The Teddy Bear War
|Teddy Bear War|
|Commanders and leaders|
|Casualties and losses|
The Teddy War refers to a conflict in the volatile regions around Cuddlesberg, Teddyland from 1998 to 2003 between international forces led by Poland, Teddyland, Teddionia and various factions within Teddyland. Teddyland is located in South-East-North-Lower Europe, a region that has recently seen many of its states joining the European Union.
In 1923 Teddyland declared independence from the Austro-Hungarian empire, a move which was widely believed to be five years too late. Despite the laughter Teddyland began a ten year period of relative peace and properity, being run by an autocratic monarch King DiddyWhack II the Piggy Bear. Despite the popular support for independence many ethnic minorities came to the conclusion that King DiddyWhack was just as bad as the previous Austro-Hungarian Emperors had been; for instance Goatie Bears in the north continued to be persecuted by local officials and despite promises to reform, King DiddyWhack did nothing.
After the death of the King his daughter Princess Fuzzydims married Count Bouncy-Nose a member of the Teddy Bear nobility which had wide support among ethnic minorities. This seemed to ensure peace and stability in Teddy Land until the country was invaded by the Nazis.
Despite some attempts at autonomy history records how the Royal family collaborated with Hitler, in particular with his policy of deportation levelled against the Snuggle Lambs and the Doggy Bears. After the defeat of Hitler, Teddyland was annexed by the Soviet Union but promptly put under the control of a Puppet Dictator. The Puppets ruled Teddyland with an autocratic style of government typical of the Soviet satelite states, backed up on three occasions by Soviet tanks. Ethnic tension were kept from the surface by the brutally efficient Buzzle Love secret police force. Upon the collapse of the Soviet Union the ruling puppets tried to keep the country together, but lingering resentment and ethnic tensions broke the country in pieces, resulting in massive ethnic cleansing.
Despite their associations with Nazis the Royal Teddy Family was still seen as a potent symbol of national unity; sensing the time was right to reclaim his country King Cuddlewink returned in 1993 and after a four year war, he mannaged to unite Teddyland once again.
King Cuddlewink is Deposed
The future seemed bright for Teddyland until 1997, when ethnic tension flared up once again. Despite his initial popularity and promises for reform, the recurring repression of ethnic minorities continued. A new faction calling itself the Cuddly Liberation and Hugs Movement (CLHM) called for the execution of King Cuddlewink. A massive counter offensive was ordered by the king, which would have been likely to succeed had he not earned the ire of his senior soldier by sewing his nametags on them.
The army attempted to come to a deal with the CLHM but were flattly rejected. This had the effect of convincing the CLHM that they were close to victory, and in the next year the reached the capital city of Bobble Top.
Most of the city greeted them as liberators, but the rebels had no interest in living up to this greeting. Instead they tore through the city, arresting everybody in sight until they had found King Cuddlewink and his family. They were brutally executed in the centre of the city by beheading. Then without warning the rebels fled Bobble Top and returned to Cuddlesberg.
The next two months was known as the Interursum period due to the lack of a Teddy bear in the Happy Palace. Many regions including Cuddlesberg unilaterally decalared independence, though at this point it was not clear who was in control of the regions. This chaos continued until a movement known as the Bearshevik party led by the charismatic Chairman Meow declared itself to be the ruling party, and with the support of the army they defeated all opposition and restored order to Bobble Top.
The Lollipop Conference
Unfortunately the country was still fragmented; so the Bearsheviks launched a campaign to bring the regions in line. Chairman Meow enjoyed tentative support from both the west and Teddionia at first, but reports of civilian mass killings led to criticism and eventual condemnation by the west.
In order to defuse the tensions and halt the slaughter, all parties were invited by Grand Ayatolla Khomeini to Tehran for talks in what became known as the Lollipop conference. Countries that were invited include Russia, USA, Cuba, Poland, Great Britain, Teddyland as well as delegations from the breakaway regions of Cuddlesberg, Baa-town, Loveland and Doggistan.
The fact that Teddionia was not invited was taken as a diplomatic snub by the Teddionians, which was to have dire consequences later on. It later emerged that Grand Ayatolla Khomeini had mistakenly sent the invite to the Teddistanis, who could not reply in time due to the relatively slow speed of light in Teddistan.
