A Minecraft Movie

Minecraft in Real Life
The cast of the film. Shockingly, this isn't AI-generated
Starring	Jack Black Jason Momoa Other guys
Production company	Warner Bros.' hired guns
Distributed by	Lazy Bros.
Release date	April 4, 2025
Budget	$1 (aprox.)
Box office	$5000 Morbillion

“FLINT AND STEEL!”

~ Jack Black on A Minecraft Movie

A Minecraft Movie is a film about Minecraft. Based on an obscure indie game developed by flat Earthers, it has been filmed by an obscure studio. Despite supposedly being a film that nobody would care about, Jack Black joined production after a decade of development hell, and managed to provide a generous fund of $150 million.

Starring Jack Black and some other people, the story revolves around four people who are pulled through a portal into the Minecraft world, where they meet a middle-aged fat man named Jack Black Steve, who quickly reveals that he is, in fact, Steve.

Production

For some unknown reason, in 2014, Markus "Notch" Persson wanted to turn his indie game with bad graphics into a movie. By this time, Minecraft's popularity was already waning, and it is likely that Notch believed that a movie would be a good final nail in the coffin for the game. Alas, there was a major problem in Notch's plan: He had no fucking clue on how to make a movie. Nor did anyone who worked for him. Eventually, Minecraft was sold to Microsoft, and its popularity waned on its own to the point where nobody cared about it by 2017. Microsoft had lost interest in the movie, and were more interested in exploiting kids with microtransactions in order to turn a profit.

By 2019, people began to think that 2017 was a bit shitty, and also became nostalgic for the early 2010s. Suddenly, Minecraft was popular again. Of course, this created another opportunity for Microsoft to make money. Immediately, they announced that they were restarting work on the Minecraft movie, not as a joke, but instead to create absolute kino. The release date was planned for mid-2020.

But then, shit hit the fan. Said shit hitting the fan led to production stopping, if it had even started. Shockingly, Microsoft didn't fuck up and the wave of hype surrounding Minecraft didn't in die in 2019, but continued into 2020. There were actually good updates, and a surprising lack of microtransactions. The pandemic, however, lasted much longer than people thought, and Microsoft eventually returned to their usual activity of fucking up. Once again, after revealing that they were going to spy on people, adding more microtransactions, and making several small, shitty updates, people once again stopped caring.

By 2022, after Microsoft had thoroughly fucked everything up, they got back to work on the movie. They promised a release in a few months or a year, but the deadline passed with nothing happening since the producers had a budget of less than $100,000 and also no idea what they were doing. In early 2023, Jack Black offered $150 million to the producers in exchange for being able to play Steve. While the producers rejected, as accepting the offer meant that they couldn't use "we have no money" as an excuse for why no progress was being made and get paid for doing nothing, Microsoft quickly intervened and accepted the offer. But alas, although the budget issue was now solved, the producers still had no idea what they were doing. Despite Minecraft being the best-selling video game of all time, none of the producers had ever played it. In a reasonable world, Microsoft would've gotten some YouTuber to help with production, but, since there was a pretty large chance that said YouTuber would end up being a pedophile, this couldn't be done. Rather, Microsoft decided to drag the game's entire dev team in, further slowing down Minecraft's already abysmal update schedule.

Finally, after years of development hell, several mediocre trailers, and Warner Bros. sticking their head up their ass and filing a copyright takedown on everything related to Minecraft, the movie was released in April 2025.

Plot

A man named "Steve" (last name unknown, but he probably doesn't have one) goes through technobabble and technobabble in order to reach the overworld. The overworld was some empty place made of cubes with no infrastructure, but, considering that Steve was a coal miner, he didn't mind. As a child, he yearned for the mines. And there were plenty here. He yearns for the mines once again, builds some things, and is then taken to...

“ THE NETHER! ”

— Jack Black on The Nether

Where he is imprisoned by a pig. Named Malgosha. A pig named Malgosha who hates creativity. Steve's dog then hides some technobabble under his bed so Malgosha can't take it.

Immediately fast-forwarding to the 1980s, some guy known as "The Man" finds Steve's technobabble. This is not important now, but I promise it will be later. Two siblings, Henry and Natalie, then move into town, and meet a real estate agent named Sunrise. This real estate agent is also not important now, but I promise he will be later. Henry "accidentally" blows up a ton of stuff with a jetpack, but The Man accepts to hide him. Natalie and Sunrise soon come over, where they start to yearn for the mines. Somehow, they end up in the overworld, pissing off Malgosha.

