UnNews:UnNews Play: The Job opportunity

Forums: Index > Village Dump > UnNews Play: The Job opportunity (talk)

Note: This topic has been unedited for 3712 days. It is considered archived - the discussion is over. Do not add to unless it really needs a response.

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

14 November 2013

Wanted: Caretaker For Farm. Simply watch over a 688 acre patch of hilly farmland and feed a few cows, you get 300 a week and a nice 2 bedroom trailer, someone older and single preferred but will consider all, relocation a must, you must have a clean record and be trustworthy – this is a permanent position, the farm is used mainly as a hunting preserve, is overrun with game, has a stocked 3 acre pond, but some beef cattle will be kept, nearest neighbour is a mile away, the place is secluded and beautiful, it will be a real get away for the right person, job of a lifetime – if you are ready to relocate please contact asap, position will not stay open.

Leverage (talk) 16:34, 11 November 2013 (UTC)

Where do I have to relocate to? -- The Zombiebaron 17:07, 11 November 2013 (UTC)

Ohio. It would best suit someone who doesn't have too many things tying them down. There are lots of nice deer around. Leverage (talk) 17:45, 11 November 2013 (UTC)

How many cows is "a few"? If more than 3, you might want someone young and energetic. -- Simsilikesims(♀UN) Talk here. 20:40, 11 November 2013 (UTC)

I'd move from the Falklands if I could hunt the hunters, protect the fish, let the cattle run free, and track down some of the "game" to lay with them. Are there women to be had in the area, or on the farm itself? When do I start! Aleister 11-11-11

It's Las Malvinas, not Falklands. The Argentines might get angry. |Si Plebius Dato' Joe ang Aussie CUN|IC Kill | 09:03, 12 November 2013 (UTC)

That's great! All in all, more than 100 people have applied for the job. If picked I will need you to start quickly. I'll pick you up tomorrow in my Buick LeSabre with my nephew Brogan. My name is Jack. Bring your Harley because there are plenty of beautiful rural roads to putt-putt in. --Leverage (talk) 21:29, 11 November 2013 (UTC)

Ok, please come pick me up tomorrow. -- The Zombiebaron 03:35, 12 November 2013 (UTC)

Look guys I'll come clean. This was just an attempt to lure a few unsuspecting Uncyclopedians into the woods to kill them, but it all went wrong. I shot Zombiebaron dead (at least I think he was dead) but when I tried to kill Aleister, my fucking gun jammed, and although I got the second shot away, it just winged him. Is anyone else around today? If you find a man with a shattered elbow bleeding to death in a country lane in Ohio, please finish him off for me. I'll be your best friend. Also, did I tell you that there is a job going? There might be some money in it for you, if you like watching buffalo. Leverage (talk) 12:36, 12 November 2013 (UTC)

Zombiebaron isn't dead. He's coming. The Hamon Master WeinribJo Joestar of Earth 13:45, 12 November 2013 (UTC)

The dirty devil. I thought he had a funny look on his face. Leverage (talk) 14:12, 12 November 2013 (UTC)

You don't. wanna mess with Leverage. Cause Leverage. Will fucking kill you. Lord Scofield Stark 19:10, 12 November 2013 (UTC)

He didn't kill Zombiebaron. The Hamon Master WeinribJo Joestar of Earth 19:16, 12 November 2013 (UTC)

That's cuz Zombiebaron is undead. The undead can't be killed with normal bullets. -- Simsilikesims(♀UN) Talk here. 19:28, 12 November 2013 (UTC)

Fair enough, but Leverage is kind of lame. I bet he doesn't even play Pokemon. The Hamon Master WeinribJo Joestar of Earth 19:31, 12 November 2013 (UTC)

Leverage drove me all the way to Ohio, shot me, then drove off and forced me to walk all the way back home. What a dick. -- The Zombiebaron 20:52, 12 November 2013 (UTC)

That's the first compliment I've had about my penis all day. I needed that. And I think I found Aleister, but it's hard to tell, some coyotes got to him, especially around the elbow. Does anyone have a wood chipper? I am gonna Fargo the lad. Leverage (talk) 21:02, 12 November 2013 (UTC)

Hunting Uncyclopedians? That's hardly sporting. All you have to do is follow the wheezing. And, even in this economy, three hundred a week for getting shot at is hardly worth it. A private in the Army gets fifteen-hundred a month, and he gets to die someplace nicer than Ohio. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 22:38, 12 November 2013 (UTC)

MMM! I like the way you used less colons there. Now the shape of this forum looks like a person's profile. I am going to go in a bit for the mouth. Does anyone want to work on the bottom lip? You may be tied into the crime as an accomplice, but only if your name is Brogan. Leverage (talk) 23:06, 12 November 2013 (UTC)

I've been watching your damn farm for three days now, where's my three hundred dollars? the farm doesn't have cable, the neighbors keep dropping off jam, and the cows never come home and I have to chase them to stick food in their mouths. Not all as advertised, that's for sure. gotta go, Mrs. Halleysniffer is at the door with more jam. Aleister Where's my money???

Jesus Christ, if you're on the farm, who did I just turn into woodchip (he said, rounding out the bottom lip nicely) Leverage (talk) 11:35, 13 November 2013 (UTC)

That was Zombiebaron. And believe it or not, he's still not dead. The Hamon Master WeinribJo Joestar of Earth 13:27, 13 November 2013 (UTC)

I would like to thank you all for taking part in the first UnNews Play. --Leverage (talk) 16:02, 13 November 2013 (UTC)

Sources

• Leverage, "The Craigslist killers: the full story" Guardian, November 11, 2013