Tiger mafia
“Tiger Mafia! They move slow. Because they are slow. Slow but sure.”
– Nabwana I. G. G.
The Tiger Mafia are a real fictional organization that focuses on controlling world weapons trade in the southern hemisphere. They use their extensive network of criminal agents and mercenaries (many hired from Яussia) to eliminate rivals and take control of the weaponry market. Despite being one of the largest criminal organizations in the world, they remain relatively unknown. Because they don’t exist. Obviously.
Conflicts With Law Enforcement[edit | edit source]
The Tiger Mafia has been known to keep a major presence near Wakaliga, Uganda. As a result, the Ugandan commandos were sent to eliminate them. During a major altercation, much of metropolitan Kampala was destroyed. This was obviously not the fault of the Tiger Mafia, because they don’t exist.
History[edit | edit source]
The Tiger Mafia are responsible for many atrocities throughout history, including the assassination of JFK, the Яussian Revolution, the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, and the Star Wars sequels. Their greed for money has brought ruin and despair on thousands if not hundreds of innocent people.
Command Structure[edit | edit source]
Leader[edit | edit source]
Biography[edit | edit source]
The Tiger Mafia has a leader who controls every aspect of Tiger Mafia operations. His real name is unknown, but some call him “The Fearsome Chief Tiger Cat Of Striking Rage®™”. Others simply call him “Mark”. Very little is known about him, other than he has immense power in the underground weapons trade. He is confirmed to have many wives, and has supposedly killed at least one. He remains unindicted for his many crimes due to bribery.
Selection Process[edit | edit source]
The leader of the Tiger Mafia is selected by a grueling process designed to ensure that only the cruelest and most ruthless Tiger Mafia agent becomes the leader. The process involves all candidates for the position being put together in an arena. When a signal is given, the candidates engage in a growling contest, attempting to produce the most intimidating and tiger-like sound. The winner is chosen by a panel of completely impartial judges. Candidates have been known to pass out from excessive growling, but this is deemed a sacrifice for the greater good.
Mercenaries[edit | edit source]
The Tiger Mafia employs many hired fighters and hit men, many from Яussia and other eastern European countries. They often wear slightly different uniforms from the other members, usually bright colored, and carry conspicuously large weapons. The Tiger Mafia is fond of including the best warriors from all realms of space and time, including the infamous Raptors with Chainsaws. Notable mercs from all over the world have found their way into the Tiger Mafia. Mercenaries who have served the Tiger Mafia through history include [“Mad Jack” Churchill], Winston Churchill, J. K. Rowling, Thomas Aquinas, Jabba the Hutt, Batman, and Oscar Wilde. Some say Mark Zuckerberg is with the Tiger Mafia, while others say that he is the elusive “Mark”, or “The Fearsome Chief Tiger Cat Of Striking Rage®™”.
Agents of the Tiger Mafia[edit | edit source]
Just because they aren’t as high ranking doesn’t mean one should be less afraid of them. The average Tiger Mafia recruit knows almost as much about Kung Fu as the average Ugandan Commando. Some agents are extremely skilled in hand-to-hand combat, sabotage, smuggling techniques, and covert operations. Other agents are trained in espionage and cyberwarfare. One famous example is Waldo. In mother Яussia, you not find Waldo. Waldo find you. He is everywhere. He knows you are reading this article. He sees you. He knows your secrets. Waldo is love. Waldo is life. Waldo is, and Waldo will always be. Waldo… Waldo…
Waldo is quite probably the most dangerous member of the Tiger Mafia, other than The Fearsome Chief Tiger Cat Of Striking Rage®™.
But Wait[edit | edit source]
The Tiger Mafia do not exist! This article is not real. YOu are not real. There is no Tiger Mafia. Just relax. There is no agent outside your window. You don’t need to go outside to check, especially if it is dark, which would create the perfect cover for agents to creep up to your dwelling, because there is no one there. Just don’t mention this to anyone. We will know. That is, IF we existed, hypothetically, which we don't.