Rozen Maiden

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Desu Maiden
Rozen maiden.jpg
Da Termite-Infested soundtrack that is full of angry Lasallistas who want their doll back. Destroy it before it reaches the Ateneo!
Creator De la Salle University - Manila
Running time 88 centipedes
Genre Loli
Language(s) Japanese, Spanish, Portuguese (but only in the official version, which you'll never buy because you're a cheap bastard)
Country of Origin Either Wapan, DLSU or Hell, can't be arsed to look it up
Would Winston Churchill watch it? He ran to his bedroom with the DVD box set and a box of tissues. I don't think he's coming out any time soon.
Bouncywikilogo.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Rozen Maiden.

Desu Maiden is the Japanese animu remake of the popular Highlander TV series (or rather, it's a Power Rangers spinoff). The immortals with swords are replaced by 3ft tall Gothic Lolita dolls (and a starfighter known as Vic Viper and the Thunder Megazord) who fire flower petals at each other. The Watcher is a month named June and his quest to do something[1] is often the center of the show. June is a recluse and whines a lot; he spends his days locked in his bedroom, browsing the Internet until he was killed by the Vic Viper. His sister Nori, a lacrosse player, cares for him until he died) while their parents are overseas.

History[edit | edit source]

The Reason why the series started. Suigintou trapped him in the YouTube of doom. He gets back by devouring their souls - every time a Rozen Maiden is slain, her soul gets trapped in him for massive damage.

The six Rozen Maidens[2] were created in 1787 by Thomas Jefferson and James Madison to establish a government for the country and organize a democracy. The Bill of Rights was added later, by someone else, to restrict the powers of the government and guarantee rights to citizens.

No, wait, that's the Constitution. Let me start from the beginning.

The six Rozen Maidens[2] were created in 1787 by some creepy-ass guy named Rozen to kill each other for no real reason. The seventh one was added later, by another creepy-ass guy named Enju, to kill the six other Rozen Maidens.

Shit, you weren't supposed to know that until the last episode. Oh well.

Plot[edit | edit source]

The plot of Desu Maiden revolves around Stinku's quest to collect all the Rosaea Mysticae[3]

Season 1[edit | edit source]

The series starts when June, desperate for human contact, orders a blow-up doll on the Internet. But due to a bizarre postal error, he receives a different doll! It can talk, it drinks tea, and it's British</ref>! Insert some character development shit nobody cares about here, it's a Rozen Maiden and its name is Shinku. And it's engaged in a centuries-old deathmatch with its six sisters, all of whom can fly, grow to giant size and go into people's dreams and shit.

So Jun makes Shinku some tea, and a stuffed clown with throwing knives jumps through the fucking window. Jun and Shinku have a long conversation about shit nobody cares about, and she ends up killing it. But now Jun is her servant or some shit. Or maybe they're married. He's wearing a ring, I don't know. Sadly, June prematurely dies when the Vic Viper flew in through the window and blasted him in the core. Later on, it enslaves Shinku and off they go!

After another long conversation about shit nobody cares about, Shinku finds two of her doll sisters, Hina Ichigo and Suiseiseki. They all go into the attic to meet Suigintou, another doll sister with no torso who hates her life and wears all black. She also has wings that shoot feathers, and lives in the mirror[4].

A typical episode of Rozen Maiden: In this scene, Laplace and Enju (or rather Colonel Sanders and Ronald McDonald help Shinku. One reason why to boycott McDo and KFC and go GFCF.

At this point, the dolls do what any rational person would do if pursued by a crazy talking doll with wings - have tea and crumpets while watching cartoons and drawing on the floor with crayons. One of these cartoons involves a detective who just happens to be a dog puppet, on whom Shinku has a massive loin-crush. Then it turns out Suiseiseki has a twin sister, Souseiseki, whose eyes are the opposite colors. Souseiseki wears a cool hat and carries a big-ass pair of scissors.

Meanwhile, Suigintou beats up some crazy old guy, who thinks Souseiseki is his son. This is where I get tired and fall asleep for a couple episodes. When I wake up, Suiseiseki and Souseiseki are inside the crazy old guy's mind, and they're trying to water a tree. It doesn't work since the tree was copypasted from Plants vs Zombies.

Then Gin-and-tonic traps June's still animated corpse in a junkyard, where he has an emogasm and decides he's worthless. Luckily, the Power Rangers come in and save the day by slaying her twice (curiously, both times were performed using the Thunder Megazord and unlike other episodes, Suigintou couldn't be grown to giant size) and finally set Gin-and-tonic on fire so that Lord Zedd wont make her as big as the Earth.

Season 2[edit | edit source]

This season starts with the two gay lovers, Laplace and Enju. They have created an eighth doll, Barasuishou, to kill all the other dolls to obtain their Rosae Mysticae. Or have sex with them. I forget. As to why two gay lovers created a female doll is never revealed, but might be in the third season. Anyhow, it seems that the last two sisters of Shinku have awakened, so we all know what that means...

EVERYBODY WANTS SOME!!

