UnNews:Today's music is so horrible, I need to go to counseling

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

3 March 2013

Crikey! What the fuck is that thing? Kill it before it lays eggs!

MUSIC WORLD, EARTH –

Music… what is music? I don’t think music is what is coming out of your car’s radio anymore. In fact, I would rather sleep in a cemetery than listen to the most popular radio stations, at least my headaches will be caused by something paranormal and not just downright unpleasant and terrible. Okay, I must admit, some of the “songs” played on the radio are actually really good. But it doesn't mean I’ll download them on my iPod or something like that. In fact, the last song I put into my mp3 player or iPod after hearing it on the radio was probably either Matchbox Twenty’s "How Far We’ve Come" or "Shot Through The Heart" by Bon Jovi… and that was like, what, four or five years ago? I just have one question, what am I even listening to when I turn on the radio, on these rarer and rarer occasions. I can’t even explain what I’m hearing. They call this so-called “music”, things like “Nicki Minaj”, “One Direction”, “Justin Bieber”, and “Kanye West”.

First I must put out a multiple complaints on Nicki Minaj, who seems to be feeding the girls’ imaginations and securing the position of “role model” for the girls in my own age group. First, I've heard that some of these girls aren’t even allowed to be friends with me on Facebook because “I’m a mean person” and “I’m a bad influence” or something like that. Okay, I can be a miserable person at times. However, I guess I have a reason to be. It doesn't make much sense, because if Nicki Minaj is sending a message, (which I must say would be failed by an English teacher AKA Mrs. Smith) which is promoting the use of cocaine, partying, sex, and other disturbing stuff like this, where upon the only disturbing thing(s) I’ve done was kill a baby bird when I was five, annoy people frequently, and act like a jerk towards someone when I was in 6th grade, why am I the bad influence? I don’t smoke, drink, cut, snort, have sex, attack people, or party, let alone be invited to one, why am I the bad influence? But because it would be better to respect the opinions of others, even though I basically ruined that chance of avoiding disrespecting the opinions of others, I’m going to stop rambling on about their favorite so-called “musician”. However, I do have one last quick comment to make towards her. I honestly had to look up the lyrics to her works to find out what her message was. Not going there again. And her grammar is so bad, she deserves to be slapped. I mean, in some instances of beats and certain elements I can understand the use of slang words like “yo”, “’cause”, and stuff like that. Maybe even ending words that should end in “ing” with an “i-n” is totally acceptable. However, I’d fail her for saying “you a stupid hoe”. I’m actually flooded with rage inside myself just quoting that. Jeez.

One Direction shouldn't be famous for the reasons they are. Yes, I actually think they are good singers. But seriously, I can’t even get on Facebook without getting the feeling someone spammed me with pictures and statuses about the band members’ looks. “Oh my god, Niall is so hot.” I've seen that statement probably a thousand times. Only about ten times have I seen “his voice is good.”

Also, when people say they are talented songwriters; no, they’re not. They don’t write their own songs. Sorry, but they’re just another record label product. And guess what, it is likely the only reason they were signed after losing the X-Factor was because there was a sense that their looks would cause a boom in the music industry. Which are mostly just musically-oblivious fan-girls. For the fans of One Direction who like them for their voices, I applaud you. You found music. Prewritten music in which you like because of their voices. That’s a step up.

Also, next time somebody calls me a “directionator”, I’ll die inside from the anger I’ll experience. Don’t call me something related to something I don’t like. If I say “One Direction isn’t good.” Do you really think calling me a “directionator” is helpful? It makes you look obsessive and blinded, just an FYI. Also, One Direction and their puppet-masters are unoriginal (once again) and go, literally, one direction and steal ideas from The Beatles.

Justin Bieber sounds like a girl, which a lot of the times is actually what music is all about. Too bad he’s unoriginal (I can’t say more unoriginal than One Direction) and his most popular songs are annoying. And by annoying I mean the lyrics aren’t well written and the story is generic.

I don’t like most rap either, because it promotes basically the same thing Nicki Minaj promotes per my above rant. However, some rap is good. I have to admit that.

I just wish we could go back to 2008 (at least). Maybe even 2007, 2006, 2005, or 2004? Actually, can’t we just go back to the 1980s? What about the 60s? That’s real music. The lyrics actually have emotion and meaning.

I know what you’re thinking. Why is this kid dissing our music when he listens to emo-cut-your-self-screamo My Chemical Romance and Panic! At the Disco? Well, to answer your question, because they aren’t emo, they don’t talk about cutting yourself, they aren’t suicidal, and they aren’t screamo. My Chemical Romance’s lead singer Gerard Way was an alcoholic, smoke-addict, cocaine snorter in the summer of 2004 and almost killed himself. After spending an hour puking, he was sober and drug free within a few weeks and only smokes mildly. He also only drinks alcohol like wine and more softer hard drinks like that every now and then. He’s still alive, successful, married, and has a child, whilst just being more of a happier person all-around since then. That’s a role model, not Nicki Minaj. He saves lives, he doesn’t end them. He promotes ending problems, not ways to cause them. (No, by ending problems I mean not killing themselves. I don't mean ending problems as in suicide.)

Something that was good. Your children will ask you, what's a Nirvana? And they will be talking about the Hindu kind of nirvana.

And Kurt Cobain, even though he killed himself, he was also a legend. Nirvana was a great band, and still is one of the most popular bands today. And they didn’t support doing drugs and all that stuff.

Or, we could just solve the problem all together and go back to when there was little-to-no lyrics at all. Hmmm?

The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Three Days Grace, the All-American Rejects, blink-182, Nirvana, The Used, Mayday Parade, Panic! At the Disco, The Fray, Matchbox Twenty, 30 Seconds To Mars, Paramore, Queen, the list just goes on and on. What list do I speak of? The list of what should be music icons and music-associated role models instead of whatever the radio is streaming today. Plus, I wouldn’t mind taking long road trips anymore if that happened. I’d get a lot less headaches and become a more pleasant person.

I do, in fact, know that you all will forever hate me. But even in musical words you could understand, YOLO.