The talks opened with a statement read by UN Secretary Joseph Stalin expressing the deep concern the world felt on hearing the reports of civilian mass killings. At this point the representative of Teddyland Ambassador McBuggles replied that Chairman Meow takes all reports of civilian mass killings very seriously and that he has already dispatched a force to hunt down the civilians responsible and kill them.
This response was met with a brief round of applause which turned into an awkward exclamation of shock. Ambassador McBuggles then attempted to clarify himself by saying:
“We shall slay our enemies in their thousands! Not one single woman or child will be left. Then never again will people say Teddyland is not a great nation! We shall do what America did to the native indians, we shall do what Russia did to its farmers and scientists, we shall do what Europe did to its Jews and do what China did to itself. We shall be one of you, ready to join the great pantheon of nations forged in blood.”
Afterwhich the parties went away for private talks.
Although later, the Ambassador issued a further clarification explaining that he was talking metaphorically the concern of the world only grew from McBuggles words. The matter was referred to the UN and as a result a very strongly worded resolution was written calling for the killing to stop somehow. The resolution was so strongly worded that it was reported in the New York Times that when he read it, Chairman Meow went and hid in a cupboard. The resolution was later revised and toned down.
Apart from the lack of any military activity, war seemed inevitable. The Prime Minister of Britain himself told his Foreign Minister to send one of his Junior Ministers to release a press statement calling for the bad stuff to maybe sometime kinda... blah. The minister immediately appointed an under secretary to order a review into the possibility of conducting a feasability study into the necessity of launching a consultation program, to maybe think about arranging some deadline, for the possiblity of raising awareness of the issues raised by the proposed replacement of the street lighting on Clapham Junction with energy efficient alternatives. Once the minister had done this, he immediately got to work on the press statement on the next working day after the Christmas break.
The results of the review into the possibility of conducting a feasability study into the necessity of launching a consultation program, to maybe think about arranging some deadline, for the possiblity of raising awareness of the issues raised by the proposed replacement of the street lighting on Clapham Junction with energy efficient alternative was to recommend the matter be further investigated.
The Night of Plastic Knives
So war looked as inevitable as ever, and the Bearshevik regime became increasingly nervous as news came that the British press statement was due to begin the process of being drafted any day. Chairman Meow began to fear rivalries from his subordinates particularly from the leader of the Shiny Nose Bunnybear Briggade, Hermann Ernst FluffyNuzzle. As the ethnic cleansing intensified in the regions, Chairman Meow believed that a similar stragegy should be employed in heartland city of Buzzle Top. To do this he needed to create an atmosphere of terror and susspicion that could be directed against his enemies.
To do this he accussed his one time ally FluffyNuzzle of plotting to throw a tea party and not invite him. This shocked the Bearshevik elite as the Bunnybear Briggade was thought to be essential to Chairman Meow as a means of intimidating his opponents. An orgy of street fighting and show trials was unleashed, and the army was called in to arrest and imprisson more than 50% of the Senior Bunnybears. By surviving this radical show of force Chairman Meow had proven that no one was expendable to him and that any dissent would be ruthlessly suppressed.
The gamble paid off, from the army Chairman Meow formed the Squeeky Hamsterbear Force, designed to be absolutely loyal to the Chairman, they enforced order on the street and made Meow's dictatorship absolute. These actions so shocked the world that the UN drafted a resolution calling for an immediate halt to the violence within a timeframe of 18 months.
Oil is Discovered in Teddyland. The Vile Dictator is Challenged Illegal drilling in Teddyland revealed the presence of ten billion barrels of oil beneath the habitats of the endangered Doggybears. The petroleum industry lobbied the US government to open up the land for exploitation one way or another. Due to the political and public outcry over the treatment of the ethnic minority bears by the Bearsheviks the US government declared swift and decisive action would be taken. After securing contracts for various companies who had no idea some of their profits were used to fund the election campaigns of certain unnamed officials. As a result of these concerns a meeting was called by the US president to discuss a rapid military solution to the crisis. The president called on all nations of the world to contribute their military might and financial resources to the liberation of Teddyland.
A multi-national force was quickly agreed upon with America (as usual) carrying the bulk of the worlds problems on its fucking shoulders! I mean taking on a primary role in the combat phase of a wide ranging and highly complex geo-political strategy involving dozens of nations. In fact the multi-national force had already been established previously by Poland. It was later revealed that though the American president was told about the meeting, he had forgotten was he was going to say before he got to the phone to respond.
