Romeo and Juliet

One kiss is all it took to grow some wings apparently

“Oh Shit”

~ Friar Lawrence, on finding out Romeo never got his letter.

Romeo & Juliet is an epic tale of two emo kids who whine a lot, get married in Vegas and then kill themselves. It is a work of literature considered the classic joint-suicide guide and the worst play ever written. It consists of a really long boring build up for 5 acts, that all leads up to an all too obvious ending that everyone and his grandma has known about since birth that really isn't all that interesting anyway.

Marlon Brando as Lord Capulet, the patriarch.

Plot Overview

Romeo and Juliet is considered (cough) to be the defining romantic tale. As such its main components are:

"Two Households, soon to lack all dignity In Fair Verona, where we lay our semen. From troubled teens to emo tendencies, We cyber trolls make Yuku Forums unclean. From forth the fatal teaching of one dead writer A pair of eye-cross'd losers... get a life!"

What really happened to Juliet

A Quick overview of what really happened to Juliet Note: Romeo is a sick pervert.

Juliet: *walking*

Romeo: *Bumps into Juliet 'purposely'* oh hey, Juliet!

Juliet: Hi!

Romeo: So I got this new place to go to, it's called the Uncyclopedia movement it's in this building and, we got some all cool stuff. You want to come?

Juliet: NO. It's torture in there, I've went there before.

Romeo: Oh. So hows it like?

Juliet: What?

Romeo: How does it look like in there...y'know, the Uncyclopedia movement building where is it at?

Juliet: I forgot where it was at and, I forgot how it was like in there.

Romeo: but, you just told me that you had a horrible experience in there.

Juliet: uuuuh-

Romeo: -Yeah, you see. I'd like for you to tell me the truth and, not lie to me next time your trying to give me an answer. *mean stare*

Romeo: So is there anywhere else you like to go like to go like maybe a coffee?

Juliet: No sorry, do you like Borris Johnson?.

Romeo: Yeah I love him .... Hey, why don't you come over to the field with me?

Juliet: Ok!

Tomorrow..

News anchor Yesterday police found a dead womens body evidence shows that the body identifies as Juliet.

Prologue

The play is set in a nuclear holocaust in Soviet Russia which Romeo later then bombed. He settled sail, in a nuclear submarine to try and find Hitler but instead he gets washed up in Thailand were he has lost his money to a cheap hooker by the name of Juliet. Romeo finds out that she has aids because of him. Juliet then goes home and gets an AK47 out of her stuffed cats anus and goes head-hunting. We then find out that Romeos family doesn't get along well since he is a Jewish Priest and his uncle is a Nazi Officer. This creates a problem which is solved by a magical substance called weed and the story continues thereafter in act 1.

Romeo's Nuclear Sub used to track down Hitler (In the Prologue).

Act I- A gatecrasher makes out with a 14-year old girl because he read 20 issues of Playboy and felt like making out with Rosaline, but he ends up getting the damn cracker girl! Romeo and Juliet whine.

Act II- An illegitimate wedding the next day presided by a pedophile priest. That priest's name is Slater from Dazed and Confused and smokes shit in Mount Vernon. He offers Romeo a joint, but Romeo likes smoking it in a bong better, while Romeo and Juliet still continue whines because of Romeos ascertainable small penis.

Act III- A drunken brawl ending up in a series of murders; before ending with a show trial by the Veronan police-state. A convicted murderer breaks and enters into a mansion to rape a 14-year old girl, completely stripping her of socks.

Act IV- Juliet is given near-lethal quantities of depressants by a priest. He makes her sleep and she is buried alive next to Adam Sessler, Morgan Webb, and Jamie Hyneman. Donald Fagen buries them out and cuts their hair with the help of General Escalus, who owns an Escalade.

Act V- Romeo breaks his restraining order; violating his parole to buy Grade 1 controlled substances from a local crack-dealer. Romeo kills Juliet's grieving fiancé; before pleasing his necrophilia ways, by sleeping with Juliet's dead body. The priest finishes off Juliet with a sword before she can testify to the state police. Before anyone arrives he rearranges the bodies to implicate she had enough strength to drive a 10-pound sword through herself while having a toxin blood-count enough to put down a small horse.

General Escalus wishing to cover the inadequacy of the cities police forces; distracts the press by a showy off-the-cuff speech implicating several prominent Veronan citizens.

