Sportsball

A statue of Alexander the Great, dedicated to the equally great Sportsball, with him holding up an Alexander Ball atop his noble steed.

Sportsball is effectively the culmination of all Sports into one Big Fucking Sport which has been played by sports enthusiasts for millennia. It is frequently cited as "The best sport of all time", "The sport of all time", or "The sport".

History

Origins

Sportsball was invented by Alexander the Great who stole every sport he came across and added it to his personal sport, which he called Alexanderball. However, there was confusion among his people as everyone assumed that, due to the name, only people named Alexander were allowed to play Alexanderball. To address this misunderstanding, Alexander renamed the sport to Sportsball, though since it was like 300 BCE they probably called it "𒊭𒅈𒋫𒀀𒁀𒀠𒂵𒈨𒁲𒀀𒇷𒍝𒀭𒁲𒂊𒂊𒅕" or something.

Modern Sportsball

Sportsball has undergone countless variations since Alexander's original version, with regional variations of the game being abundant and often reflecting the culture of the areas. For example, in the Irish version of Sportsball (called Spórtliathróidarmeisce) players are required to hold a pint of Guinness in their non-dominant hand for the duration of the game.

Rules

Alexanderball

The rules for the original version of Sportsball, Alexanderball, are as follows:

• The game is played in teams of 3 to 5 in a 20 by 20 metre square, with five tall pillars in the centre.
• Each player is given a stone ball roughly 20 centimetres in diameter, referred to as "Player Balls". One player on each team also starts with an extra stone ball, roughly 30 centimetres in diameter and painted yellow. These balls are referred to as the "Alexander Balls".
• Players can score points in one of three ways:
  • Hitting other players with a ball: touching an enemy player with a Player Ball awards 1 point to the team if the ball was used as a melee weapon, 3 points if it was thrown at the player as a projectile, awarding 5 bonus points if it was a headshot and awarding 15 bonus points if it kills the hit player. Alexander Balls work the same way but award twice as many points for each hit.
  • Hitting a pillar with a ball: Unlike hitting players, this method only awards points if the ball is thrown at a pillar from at least 5 metres away, with no points being given for melee hits. A circle of a 5 metre radius is drawn around the pillars to indicate where the balls should be thrown from. Hitting a pillar with a Player Ball awards 1 point, and hitting a pillar with an Alexander Ball awards 3 points. However, this play can be risky, as if you cause a pillar to fall or break then your team will lose 10 points and you will be eliminated from the game.
  • Throwing a ball on top of a pillar: The tops of the pillars are slightly concave, allowing a carefully thrown ball to balance on top of one. If you throw a Player Ball and get it to balance on top of a pillar, you get 2 points. If you get an Alexander ball to balance on top of a pillar, you earn 25 points, but you are also immediately eliminated.

• If you are hit by a Player Ball 5 times, or if you are hit with an Alexander ball twice, you are eliminated from the game. Catching a ball thrown to you can prevent a hit from being counted only if the ball does not touch any non-hand part of your body. Unlike Dodgeball, this will not count as hitting the player who threw the ball, only as a nullification of the hit.
• Similar to Dodgeball though, Balls (both Player and Alexander) are considered live and able to count as hitting enemy players as long as it hasn't touched a surface or player since the last holder of the ball threw it or if they are still holding on to it. Once it touches a surface or person after being thrown, it becomes team-neutral until someone picks it up again.
• Balls balanced on top of pillars can be knocked off by throwing another ball at it, or by climbing the pillar and getting it yourself. The second method is rarely used as it has historically had a 100% death rate from those who attempt it due to how easy of a target it makes the climber for getting pelted by Player/Alexander Balls.
• The game ends once all players of one team are dead/eliminated, or after both Alexander Balls are on top of pillars for 10 seconds without being knocked off, whichever comes first. The team with the most points wins. If there is a tie, the team with the largest average nostril diameter wins.
• If you hit a pillar with a ball and it ricochets off and hits a player as well, the points awarded from the combined totals of each hits is raised to the second power. For example, if you hit a pillar with a Player Ball and it then ricochets off and headshots an enemy player, you will earn 81 points, or 576 points if it kills the player.

Modern Sportsball

Modern Sportsball is similar to the original Alexanderball, but with several modifications, namely:

