UnNews:Col. Wilson expedition in bit of jam eh wot? Pip pip! Eh-heh!

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27 October 2006

"The natives assured us the baboons were quite harmless unless provided with oil and firearms."

BANTHUNIS, Africa -- Col. Reginald Wilson reports from the depths of wild Africa that his expedition is pressing forward in spite of numerous difficulties, as significant and worth-while scientific and anthropological finds continue to occur with astonishing frequency.

As gentle reader may recall, Col. Wilson began his challenging quest in response to a wager presented to him by fellow explorer and Horizon Club member Winnington Baldry one stormy evening nearly three years prior. "Show me tangible evidence for this behemoth jungle viper of which you speak, and I shall then consider the merits of your otherwise implausible tales of adventure," Baldry gesticulated.

Thus the great Col. Wilson found his honour at stake, and immediately began the arduous task of assembling an expedition team comprised of seasoned explorers, guides, assorted rough-necks, and other persons trained in the Medical Arts, to duplicate his previous expedition, accomplished nearly a decade past, with extraordinary loss of life due to harrowing encounters with aboriginal Negroes and diverse varieties of dangerous indigenous fauna.

The Wilson Expedition, as it came to be known, has thus far completed nearly one-third of their anticipated route, repelling all manner of assault with the same degree of aplomb and genuine fortitude recounted in Wilson's heart-quickening tome which described his first adventure into the unknown reaches of untamed lands near and below the Equator, filled with the sort of adventure that youngsters today stifle yawns about, but would in all likelihood be guaranteed to add gray streaks to their shaggy heads should they ever find themselves in a similar situation.

Some friendly natives assist the plucky and courageous Mrs. Blythe-Weddington in traversing a treacherous marsh.

Wilson's Party, as it has come to be known, has primarily traveled by foot, with camel, donkey or likewise similar pack animals unable to adequately navigate the thick jungle, cut through with swift rivers filled with archaic creatures of devilish intent, including the dreaded crocodile and what the natives refer to as "manulu-bentu", an amphibian predator which strikes unexpectedly from the murky depths of water-reed filled marshes and found to be useful in producing a variety of related necessities that most of us would simply drop into the local chemist's to purchase at the toss of a few small coins, yet impossible to procure from the native ape-men and lone adventurers who might be encountered haphazardly during a trek through uncharted lands.

Also taking a great toll are the diseases flourishing in the communities of unwashed heathens and proto-men with skin as black and tough as a Briggsby compass case, with which is supplied a sturdy leather strap which could bind an elephant if necessary. The mosquito has been discovered to be the carrier of such illnesses, and no method is spared in the attempt to protect oneself from infection, however, the outrageous fecundity of the jungle brings them out in droves, and few can sustain any resistance against the furious onslaught for long.

Tobacco, black powder and whale oil chewing-gum continue to delight and charm the local natives, who consider most white men attempting to explore the region the worst kind of crack-pots and lunatics. Glittering eyes reflect the light of the tentative camp-fires, which smoulder under the weight of perpetually soaked wood and leaves. Unseen dangers lurk beneath the jungle canopy, and curious tales of encounters with creatures that could only be described as throw-backs to the Age of the Dinosaurs, which strike with monstrous size and frightening speed to their advantage.

Rendering the bleak sunlight and leeches which attach themselves to your legs through your pantaloons with no thought of the peril and mechanical contrivances preserved in a small cave guarded by fearsome leopards and giant apes hungry for human blood.

Sources

• Manx Needs Women "Ailmentary brouhaha presents noisome soliloquy" Piss Off Press, October 27, 2006