Yes, even Suigintou wants some - which is why she teamed up with Barasuishou. So, she goes on a rampage and kills Hina, Kanaria(Did I mention the new one that no one cares about? No? Well no one cares anyway.), Sui, and Sou. I kinda zoned out at this point. It ends when Shinku defeats Barasuishou and they go watch that peanut-shaped dog on TV. At this time, the season ends.

Season 3[edit | edit source]

Released on December 22, 2006 and ended on December 23 (because the producers/artists/writers were too lazy to make more than 2 episodes and wanted a Tokusatsu adaptation instead). It features Suigintou as the main character. Her quest is to find out what happened to her stash of yakult and kill anybody who gets in her way. For some reason, Suigintou turned into a whining emo, yet it makes her even better in the eyes of the fans. Sadly, none of the dolls win - their souls were all devoured by Zordon and Angel Grove is safe... for now.

Characters[edit | edit source]

Little information can be given about the characters at this time due to the loose character development. However, we do know they are all extremely creepy, Bat Fuck Insane, and most of them are probably gay.

Dolls[edit | edit source]

Aww... Isn't she cute?.
HOLY FREAKING CRAP IT'S KIRAKISHOU!!!
  • Suigintou: Emo with no torso. Wings turn into Machine gun that shoots all the digits of pi. Gains her power from a dying girl.
  • Kanaria: Uses a violin to make people's ears hurt, pretty useless to the plot. Breaks into houses and wears enormous parachute knickers.
  • Suiseiseki: Obnoxious know-it-all with different-colored eyes who likes saying 'desu' and fights with a magical watering can.
  • Souseiseki: Ambiguously-gendered gardener, twin sister of Suey-section (Suiseiseki). Carries a big-ass pair of scissors and wears a cool hat.
  • Shinku: Bonnet-wearing British bitch. Obsessed with tea and Lemonade. Uses some kind of psychic shit to shoot rose petals at people.
  • Hina Ichigo: Mentally retarded vandal with a frilly pink dress and a bow in her hair. Likes strawberries.
  • Barasuishou: - A pirate that somehow found her way into the show. Kills practically all the girls. Was made by the two gay lovers. Lacks a right eye. Your right. Her left. No, not that one!
  • Kirakishou: HOLY CRAP IT'S KIRAFRIGGINKISHO RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! HURRY BEFORE SHE STEALS YOUR VIRGINITY!!! Absolutely batshit crazy, in Stinku's (Shinku's) own words "Her left eye sees everything but reflects nothing, and her right eye is an empty socket with a flower growing out of it." Which translated means "She can see you fapping, and her right eye is an empty socket with a flower growing out of it."
  • Barbie: Lives in a dream house with convertible VW, pool and working FM radio[5].

Humans[edit | edit source]

  • June: The main character. He spends his days on Google looking a pictures of cars. Yes, cars. Apparently having a sex doll as a best friend wasn't enough, he also needs to look at car pictures to get turned on. He was a Troll who had no life because he's a sad person. All he ever did was Trolling 24/7. Although once an emotionally unstable shut-in, his contact with Shinku changes him for the better, turning him into an emotionally unstable shut-in who plays with dolls and frequently has tea parties with them. He also claims to be the servant of a talking doll, but he is later prescribed medication to deal with this. Dies early due to being shot down by Vic Viper.
  • Nori: Jun's sister. Dreams of having sex with her little brother, among other people and objects. She plays lacrosse, a game intended to turn women into lesbians. It's quite successful.
  • Rei Ayanami: A giant naked albino 14 year old girl that, for whatever reason, keeps showing up in random animes. This one is no different. Owner of Princess Peach, until Peach went crazy, took Rei into the mirror world, and raped her with her strawberry plant power while screaming, "Who's the doll now, bitch? Huh? HUH!?"
  • Vic Viper: A space ship that flies from out of nowhere that when give the signal "Destroy the core" shoots the male lead to death
  • Power Rangers: Instead of the dolls growing, they get shrunken down and have to end the Alice Game by getting into the Thunder Megazord. Paid by Zordon to avenge his banishment in the tube.
  • Father: A man named Rozen. He thinks the perfect girl is 3 foot high and looks about 5. If this doesn't creep you out, consider the fact that he's a sex slave to his seven creations on his off-days.
  • Laplace: The gay lover of Enju. Secretly a Priest of the Temples of Syrinx. Also has the screechiest voice you'll ever hear from a guy.
  • Enju: The gay lover of Laplace. But he's got a scratchy voice, and that badass train, so it's all good.
  • Laplace's Demon: Wait... can I actually list this under humans? I can? Whatever. Anyway, Laplace's demon is a giant rabbit. So what? You wanna fight about it? Thought to be the precursor to the Playboy logo.

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. ↑ I don't know what, because I wasn't paying attention
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 Or at least I think that's what they're called. Then again, I'm getting all my information from the homeless guy down the street, so accuracy may be an issue.
  3. ↑ I probably spelled that wrong. I also don't give a damn.
  4. ↑ This is what happens when you try to make an anime after smoking several metric tons of cannabis.
  5. ↑ Some assembly required. Parts sold separately

Links[edit | edit source]

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