User:Bizzeebeever/To fix/Comedy

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“[The Irish] treat a serious thing as a joke, and a joke as a serious thing.”

~ Seán O'Casey, on the priorities of the Irish

“[vomiting sound]”

~ The Irish, on Seán O'Casey

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”

~ Noted academician Mel Brooks, shortly before his arrest for throwing children into open sewer holes

“I find comedy...puzzling. Though I do quite like Polish jokes. Can I go now please?”

~ Adolph Hitler on Comedy

Please note before reading this article that Comedy is a serious matter and should be taken seriously. Idiocy is not Comedy, and may result in Death. Do not attempt to be funny at home, without the proper attire—safety goggles and nitrile pants, at the least. You have been warned.

Origins

The earliest known example of comedy is Creation. If God didn't create all this to amuse Himself, then, I ask you, sir, why in the fuck did he bother? Take, for example, this "evolution" thing: we began as slime, then grew fins and made squeaking noises; we left the oceans, grew tails, and climbed trees; we then made grunting noises, fell out of the trees, lost the tails, and stood up; and then we moved into caves, started wars, and invented politics. What else is that process but stand-up comedy? Well? Ah-hah! I see that you are speechless, sir, for you know that I am correct! I bid you good day!

A lion and his mate share a moment of hilarity.

Come closer human... you know you want it!

While microscopic life forms are very rarely actively humorous, they have been known to carry out rather complex pranks on each other. The "higher" life forms, on the other hand, are much more adept. Lions are known to share a guffaw over the dinner tabl—er, the carcass; dolphins, arguably among the funniest life forms on the planet, have been observed making fun of humans, and even hosting roasts at their expense. However, none of these animals has approached...

Comedy In Politics

Democracy

In a democratic political system, you are allowed two choices—Blue or Red. (Please don't pretend that Green is a real choice, it's just there for laughs.) So everyone doesn't take things too seriously, these are called 'parties' and involve coloured banners and streamers, fireworks, and a great deal of drinking. The Blue team stands for people who like paying for their own round of golf, and wearing a tie; the Red team stands for people who like other people to pay for their round of golf, and wearing tee-shirts.

George Washington

Successful political stand-up is one of the great legacies of the Founding Fathers and is enshrined in the Declaration of Independence. George Washington himself is said to have employed a dwarf called Mr Jingles, who was instructed to 'goose' guests at Mount Vernon by pre-arranged signal. Famously a sufferer from depression, George derived great enjoyment from observing his guests' reactions. One Senator is said to have jumped so high in the air that he impaled himself on a brass candelabra in the Crimson Drawing Room.

Abraham "Grab-Ass" Lincoln

The original laugh-grabber was Abraham Lincoln, who, with his trademark fake beard and stovepipe hat, created one of the greatest pranks of all time—the Emancipation-of-Slavery Proclamation, in which he decreed that Southerners could no longer use black people as slaves. To this day many Southerners resent being the butt of the joke, but the Proclamation was wildly popular with black voters, who quickly joined in the fun and responded by marginalising themselves in ghettos and wiping each other out in hilarious 'drive-by shootings' and drug overdoses.

Margaret "Iron Vagina" Thatcher

In Britain, former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher raised many a laugh by hitting other politicians with her famous 'handbag' (which was, in reality, crammed with gold bars), and awarding her morally-challenged son Mark various lucrative gun-running contracts. Hapless husband Dennis provided a handy stooge for Margaret's famous one-liners, and is immortalised in the cartoon series Dear Bill.

Nice Bush

This, my friends, this...is a comedian.

One of the most popular political comedians of recent times was Ronald 'McDonald' Reagan, who, with his red nose and giant clown-feet (and frankly hilarious monetary policies), had the world in stitches. Two other popular clowns, with a more classically 'silly' name, were the father-and-son Bushes, both called George (boy were they having a laugh!) The Bushes took turns electing one another, with help from another Bush—brother 'Crazy Jed' Bush II—and effectively ruled the Western World for more than a decade. They introduced the hilarious term enhanced interrogation whereby people with dark skin are submerged under water until they agree to 'get the joke'. (One of them managed to hold out for 187 consecutive 'joke' sessions until finally succumbing and literally vomiting with laughter.)

Political Doubleacts

Nixon & Kissinger, Bush & Cheney, Blair & Brown—who doesn't have their favourite comedy duo?

Comedy in Film

Movie comedies are known to be one of the most common failures in history. It is estimated that approximately 5% of movies advertised as comedies are actually funny, while most others are random movies with "comedy" slapped below their names in order to lure poor, unsuspecting victims into watching them. Luckily, there are a few methods of determining whether or not a film is, in fact, a comedy:

• Check if it has talking animals (especially three-dimensional ones). If this is the case, avoid the movie at all costs. Movies containing nothing but talking animals are the most dangerous type of fake comedy, known to cause DEATH.
• Check if it is a romantic comedy. "Romantic comedy" is a potentially-fatal oxymoron.
• Does it contain a moral? If so, its not funny. It is an evil attempt to make you be nicer. Avoid.
• Is it in a foreign language? If it is, you wont understand it, and you'll be like, "DOOD I CANT UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS BEH SAYIN!".
• Is it a very famous film? If so, regardless of the actual quality of the movie, the Internet will inevitably beat every single one of the film's jokes to death with a wooden fence post, and then drag the corpse behind a pickup across fifteen counties. Eventually, all copies of the movie will be melted down and remolded into trash receptacles.
• Is it made by Disney? If so, it's a pile of shit...though Disney will, in all likelihood, make a bajillion dollars off of it.

Universal Humour

Who says you can't have sex with aliens?