Act VI- The characters all get up and a fake audience claps. They were in a play all along. Shakespeare is nominated for an Oscar despite mixed reviews but H.P Lovecraft picks up the Oscar for his work in Richard and Judy's- A true love story. With added demonic sea-spiders. The show-in-a-show format combined with a spiked barb at the then big-budget and unvaried play content of most play production at the time is considered by some as evidence of Romeo and Juliets status as the first post-modern sitcom.

Character List

• Romeo: Gatecrashing; drug taking; homosexual, loves little girls, necrophiliac and the first son of the 'Gambetti' crime family. If you think this somehow qualifies him as the most romantic male to grace the planet you are mentally ill. Originally, he was named 'Foxtrot', but, after several performances of the play, he was re-christened as Romeo. Similarly, the House Of Montague was originally called 'The House Of Fraser', but it, too, was changed.
• Juliet: A small girl. Is somewhat of a lesbian, except not really. Much to Romeo's delight, sleeps with several other girls.
• Lord Capulet: The dominating patriarch of the Capulet family. Thinks little of women due to his mothers spurn of his sexual overtures to her as a child.
• Lady Capulet: An old woman. Falls into the spell of dominating men due to a Freudian moment in her childhood were she was sexually attracted to her dad after he drunkenly lashed her with his belt.
• Jean Valjean: Cross-over character from the popular manga ‘’Van Helsing’’, inserted in an attempt to increase readership
• Tybalt: Son of Lord Capulet. Intends to kill his father and position himself as patriarch of the family in order to carry the sexual favors of his patriotic mother.
• Benvolio: Puncy little pacifist. Also known as Captain Obvious, he spends most of his time pointing out exactly what will happen in the play, and explaining (to the members of the audience that just went to the bathroom) exactly what has happened so far. He also likes long walks on the beach and being a tag-along.
• Gordon 'Skull-crusher' Gambetti- Father of Romeo and patriarch of the Gambettis. Thinks little of women due to his mothers spurn of his sexual overtures to her as a child.

Marlon Brando as Gordon Gambetti, the patriarch.

• Lady Gambetti- A old woman. Falls into the spell of dominating men due to a Freudian moment in her childhood were she was sexually attracted to her dad after he drunkenly lashed her with his belt.
• General Escalus- Grand dictator of Verona. Got the position by killing his father. The guilt of this manifests itself through his sexual relations with his mother.
• Mercutio- Romeo's friend. Intends to kill his father and position himself as patriarch of the family in order to curry the sexual favours of his mother.
• Friar Lawrence- A secret cynic; he relishes the crucifixion image of Jesus; and wishes he could be free from his conscriptive religious values. Grows and sells drugs for some reason.
• Nurse: Juliet's current wet-nurse, hired to supply Juliet with fresh milk throughout the play. Working class; as such has no noticeable personality details except her obsessive-compulsive eating. Probably results from a Freudian moment in her childhood were she was sexually attracted to her dad after he drunkenly lashed her with his belt.
• Balthasar- Free-styles his way out of poverty to become an acquaintance of Juliet. Only included due to the AWESOMAGE of his name.
• Prince 'Prince' Paris- Fiancé/Groomer of Juliet. Buys her from her father in exchange for control of the dock-side gambling casinos. Thinks little women are hot due to his mother's diminished size.
• Will Shakespeare- Writer seen in end scene. The dominating patriarch of the play. Thinks little of women due to a Freudian moment in his life were he was kicked in the balls by Blackadder.
• Barack Obama- Was not in this play. I thought you would just like to hear his name.
• Adolf hitler- the guy in the crowd

Who Is To Blame

Romeo because he is impulsive. He is immature. He is ugly. He is foolish and doesn't really know what love is.

Anonymous- It is Rosaline's fault that self-righteous B*tch

Anonymous- To hell with the friar take that him down

Anonymous- Damn that servant, can't read a lick, it is all his fauuuuult

Anonymous- Lord Capulet is to blame, he didn't have to have his stupid party

Anonymous--- Mr Hanks Because hes a gay prick making people read the damn play

Oscar Wilde--- Shakespeare for writing the blasted thing, you dont see 13 year olds writing essays about my literature do you!?

Anonymous--- It is Benvolio's fault, he should be more proactive!

Anonymous--- It's Beowulf's fault, even if he wasn't even in that story.

Anonymous-- It's all the emo's fault. Juliet is a dagger happy b*tch, and Romeo is a horny f***er who ends up getting 6 people, including himself, killed!

Fisher Price--- go eat shit fuckers

Jesus- My bad...

