UnNews:The Pope annoys everyone and nearly starts a war

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16 September 2006

"Oi! Mohammed, knock it off mate, she's not worth it!" - sayeth Jesus, who is just standing over there on the left.

NUREMBURG, Germany --Pope Benedict has really irritated some radical fanatics with his most recent remarks which he stated at a rally of enthusiastic Nazi supporters at Nuremberg in Southern Germany. According to reports, Pope Benedict stated:

"Listen, boys, you might be surprised to hear this, but I just love Islam. It's a smashing religion with a lot going for it. Take the subjugation of women for example. What a great idea! We've been trying for centuries on that one but we've got nowhere near as far on it as Islam. I mean, come on, who wants these women running all over the streets with their sinbags jiggling about distracting us from the Bible? No, no—let's put them in wardrobes, just like Allah says."

"And another thing, I want to say that I most definitely am not like that guy—and I mean nothing like him at all—not even related to him as it happens—who said—and these are his words, not mine—that other guy who said—and here I quote, like so you know, it's not me—who said:

That Mohammed bloke was alright, unless he'd had a few, then stand back lads, 'cause he was gonna be cracking skulls...

- No, I am not like him AT ALL. OK?"

About five seconds after the Pope made these remarks, the International Iranio-Syrian Council for the Promotion of Islam by Any Means Necessary issued a press release which said:

"The Pope is wanting to kick us all in the testiculars. We therefroe have every justifikashun for bombing the Vatican."

Fifteen minutes later, at ten past three in the afternoon, the Vatican was stormed by radical fanatics who stomped about leaving mud all over the tapestries. Pope Benedict fended them off with a chair, and tried to stop the violence by shouting:

"Now look, nobody is to stone anybody, unless I blow this whistle! Even if... and I want to make this absolutely clear... even if they do say Mohammed..."

He was last seen disappearing under a pile of gravel.

A spokesperson for the Muslim Council for the Promotion of Islam in a Rational and Sensible Manner That Doesn't Require Specially Made Belts denounced the act, saying:

"Deary deary me, how awful. Islam is a religion of love, peace and big comfy cushions, not this kind of thing. What we need to do is to organise some jumble sales and tea parties. We can invite the infidel to these and offer them a toasted muffin if they convert. Now, isn't that a nice idea? Wouldn't it be fun!? It certainly seems to me to be the most rational and sens... WE HAVE MORE PLANES! SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! ... sorry, sorry. It's the shortwave police radio. It messes with the magnets in my brain. Sorry..."

After he had climbed from the rubble, Benedict reportedly said:

"Jesus, maybe we should just become Buddhists, you know? At least they're peace lovers."

The Buddhist Council for Bringing Nirvana to the Masses was outraged and immediately released a press release which stated:

"We are bloody well sick and tired of everyone thinking that Buddhism is some kind of push over religion for losers and freaks! Well, Benedict, you'll soon know, because tomorrow we're coming over to your place and throwing ladybirds at the windows. See how you like that!"

While publicly supporting Benedict's actions the Vatican is really annoyed with him in its private parts. As Cardinal Rational explains, "I mean, ok, so its his first day out and he's nervous. But for Christ's sake, it's a home crowd! It should have been simple - just mumble a bit about how God loves Germans too, and then go home. That's what the last guy would have done. But what does he go and do? He only nearly starts World War III, the dipshit. I knew we should have gone with the tap dancer. Folks would have loved him."

Source

• Fr. Guido Sarducci "Heathens pissed off at Pope, demand free beer" The Vatican Gossip, September 15, 2006