• The playing field was increased in size to 69 by 69 metres
• Teams can now include up to 100 players
• There are now hundreds of kinds of balls outlined in the rulebook, as opposed to the mere 2 balls of the original Alexanderball, with each ball having unique game properties and interactions. Players are randomly given one of these balls at the start of the game. New types of balls are released every month, requiring Sportsball players to both study the compendium that is the existing rulebook as well as keep up to date with Sportsball news. The variety of Balls and their interactions is where most of the complexity in Sportsball comes from.
• Only a few of the balls from the Sportsball catalogue of Balls are used in any given game, as there is only one ball per person. However, every game will have two Alexander balls, as one player on each team must have one.
• There are now many more elements in the playing field than the pillars, including climbable structures, trenches, landmines, burning tires, and a level 8 Gold Mine from Clash of Clans for some reason.
• Examples of the 500+ Sportsball balls and some of their properties include:
  • Foot Ball: A ball made out of feet. Game properties include gaining double points from headshots and the ability to attack the referee without repercussion, although you will be instantly eliminated if you are hit by a Hand Ball.
  • Basket Ball: A ball similar to the original Player Ball, but stored inside of a carefully woven basket. You can take the ball out and throw it like a standard Player Ball, but you can also catch incoming balls inside of the basket. The person who threw the ball you caught in the basket is then forced to eat whatever ball they threw. For this reason, if you know that the enemy team has a Basket Ball player, it is recommended to only attack them with balls like the Tomato Ball or Orange Ball.
  • Magic 8 Ball: This ball is identical to a Player Ball except for its unique ability: once per game, the ball is able to override a referee's ruling on something if the Magic 8 Ball agrees with the player holding it that the referee's ruling should be overruled. After the Magic 8 Ball has made its judgement, it will activate a small explosive charge inside of itself, destroying the dodecahedron of answers, so it cannot be used for decision-making again.
  • Bowling Ball: This ball doesn't lose its team affiliation upon touching a surface, only upon hitting someone. This means you can roll the ball into enemy players and hit them. Hitting a player holding a Bowling Pin Ball will let you whack them across the face with the Bowling Pin Ball as hard as you can.
  • Very Heavy Ball: a ball about 65 centimetres in diameter made out of pure tungsten. This ball, if thrown on top of a pillar, will instantly win you and your team not only the current game, but every game you ever play. This has only happened once after Dwayne Johnson was assigned the Very Heavy Ball in a 2009 Sportsball match.
  • Sledgehammer Ball: a 36 inch steel sledgehammer stolen from a Home Depot. This ball is not allowed to be thrown, but rewards 10 points for each successful melee hit. Throwing the Sledgehammer Ball will result in your immediate execution by the Snipereferee.
• Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the Snipereferee. You can't tell they're there, but they are watching your every move from a long distance away. If you break any of the thousands of Modern Sportsball rules, the Snipereferee will shoot you right away, usually in the leg or arm, unless you break an extra important rule such as not throwing the Sledgehammer Ball, in which case they'll aim for the head. What counts as an "extra important rule" is usually decided on the spot by the Snipereferee but the sledgehammer one is always counted as extra important.
• The Magic 8 Ball can resurrect someone who was killed by the Snipereferee if the Magic 8 Ball overrules a Snipereferee decision.

Regional Variations

There are a lot of regional variations of Sportsball based on the modern ruleset, but some of them are better than others.

North America

Canada

Canadian Sportsball fields are covered in maple syrup, and all players are required to apologize after scoring a point.

United States

American Sportsball is played with all of the balls replaced with various firearms.

Mexico

The existence of Mexican Sportsball is debated as current research shows all events categorized as "Sportsball" in Mexico are just fronts for either gang fights or taco fiestas.

South America

Brazil

Nobody's been able to play Brazilian Sportsball yet because they keep getting carjacked on their way to the event. The one time people were able to organize a match, they somehow got carjacked in the middle of the game.

Venezuela

Venezuelan Sportsball events are 100% of the time fronts for drug trading rings. Don't ask me how I know this.

Europe

France

Sportsball is not played in France because everyone there is a snob who thinks they're too good for it. They assure you they'd be very good at it indeed, but it's just too reminiscent of the common folk for them to partake in such an activity.

Netherlands

In Dutch Sportsball, players play the game while riding bicycles. The entire game also takes place inside of a windmill.

United Kingdom

British Sportsball is actually pretty good according to anecdotes but everyone usually gets bored within 10 minutes and they all get drunk together at the local pub. Also, whenever someone tries to write down the rules somewhere, the IRA just blows it up.

Ireland

Players are required to hold a pint of Guinness in their non-dominant hand for the duration of the match, and all balls are replaced with various kinds of potatoes.

Asia

China

In China, players' Sportsball performance is directly tied to their Social Credit Score.

Russia

IN SOVIET RUSSIA SPORTZBALL PLAYZ YOU!!!!!!!111!1 Russian Sportsball players are required to wear nothing but a speedo and an ushanka during the game.

India

People doing wheelies on motorcycles regularly drive through the arena in Indian Sportsball matches, offering to sell street food to the players.

Israel

Israeli Sportsball prevents players from throwing the balls too high into the air as it would trigger a response from the Iron Dome. Some bread and a moving body of water is also included in the field "just in case".

Africa

Uganda

Sportsball is only to be played between the Tiger Mafia and the Uganda People's Defence Force; civilians are not allowed to play Sportsball in Uganda.

The only change to the rules of the game is that VJ Emmie must be present and commentate over the match.

Australia

Nobody in Australia can play Sportsball because the balls keep falling off the Earth.

Antarctica

The only game of Antarctic Sportsball ever played was in 1963 when two bored scientists waiting for pizza to arrive stuck some tall icicles into the ground and made a few balls out of different kinds of snow and ice. The specific rules for each kind of ball are not well documented, but there were four kinds:

• Snowball: a standard snowball
• Iceball: a ball made of ice
• Icicle Ball: a sharp icicle used to stab and throw like a spear
• Unnamed Ball: a ball consisting of a small sample of Ice-Nine surrounded by snow.

The game ended after a scientist threw an Unnamed Ball and missed the other player completely, hitting a shipping container full of coffee beans, freezing it instantly and causing all the coffee beans inside to taste terrible. Thankfully, there was some backup storage of coffee beans at the station, but it was a very close call. Playing Sportsball in Antarctica is currently prohibited due to the extremely dangerous possibility of Antarctic researchers not having immediate access to high-quality coffee.