Nostrils
“If one did not have nostrils, one would not have reason; or raisins for there would be no grape.”
“Nothing really wakes me up in the morning like picking Norwegians to belly dance for me-- except for picking my nose while serenading myself over the beat of Dead Presidents”
“One of three differences between me and Terrell Black-Kwan-Kishan Paradise is that my nostrils are 3mm smaller than his. Unfortunately, that's the difference between being a micro neuro-surgeon and a trumpeter.”
Ahh, nostrils. The olfactory centers of our bodies, they provide the divine abilities of smelling, sniffing, snorting, and huffing kittens.
Benefits[edit | edit source]
As the epitome of human evolution, nostrils do well in providing places to hide nose hair, adding another characteristic to help define handsomeness or beauty, and separating us from the lesser beings such as the The Annoying Orange, The Dark Lord, as well as various legumes and maple leaves. Less useful attributes of nostrils include providing a filter for air supply, removing moisture upon exhaling, and providing a 2nd and 3rd route for oxygen into or out of your lungs. These secondary traits can be replaced by a combination of using ear plugs whenever crap love songs come on the radio (Suck a duck Alfred Hitchcock), spitting/snot rocketing, and plastic tubing.
Public appreciation[edit | edit source]
Also, according to 95% of obese Americans, nostrils are their 2nd most prized orifices. Unexpectedly, however, their most appreciated orifice was not the right ear hole, but rather their mouth. As a note, accepted nicknames that were used to describe the mouth include the "Spit Slinger", "Donut Devourer", "Sandwich Storer", and "Butthole". The study used the 1876 Oxford definition of Obesity.
Also, there are a many modern children who continue to show their appreciation for nostrils. Names like 'William the Conker' and ' Sarah Jessica Parker' show the continuing use of mentioning someone's nostrils as a form of abuse. And boy doesn't that hurt everytime. In the 1970s this was temporarily abated by the fashion to have flared nostrils to accompany flared trousers. However by the 1980s, possessing a pair of flared nostrils was considered the mark of a social leper and queues were formed outside plastic surgeons for urgent rhinoplasty. Real Rhinos were not best pleased and have been declining rapidly ever since.
Strategic uses throughout history[edit | edit source]
Nostrils are responsible for many architectural phenomena, dying quotes, and more recently are credited with channeling a bullshit sense: smell (Which is similar to taste but infected by BS). Possessing acute nostrils allowed Julius Caesar sniff out his inevitable demise during the Ides (15th) of March 44BC. This in turn allowed him to think of the phrase "guhh --Et tu Brute-- gurgle " so he could die with dignity after being gang-raped in the stomach by 60 Roman senators with a not-rusty dagger (Watching out for tetanus since 44BC :D) .
The building of Hadrian's Wall in Ancient Rome (122 AD) is often attributed to nostrils, as without them, Trajan, the emperor before Hadrian would not have been able to take a long last breath through the nostrils and name Hadrian the next emperor just before his death. No wonder the 'Roman Nose' became such a proud badge to be worn on the face, though putting a badge on your face is a bit masochistic in the circumstances.
In more recent news, nostrils have allowed us to associate unpleasant images such as an animal carcass on the side of the road, a sewage treatment plant's "secret room", a "Mexican surprise", or a bathroom at McDonalds with the extremely pleasant aromas of dead racoon, Feces, shit covered in chilies, opium, and hot sauce, or obesity covered in greasy shit. Their capacity to take in filter out foul smells has been diminished by the recent craze of nostril hair clipping, the on going struggle by the cosmetic military-industrial-pornographical complex to banish all human hair from the body except the head.