Jerry Garcia- If they would just sit down and smoke pot none of this would have happen so the blame is lack of THC...

Yoko Ono. Yes, she even got her ugly Japanese nose into Shakespeare's work. She broke up Romeo and Juliet, killed Tybalt, and after all this, committed a double murder by playing her song "Waiting for the D Train" on repeat to Romeo, and showing the cover of John Lennon's "Two Virgins" album to Juliet. Yoko now collects all of Romeo and Juliet's royalties and makes millions, like she does with a certain deceased Beatle.

Spoilers

They all die. The End.

“Wait wait wait wait wait. WHO dies?”

~ Captain Oblivious

Fun Facts

• Verona does live up to its image of a romantic city in one way. It has one of the highest AIDSs rates recorded in western civilization.
• In 1932 much controversy was caused when a film was made of the Baghdad cover of the staged play. Opponents argued that the play was thus a play in a play in a film; which is just plain stupid.
• 4 known convicted rapists have fashioned themselves as modern-day Romeos. One of them even kept to girls only named Juliet. Now that's dedication.
• Shakespeare courted controversy at the time of publication, as critics cited racism due to every villain in the movie being black and every hero being a white Aryan super-soldier. However, Shakespeare has in time rejected controversy as statistics now prove black people are up to 10 times as more likely to be good-for-nothing criminals.
• Alan Driscoll, lead singer of techno band thewomb, has written a rock opera based on the play, entitled Mr Bean (He Done Rape Juliet)

• Romeo and Juliet was actually a real description of Shakespeare's early life. At the tender age of 48 Shakespeare met and soon married his future partner Romeo, and in dedication, wrote the play. They had over 9000 children.
• Mantua, where Romeo is banished to, is only 16 miles away. It makes you wonder why he went so emo over it...
• Juliet plays a self-named other (Juliet Burke) in Lost as a way of reviving her dead career.
• It's fun to watch Romeo and co. kill each other though.
• A musical version of the play is being produced by Earl & co. under the title "Romeo and Juliet: The Musical Uncovered"
• Romeo was secretly a black ninja and Juliet was a famous pole dancer at local strip clubs.

Study Questions

• Should Romeo be brought up on statutory rape charges? Why or why not?
• Critique the ending based on the views of Dr Kevorkian. How would Nietzsche regard this?
• Discuss with a group how you would appropriate the play for a modern audience if Romeo was replaced by Chuck Norris. Would there be fewer rash decisions and more roundhouse kicks?
• Shakespeare wrote post Copernicus. Did he confuse Juliet as being the sun on purpose or was he simply an idiot?
• Rewrite the balcony scene under the assumption that Juliet and the nurse are lesbian lovers. How should Romeo rethink his suicide under these circumstances?
• What does it mean to "fetter your fine joints"? Was it possible to drag someone "on a hurtle thither" in Elizabethan times or is this an anachronism.
• This is rare example of a Shakespearian plot which did not involve a ghost. Did this detract from the plot? Did you even notice?
• How would the script have changed if the setting had been West Virginia? Would Romeo and Juliet have been cousins? Siblings?
• What would Jesus do? Discuss.
• Should Romeo give up heterosexual relations altogether and start dating one of his mates? Justify your answer. To make this simple, YES dating his mated would have caused both of them to live long and happy lives. just change the line in "romeo oh romeo where for art blah blah you get the picture" to Fellatio fellatio oh where art thou fellatio? Deny thy jelly and refuse thy doll and thou shall be but sworn thy hand then thou shall no longer need juliet".
• Should they make a video game out of this movie? Really, Killing people, explosions and fast cars. Sounds like the next GTA!
• Was Shakespeare really writing a story or was Juliet his alter ego? Discuss and sleep on it.
• Does the line "You're a saucy boy" represent Romeo's feelings towards Benvolio or Shakespeare simply having a moment of hilarity during his writing?
• Why does Romeo's father call his wife a "ho" in his infamous line in the first scene? What does this show about the role and treatment of women in this time period? Was she a ho? And why did he give his long sword to his wife in the first place? Does he need to keep his wife on a tighter leash? Discuss whether a bitch-slap is justified.
• Rewrite the ending if Paris had NOT indeed been a thriving lunatic but instead had been a zombie jedi? Discuss.

Further reading

• A biography of William Shakespeare
• HowTo:Date an Emo Girl
• Claire + Danes

  The Complete works of William Shakespeare