The Dubliners

LOOK AT US, WE'RE READY TO WORSHIP SATAN AND STEAL POTATOES!!!

The Dubliners (formed July 8th, 1860) is a group of geriatric terrorists, who occasionally indulged in singing evil, backwards, satanic-spells, also known as "Gaelic" music. They formed in 1860, when 4 year-old Ronnie Drew's voice broke, and his beard grew larger and greyer. After rebelling against the Black and Tans, stealing corn and potatoes and summoning devils, they decided to move their main focus to "music" as they call it, and have been touring ever since. The Dubliners band is also famed for having what is known as a "curse". Legend has it, that if you join the band at any age or stage of your career, you will die at the age of 70; and the curse has become true...

The Dubliners or the "Kerry Satan Singers" as they have became known as, are known for being notoriously drunk, rebellious, vulgar and bearded. According to "Old Bill" of Ireland he says:- "If ye ever approach Ol' Ronnie of Ireland, do so with great caution, because if not...oh...if not... y-you're beard will--NO, NO! I CAN'T HANDLE IT, MY EYES! MY EYES! WHAT A DREADFUL DAY TO HAVE EYES!" Clearly, they are to be approached with great caution.

History

Formation 1860–1900

Well, hello children--are you ready for a happy story of smiling, bearded, folk musicians who sing about Whiskey and Women? Yes? Well too bloody bad boys! Because instead...you are going to get a story of potatoes, deception, terrorism, Satan, corn, stout and murder...are you sitting comfortably? No? Well too bad, because I'm going to start anyway. 'Twas in the year of '60 (1860 that is, not the hippy/LSD '60s that your father remembers) and a great famine swept across the land, "No potatoes have we", "Corn we need", these were the words that swept across Ireland. At the same time, 4 year-old Ronnie Drew was dreaming of killing English policemen, and stealing potatoes in order to provide for his family. But legend of Ireland has it, that "if ye stealeth potatoes, ye shall have a curse and satanic spells shall be forced into thee", despite this curse, Ronnie did not care, and he dreamed of doing whatever he could to kill Constable Jones, and steal his potatoes. So, when he was 4 and a half, at approximately the same time his' voice' broke and his' beard' grew to 6 metres in length, he formed a villainous club...

So Ronnie teamed up with his school chums:- Luke Kelly, Barney "The Purple Dinosaur" McKenna, John "Father Christmas" Sheahan, and Ciaran Bourke. The all had the same idea--steal potatoes, kill the English, summon the devil, live and prosper. They thought of a name for themselves, "The Dubliners" Yes that was it. The Dubliners. A very rare news report from 1863 says this about the group of "little devils"--"At 9 upon the clock at night, upon my hand the 29th day of May, 1863, 4 fresh, ripe, Idaho potatoes were stolen from Lord Glistenback at Fleadh Manor yesterday. 5 young boys, roughly 7 years of age, were spotted by Lord Glistenback jumping over his fence. According to Lord Glistenback they had "grey beards, devilish eyes, and bags full of potatoes; oh the horror, the horror of it all." Any people who see any bearded 7 year-olds are to immediately report to us.""" From then on, The Dubliners became notorious and well-known, yet nobody could ever catch them. "They seem 'em here, they seek 'em there, but they all run off to Ronnie Drew's lair..." In 1870, the group of boys were spotted eating potatoes and singing satanic-chants over the burning body of an English policeman. Upon seeing this, a policeman ran to arrest and apprehend the youths, but he was too late--they had fled into the distance.

A Bit of A Change 1900–Present Day

The Ballet Dancers in Spain, 1901

Ronnie Drew, age 4, 1860, colourised

In 1900, the famine had long-ended, and all of the English-Policeman had fled from Ireland, and went to the Isle of Wight, so the Dubliners fancied a bit of a change. In 1901, they took dancing classes in Argentina under the names of "Los Bandidos Barbudos" (The Bearded Bandits) and formed a new Spanish-ballet group, they called themselves the "Ronnie Drew Ballet Group". But, due to their' size' and age, they had to immediately stop. So, in 1902, they returned to England (where they were relatively unknown), and decided to worship the devil and Satan through music, and thus "The Dubliners" became a band. At first, they wanted to become a rock group like "Motorhead", or an LSD/hippie style group like "The Beatles", but seen as those genres had not been invented yet--they became a folk band. They took a book of Satanic spells, and toured all of the folk-clubs of England performing such Satanic songs and summoning-rituals like:-Peggy Lettermore, The Sick Note, and The Juice of the Barley. But, they did not describe the songs as Satanic, they were merely in "Gaelic Irish", or were they??? Anyway, by 1927, the Dubliners had toured every single folk club in England, and they became known as "The Far Fam'd Auld Dubs."

The Curse of The Band

Remember what I told you about "The Curse" before? No? Well, you must have some debilitating type of memory-loss then. The Curse of the band is this:- "All members of the band, will look old, have a beard and die at 70, THIS IS THE CURSE!" And it worked, Ronnie Drew, Barney McKenna and all the others died at 70... Legend has it, that Ronnie Drew's voice was made by pouring gravel down his throat, drinking vodka, and then trying to sing whilst choking, and it was. There we are, that was the curse? Did you enjoy it? No? Well too bloody bad then.

Facts About The Dubliners

1. The "nonsense" lyrics and chorus of Whiskey in The Jar, are actually demon and Satanic summoning spells, as Ronnie Drew revealed in 1926.
2. There is no more facts.
3. There we are.
4. Now go and find something better to do.

The Dubliners Now In The Modern Day Times

The Dubliners has still been touring and making music ever since 1902. They still tour Germany due to the Satanic nature of the country, and legend has it that "every time a member of the Dubliners dies, they must be replaced by another bearded Irishman, who must have a passing resemblance to the previous member. If not...then another curse will come to the Dubliners!" The Dubliners now is fronted by a mad, geriatric, bearded Irishman, and it only has a slight resemblance to the great Satanic band that it once was 100 years ago. *BEWARE! We advise you not to listen to any music of the Dubliners, or the "Gaelic Irish" songs, as they can cause nausea, vomiting, screaming, confusing and in some cases...a transformation into Ronnie Drew himself.* Thank you for taking note of this announcement.

Photo Gallery

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  Ronnie Drew, aged 1 years old, 1857

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  Ronnie Drew, with a great friend of his, Shane "Get Pissed" Macgowan

See also

• Dublin

Mad Paddy Land