After this, the four start an SMP, except it isn't an SMP since it's real life. Since Minecraft wouldn't be invented for another few decades, the four have no idea how to play, yet manage to survive. However, some technobabble is destroyed in the process. Steve was also released by Malgosha. Is she stupid? During the night, Steve reveals himself to the four...

“ I…am STEVE! ”

— Jack Black Steve on himself

Steve then takes them to a village and teaches them how to craft, before being attacked by Piglins. While Piglins do turn into zombie pigmen in the overworld, they remembered to wear moccasins, which protect them from zombification. Yes, this isn't a game mechanic, but Jack Black is an insider who is able to know about future updates. Nobody dies in the raid, but Natalie and Sunrise find Steve's dog. Malgosha responds to her defeat by sending out a slightly larger pig.

Steve then begins boasting about how he did some mining off camera, and has a large amount of diamonds, which The Man is allowed to see in exchange for returning some technobabble to Steve. Malgosha's pig then arrives, but is blown up by green penises. They also need to go to a mansion on a minecart to replace some technobabble. Unsurprisingly, the mansion's residents are unhappy by the intrusion, but Henry manages to steal some technobabble and can now teleport.

Oh, Malgosha came down and blew up a bridge. The Man is dead. The technobabble is lost.

An unknown amount of time passes, then Steve, Sunrise, Natalie, and the dog in a mushroom. wait...

Anyways, Malgosha stole some technobabble and opened up a gigantic portal, where a ton of pigs then rush into the overworld. The three and Steve figure out how to build fighting technobabble out of iron, and also make some weapons. Henry also teleports and prevents Malgosha from blocking out the sky, which kills her entire army. Why didn't he do this in the first place? Is he stupid? Malgosha died too, by the way. Turns out that The Man was alive, and they all escape back to the real world and it's all good.

Cast

• Jack Black as Bowser Steve
• Jason Momoa as Aquaman The Man
• Knife Guy as Henry
• Two separate actresses as the voice and physical actor of Alex as Alex (she's Alex, by the way.)
• No one, nobody and nothing as the Ender Dragon

Reception

Martin Scorsese's reaction to the film.

“ABSOLUTE KINO”

~ Dziga Vertov on A Minecraft Movie

A Minecraft Movie was reviewed by critics, who reviewed the film for its presence of a director, actors, and a storyline. In the end, it got a critic score of 195% on Rotten Tomatoes, and a user score of 239%. It was a box office success, being the second film to gross 1 Minecraftillion dollars (Morbius still grossed higher). In general, critics and audiences were blown away by the film's presence of directors, actors, and producers. While the critic score may seem higher than that of Morbius, Morbius's score actually had several percentage points deducted from it because Morb haters hacked Rotten Tomatoes. Even then, it is seen as one of the most sublime films of all time.

Criticism

While the film has been loved by nearly everyone, there were some people who criticized the film. As the opinions of these people are, quite frankly, ridiculous, they have been rightfully excluded from Wikipedia's article on the film. However, we at Uncyclopedia have made it our mission to report on everything, even shit nobody cares about. And so here goes a list of invalid complaints...

Unfaithfulness to the source material

Perhaps the biggest criticism of A Minecraft Movie is that it isn't very faithful to its source material. 90% of the technobabble within the film doesn't even exist in the game it's based on. What the people making this criticism fail to realize is that Jack Black is an insider. Updates are planned out years ahead of time. Frankly, they should be happy they're receiving a hint as to what further content in the game will be, instead of complaining about it.

Unrealistic character behavior

Perhaps the only reasonable critique of the film, characters in the film behave rather strangely. Four people being taken into the Minecraft world pretty much creates an SMP, however, unlike a regular SMP, there aren't 50 penises made out of dirt being built by the end of the first day. Some have tried to excuse this by saying that the players in question were more mature, but, even then, at least 1 penis should have been constructed. The most reasonable explanation is that the film occurred in the 1980s, and the players in question were Lithuanian. Up until recently, it was considered highly offensive to construct a penis among Lithuanians, as it was seen as a mockery of former Lithuanian president Sukis Penis, who invented the penis.