is both a fool and a faithless "chameleon" that can be played as a wild card. Over the centuries, "the Eucharist" became more commonly known by its modern-day, shortened name: Euchre.
Notwithstanding the above, Jesus did not declare it to be a sin to play Poker. Rather, to "clean" the game up, Jesus pronounced the divinely-inspired Ten Commandments of Poker, as follows:
| No. | Poker Commandment | |
|---|---|---|
| 1. | Thou Shalt Honor Thy Dealer as Thou Wouldst Thy Mother and Father | |
| 2. | Thou Shalt Not Splash the Pot | |
| 3. | Thou Shalt Not Bet Out of Turn | |
| 4. | Thou Shalt Not Count Thy Money While Sitting at the Table | |
| 5. | Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Cards | |
| 6. | Thou Shalt Not Bear Falsely Marked Cards or Deal the Cards Falsely | |
| 7. | Thou Shalt Remember and Adhere to Thy Weekly Poker Night | |
| 8. | Thou Shalt Not Check and Raise | |
| 9. | Thou Shalt Not Play Poker on the Sabbath | |
| 10. | Thou Shalt Not Play Poker with Anyone Named Judas |
Having provided his Farewell Discourse and laid down the Ten Commandments of Poker, Jesus told the 11 remaining Apostles that their would be no further, weekly Poker nights in which Jesus would be participating. Before he could explain why, however, Judas Iscariot came through the door to the private poker room, walked up to Jesus, and handed him a King of Hearts. Jesus asked, "Is this how you betray me? With the one card that represents me as the King of Kings, with boundless love for all mankind regardless of their sins?" (Benedict Arnold 13:35.) Before anyone else could say or do anything, four muscle-bound pit bosses from the main gaming floor downstairs rushed into the room and seized Jesus.
Jesus is Tried by the Rabbis and Roman Official who Own and Operate the House of the Rising Sun[edit | edit source]
When the pit bosses seized Jesus, one of His disciples stood up and declared, "If it is Jesus of Nazareth you seek, you have the wrong man. I am he who calls himself the King of Kings and carries the King of Hearts as his badge. Come look at these cards in my hand, and I shall show you the King of Hearts." (Kings 32:56.) Jesus raised his hand to silence his Disciple, admonishing him that, "He who lives by the bluff dies by the bluff." (Kings 32:89.) Jesus thus went peacefully downstairs with Judas and the pit bosses to the first floor of the House of the Rising Sun to face the accusations against Him.
The Manager of the casino, a Roman official named Pokerus Pirate, was waiting for Jesus along with several Pharisees and Rabbis from the Temple. Pokerus Pirate began interrogating Christ. He said to Jesus, "I am told that you play Poker in violation of Jewish Law in that you play with Kings being the high card, and Aces the low card." (Pokerus Pirate 25:35.) Jesus remained silent. Pokerus Pirate went on and asked, "Are you the King of Kings, the King of Hearts incarnate on Earth?" (Pokerus Pirate 25:35.) Jesus responded, "So you say." (Pokerus Pirate 25:35.) Pokerus Pilate then asked, "So you are a king?" (Pokerus Pirate 25:35.) Without even waiting to see how Jesus would answer, The Pharisees began yelling that Jesus must be punished for blasphemy because Caesar was the only true king. They screamed for Jesus to be banned for life from all casinos and Poker tournaments within Judea and the Roman Empire. Pokerus Pilate then told Jesus, "I can save you from punishment, but you must admit the error of your ways." (Pokerus Pirate 27:67.) Jesus answered that His Poker table was not of this world and that the Poker of His Kingdom could have no bearing on the Poker of Rome or Judea. As his final question, Pokerus Pirate asked Jesus, "So you would not impose your rules of Poker upon Rome or Judea?" (Pokerus Pirate 14025:01.) Jesus responded with his famous pronouncement, "Render unto Caesar's Palace the Poker that belongs to Caesar; render unto God the Poker that belongs to God." (Pokerus Pirate 3:02.) Pokerus Pilate thus turned to the Pharisees and rendered his judgment that Christ had done no wrong and bore no guilt. The Pharisees, who owned the House of the Rising Sun but did not manage it, overruled Pokerus Pilate and insisted that Jesus be banned for life from playing Poker for his alleged transgressions.
The Passion of the Christ for Poker[edit | edit source]
Thus began what is known as The Passion of the Christ for Poker. The pit bosses in the House of the Rising Sun proceeded to superglue over 100 Kings of Hearts all over Christ's face and body, and then hung a sign around his neck that hung around his chest, which read, "King of Hearts and King of Kings." (Bosses 25:12.) They also hung a second sign around His neck that fell over His back, which read, "Banned for Life from All Poker Games upon Pain of Crucifixion." (Bosses 25:15.) They then threw Jesus out of the house and into the street. Judas was waiting there on his knees, begging Christ for forgiveness and a second chance. Jesus absolved Judas of his sins and allowed him to rejoin the Apostles. From there, Jesus and the 12 Apostles wandered through the city looking for a place to spend Passover.
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
Some say that Christ now plays Poker at the right hand of the Father in Heaven; others say Jesus plays in regular tournaments with deities from other religions.]] It is well known that Jesus went on to find a suitable location to hold a Passover dinner with his 12 Apostles, only to be betrayed by Judas (again) and persecuted by Jewish and Roman leaders (again). The second time was not a charm for the Savior, however, and after the Last Supper He went on to be crucified. This said, there can be no doubt that the Last Poker played a critical part in the final days of Christ prior to his crucifixion, resurrection, and ascension into Heaven. And, of course, Poker and Euchre would not be what they are today if not for the Last Poker.