Despite the redundant duplication of military force, the Allied armies were ready to begin their assault on Teddyland on October 18th 1998. The war began with six days of precision bombing; more than thirty percent of the allied forces were destroyed. After this setback General Kickass of the Multi-National forces decided to ask France if they could start the war. France said Non, which is French for Yes.
The allies destroyed many key targets over the next eight days by a combination of sea based medium range ballistic missiles and blindfolds. The blindfold tactics came into some critisism at the time. Former First Sea Lord Sir Birmingham Bottlecap said at the time:
“Aaaaaarrrrggggghhhhh!!! Fucking hell! They're just firing them blindly! We're hitting our own troops! I've never seen such carnage! It's a fucking disaster! What the fuck are these stupid fucking morons doing? We're sinking our own fleet!”
After two weeks General Kickass decided that due to the widespread damage that his tactics were doing to the immediate vicinity, it would be wise to deploy the troops near the enemy so that they would suffer damage as well.
Teddionia gets Involved
At this point the war entered a new phase, for the first time the Teddyland army started taking serious casualties. Major battles include the Battle of Button, the siege of Stitchingrad and the Battle of the Paddington. Chairman Meow waged a major propaganda war and rallied all the resources of Teddyland to resist. He blamed the invasion on the nefarious influence of those cursed Otters, and called for all true Teddybears to stand up and fight the capitalist murderers with their pernicious system of corrupt piggy banks!
The party organised huge displays of military prowers including parades of tanks and missiles. The allies accused the Teddybears of using cardboard tanks; and they were right, as was seen in the battle of El Beara where Teddyland forces launched a counter-attack using cardboard tanks and rocket launchers made from toilet roles.
The humiliating defeat of the allies at the battle of El Beara led the People's Council of Teddionia to decide to seek revenge for their own humiliation at not being invited to the Lollypop Conference. Over the first half of January, troops built up on the Teddyland/Teddionia border and on the 18th of January Teddionia invaded.
The UN immediately condemned the invasion calling for international pressure to be put on Teddionia. This had little effect, the People's army of Teddionia continued its encroachment into Teddyland territory, edging ever closer to the allied armies. The People's army was in general greeted as a liberation force due to their tendancy to fire only at the enemy rather than in every direction. The Teddionian invasion also benefitted from the lack of amphibious attacks, which had caused delays for the allies as they tried to figure out how to conduct a beach attack on landlocked Teddyland. The speed of the Teddionian advance also enabled them to exploit the attrocities done by the Bearsheviks for propaganda purposes. They also released videos of troops building schools and hospitals for the suffering people and distributing aid and supplies.
Under intense political pressure General Kickass agreed to adopt a less stupid tactical policy. He banned blindfolds from the theatre of war and ordered his troops to round up susspected war criminals. After spending two years in the Hague fighting an indictment for war crimes General Kickass and his senior staff returned to Teddyland to continue the conflict. The next nine months saw bitter fighting with both sides coming to a stalemate. A new president in America promised to negotiate a joint withdrawel from Teddyland with Teddionia as the political will to continue the war was draining from both countries.
End of the war
The war officially ended on 2nd October 2002, when the last of the allied ships was finally dragged back into the sea. General Kickass claimed that he was largely satisfied with the outcome of the conflict and that all major objectives had been more or less accomplished. He then went to continue his defence in the Hague.
Chairman Meow also declared victory despite the fact that his entire army was decimated. He was forced to accept a punitive peace agreement with the United Alliance of Love and Resistance: a confederation of resistance groups in the regions of Cuddlesberg, Baa-town, Loveland, Doggistan and London. The agreement enabled Chairman Meow to claim these regions as part of Teddyland but forbade him from deploying any war bears or having any political control over them. The UN also declared a no-fly zone over Teddyland, though this was never enforced as Teddyland flies are harmless.
Three months after the end of the war, a further round of talks were convened in which everybody had to say what they had learned from the conflict. Chairman Meow declared that he had learned that being tough is all very well, but having friends is more important. General Kickass said he learned that sometimes its better to tell the truth, than to always lie you way out of a problem. UN general secretary Joseph Stalin said he learned that even though he does not always think his parents are fair, he nevertheless knows they love him. Finally Sir Birmingham Bottlecap former first Sea Lord said he learned that although playing with matches may look fun, spending all summer in hospital with first degree burns is no way to rock out.