Universal Humour is a form of training developed by NASA to prepare astronauts for their journey into the depths of space. Mostly top-secret, the training is thought to include pie-in-the-face and other slapstick routines, such as carrying a long plank and whacking fellow astronauts 'round the head with it, (known as a docking manœuvre). Astronauts are required to memorise such classical Zen koans as, "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, do the other trees split their sides laughing?" in case they meet aliens, and need to talk their way out of a sticky situation.

Comedic Timing and Delivery

In comedy, timing is everything. Imagine telling a joke, then saying, "...and I'll be back next year with the punchline!" One of the few comedians who has actually been able to pull this off was Joseph Stalin—of course, he cheated somewhat, as anyone who didn't laugh a year later was shot and boiled in acid. Stalin's most dreaded japes were his '5-Year Jokes'; as a result of them, Russians are still nervous about humour, even several generations later. Indeed, the young Stalin's younger brothers and sisters sometimes refused to laugh at his many puerile jokes, and, as punishment, he would line them up and pummel them, each in turn. Thus was born the punch-line.

Before and during World War II, Adolph Hitler would perform stand-up routines in front of crowds of hundreds of thousands of serious-minded young Germans, including his famous shouting and fist-waving skits, which were an homage to his hero, Charlie Chaplin. Hitler also imitated Chaplin's trademark mustache, causing Winston Churchill to utter the immortal comment, "I zay, we jhall boomb the veddy devil oudof Drejden!" (I say, we shall bomb the very Devil out of Dresden!)

God Himself, the Great Comedian, was a master of comic timing. One of his greatest jokes was the Parting of the Red Sea. In this routine—which owes much to the late, great Benny Hill—the Jews were allowed to escape the Egyptians because Moses pushed a hidden lever, which caused the waters of the Red Sea to recede down a hidden s-bend, with a great flushing sound. Once the Jews were through and safe on dry land, Moses released the lever and the Egyptians were all drowned as the bowl of the Red Sea filled up....eh, I guess you had to be there at the time to appreciate the true hilarity of 't, but anyhow, trust me—it was a hoot.

Proper Usage

The proper use of comedy is essential. Used improperly, it can potentially backfire, causing serious injury. See ATP. Comedy should be used where it is unexpected, but never where it is unwanted.

Proper Response

This is one type of proper response to comedy.

The proper response to Comedy is, under ideal circumstances, a rapid exhalation of air, with a light application of the vocal chords on the "out" breath. This produces the following noise: ha ha ha ha ha (occasionally glug glug glug, and very rarely, achihi). In addition, bodily fluids and gasses may also be expelled from certain, less internally-stable individuals, causing more air exhalations from their neighbors, and possibly creating an infinite loop that depletes the room of oxygen and/or living people. Most people find that these air exhalations come as a natural response, if the Comedy is actually funny; otherwise, they may have to force the effect out of politeness. This may especially be required if the Comedy is being delivered as an after-dinner speech, where the absence of laughter may be an embarrassing indication of ass-facedly assembled jokes.

Comedy Contamination

Shakespeare's comedy remains widely appreciated today for having been written by William Shakespeare.

A simple rule of comedy:

When producing humor it is important to understand that one stupid paragraph in a well-done article doesn't make the whole article stupid, but place one well-done paragraph into a stupid article and the paragraph becomes as stupid as the rest of the article. We call this law "The Law of Things That Are True, For Some Reason".

An example of this law in action would be to insert a stupid Uncyclopedia paragraph in-between some lines of Shakespeare. For instance:

“ ANTONIO:
In sooth, I know not why I am so sad
It wearies me; you say it wearies you;
But how I caught it, found it, or came by it,
What stuff 'tis made of, whereof it is born,
I am to learn;
And such a want-wit sadness makes of me,
That I have much ado to know myself.

This was When zombies ruled the earth 400 kazillian bazllion years ago and giant robots landed on Mt. Everest and created Barack Obama. Then a giant Zork desendd from the skies and ate Obama. This was known as the great feasting of 400 kazillian billian B.C.

SALARINO:
Your mind is tossing on the ocean;
There, where your argosies with portly sail,
Like signiors and rich burghers on the flood,
Or, as it were, the pageants of the sea,
Do overpeer the petty traffickers,
That curtsy to them, do them reverence,
As they fly by them with their woven wings.

”

Note how Shakespeare doesn't look any more stupid for having an idiotic paragraph rammed into its midst.

Now note the opposite:

“ Mental illness was invented in 1942 by a japanese salesman from Nantucket. The way to tell if someone is insane is to xray there head when they arent looking. If the xray is full of loose screws then they are bat fuck insane. Throw magnets at the crazy person and they will go away. When crazy people sleep at night its like
O sir, we quarrel in print, by the book; as you have
books for good manners: I will name you the degrees.
The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, the
Quip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; the
fourth, the Reproof Valiant; the fifth, the
Countercheque Quarrelsome; the sixth, the Lie with
Circumstance; the seventh, the Lie Direct.
WAAAAABAWABAWABAWABAWABAWABAWABAPOOOPIE! BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES Boobies!!!!!111 ”

See Also

Enough said...

• George Osborne
• Mel Brooks
• Kitten huffing
• It's Politically Incorrect So It Must Be Funny
• Trying hard to be funny
• Comic duo
• a FROG story.
• Some guy who wrote funny plays
• Wikipedia

Do Not See

• AAAAAAAAA!
• Kirsten Dunst
• Dan Rather
• Carlos Mencia (The guy, not the article)
• I ♥ Huckabees
• Will Ferrell
• Adam Sandler
• Jimmy Fallon
• David Letterman
• 95% of the Internet
• Your Mom

  The Complete works of William Shakespeare