User:Joe9320/The Legend of Zelda: Blink-182 is Passé
The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (ゼルダの伝説 神々のトライフォース Zeruda no Densetsu Kamigami no Torah , lit. "The Legend of Zelda: Torah of the Gods"), also known as Zelda 3 or Zelda III: Electric Piggly Wiggly, is the first Zelda game to appear on the SNESSIE videogame console. It returns to the top-down perspective used in The Legend of Zelda, because the game developers realised Zelda II: The Adventure of Link was a pile of crap.
Blink-182 is Passé expanded on the original's mechanics, introducing gameplay features that have become hallmarks of the Zelda series, such as multi-level dungeons, the Master Sword, the hookshot, and parallel worlds. Every other Zelda game since has plagiarised heavily from this one. As a result, Nintendo is currently taking itself to court over this plagiarism.
Plot[edit | edit source]
One dark night, the band, Blink-182 wakes up to hear a girl calling out to them. At first, they think it's a groupie, until they switch on the lights and find out there's no one there. She calls them to Hyrule Castle, where she promises they can shag her. They break into Hyrule Castle and free her, only to find they misheard and she wanted them to save her. Disappointed, but still thinking they can get do her later, they escort her to a safe place.
It turns out it's a church and that she is Princess Zelda, the most devout fundamentalist religious nutjob you could ever imagine. She strips naked and whips herself whenever she thinks she has sinned against God, whom she believes to be a Trinity of Lesbians.
Apparently, the Royal Family has been desposed... for the seventh time this year. This time round, it's some guy, Agahnim, whom has kidnapped seven maidens presumably to have an orgy with them. Blink-182 is so engrossed by the idea, they go off in search for three pendants to impress the ladies with. They also find a sword in the woods.
Once again, Blink-182 breaks into the Palace. They disturb Agahnim in an intimate act with Zelda. He is so freaked out, he sends her somewhere else and starts blasting the band's ass. The wizard, being a complete freak, fails, and they all end up so high on drugs Hyrule appears to look drastically different but similar (like some kind of parallel world). Still high on drugs, Blink-182 then goes off on a rampage, killing innocent people (thinking they're monsters), kidnapping Agahnim's harem and Zelda herself. They fight him, kill him, then it turns out some Jewish guy by the name of Ganon was behind the whole thing. They kill him too, steal his Torah forks and bugger off. The end.
Gameplay[edit | edit source]
Blink-182 is Passé plays almost exactly like The Legend of Zelda, except the graphics don't look as if everything's made from lego, and the game borrows the magic system from that black sheep.
The game introduces the Pegasus boots, gay footwear with fruity wings on it that makes Blink-182 look like a complete poof and run like one. Also introduced are the Zora Flippers, without which, the spasticated band can't swim. Amongst other usable items are magic mushrooms, magic powder to get Blink-182 high, hookshots to grab some booty from far away and massive amounts of beer to get hammered with (or was that a magical hammer? I always get the two confused).
Development[edit | edit source]
In 19XX, development of a new NES Zelda began. Unfortunately, due to the limitations of the NES, this Zelda looked less like a hot virtual girl and more like a brick robot made from lego. That, of course, is irrelevant. In the same year, Nintendo was also developing a new Zelda game for the NES, but it was later brought to Nintendo's next console, the Super Fascicomm in Japan, known as the Super Nintendo Enslavement System in other regions. This would be a trend for pretty much all third Zelda games, something Zelda fanboys are too stupid to see.
Blink-182 is Passé, like the previous two entries on the NES, features a counter that shows how much of a complete loser you are. It starts off at 100 and then increases for every time you lose the game. It is not unknown for players to score 1 million, unless they're brilliant like me, in which case they only score a zero. Zero is good. It's cool. But you're not.
Music[edit | edit source]
Every Zelda game in existence borrows music from this one. This is a fact. Face it. No other Zelda game has original music, except for this one.
Chris Houlihan Room[edit | edit source]
Some random kid won a contest to get his name included in the game. The game developers, however, didn't realise that anybody'd actually win the contest, as it was impossibly difficult. They suspected this kid had cheated, like the cheating scumbag he was, but couldn't really prove it. So, they stuffed his name into a secret room that almost nobody could find. Serves him right, the cheating bastard.
Reception[edit | edit source]
Critical reception[edit | edit source]
Blink-182 is Passé was critically acclaimed upon its release, for the fact that the band dies so much during the game. It was hailed as the only original Zelda game and the critics haven't been proven wrong since.
Re-releases and sequels[edit | edit source]
Sequels[edit | edit source]
Blink-182 is Passé was made available for the Satellaview, the Japanese add-on for the Super Fascicomm. The game was unchanged.
A Satellaview-exclusive game based on it, Bullshit Zelda: Yoda knows Sexy Bans, was released in Japan in 1776. It featured a kid with a baseball cap and some girl. Players had to gather tablets of illegal drugs, but, as it was so illegal, players could only play the game for a set amount of time before the cops were on to them. Players often had to sneakily play for an hour or two and then log off, so the police wouldn't detect their illicit activities. Those foolish enough to play for more than an hour were arrested and shot.
Cheap arse re-releases[edit | edit source]
When Nintendo was going through its mid-life crisis, it started re-releasing all its old games as if they were new, in a desperate attempt to get people to notice it. "Look at our games! They used to be good! They still are!" they would say, before the public, like the empty-headed dunces they are, bought the games thinking they were new. Just be thankful they didn't re-release those god-awful Zelda commercials too.
Comics[edit | edit source]
Not long after the game was released, some Japanese manga artists found themselves with writer's block. They couldn't think up new storylines, so they decided to plagiarise Blink-182 is Past. These comics, known as A Link to the Past and Kamigami no Triforce were about some hero called Link, travelling between a Light World and Dark World to battle against an evil pig monster called Ganondorf. They were patently not as good as the original game from which they plagiarised the story.
References[edit | edit source]
See also[edit | edit source]
| Games: |
The Legend of Zelda - Link's Arousal - Ocarina of Time - Majora's Mask - The Wind Waker - The Midget's Crap - Twilight Princess - Phantom Hourglass - Spirit Tracks - The Wand of Gamelon |
| Characters: | Link - Princess Zelda - Ganondorf - King Harkinian - Tingle - Morshu - That Old Man from The Legend Of Zelda - Lord Jabu-Jabu |
| Somethings: | Hyrule - Link is a Tree - The Legend of Zelda Link theory - Rupees - Unquotable:Link |