Red Panda

You are reading this article instead of dedicating your life to erradicating red pandas. You obviously are unaware of what Red Panda is. Read on.

Appearance

Red Panda is a mammal, slightly larger than a domestic dog (60 cm long). Red Panda has semi-retractile claws and and share characteristics with bears and raccoons. At first glance it may have an adorable raccoon-like appearance, but upon closer inspection, one will find that they are observing an entity of pure evil. Red Pandas are so freaking drama laden and tragic that they are the topic of many bad country music songs. Red Pandas acan hypnotize anyone with their jiggly jelly toes. They are compatible with big, mutant rabbits and together, unless stopped, will breed a terrifying cross-species mut that can both hop, eat carrots and rip off your face before you knew what happened.

Genetics

Red Panda is noted by many geneticists for having DNA that is 60% pure sorrow, as well as 60% pure trickery. This apparent statistical anomaly is generally attributed to the aforementioned Red Panda trickery, known to be more than 34 times trickier than even a gaggle of geese or a troupe of horny hayenas.

Nocturnal

Red Pandas are nocturnal. But are known for attacking humans on afternoon strolls whilst walking through parks. Many people have died by Red Panda attacks within the last three days. As many as 700,000 have been mauled to death and some even raped. Bring bazooka (belt of grenades if at all possible) for protection.

Prey

Red Panda has no prey, instead feeding solely on bamboo shoots. Bamboo shoots, while large, pose no significant threat, due to both their inability to move and their lack of any defensive reactions to stimuli.

Why should I fear Red Panda?

There are many reasons for people of all nationalities, races and religions to fear Red Panda. For the purpose of making this relevant to the greatest portion of my audience, however, I will describe the problems most pervasive in the life of "your average American cowboy businessman".

Ninja-ness

Red pandas have been known to use their poop since the reign of King Joo-Jow-Koo. Their most notorious ninja, Hooga-Hun, has turned yellow from eating too many banana muffins. He has been known to fly Pan‑Am, and uses zit cream to even out his skin tone. There is a $9999999999999999999999999 reward for him in China, Beijing and East Russia. Less notorious, but equally dangerous is Red Panda 050110, whose real name is unknown, most dangerous trick is unknown, favorite airline is unknown, and favorite brand of concealer is unknown.

Abortion

Many people know that there are upwards of 1.3 million abortions that occur in America each year. In response to this mass incidence of supposed murder, some feel the need to burn down abortion clinics where doctors perform such procedures. However, if these people had known the truth, they would have realized that they were far from their intended target. While there are 1.3 million abortions in your country per year, less than 3.2% of them happen in an abortion clinic. The vast majority occur because of Red Panda. When Red Panda sees a pregnant woman on the street, there is an 80% or greater chance that Red Panda will use "Red Panda baby murder gaze," firing deadly Red Panda radiation from its eyes into the belly of the pregnant woman, causing her uterus to spasm and firing the unborn fetus into the ground at speeds in excess of 200 meters (656 feet) per second. This atomizes the fetus instantly upon impact, and often ruining a perfectly good maternity dress. Remember to kill them babies.

Illegal Immigration

Illegal immigrants are seen to be a serious problem by some Americans, who feel that such people are contributing nothing to society and merely leeching off of society because they are lazy and never took the effort to educate themselves and secure a more comfortable living. This however, is true. Contrary to popular perception in Mexican, nearly all Mexican are mentally ill (fuckin' retarded), moochy, highly educated on selling illegal drugs and skilled in their training. Most live in dirty Mexican, where hats are amusingly large and Mexican food is so common it is referred to plainly as "food" which by the way is bullshit. However, once more, the insidious nature of Red Panda corrupts the paradise that humans have created for themselves. Every few weeks, a hoard of renegade Red Pandas will descend upon a Mexican border town in the middle of the night, their piercing screams ringing out through the night air like a foghorn of pure terror. The ear-splitting cry of Red Panda can instantly drive even the most emotionally stable, Dr. Philian of men to go completely mad with fear. The horde will then drive the Mexican from their home, and in this pursuit of all-consuming panic, the power of Red Panda causes the noble Mexican to forget their labour and language skills, and forget all but finding a way to escape. Finally, these poor souls come across a tall fence that extends for miles in both directions, and clamber over it to their escape, into Mexican, where they must find homes and lives as now poverty-stricken, unskilled workers with little to no understanding of the English language. While Red Panda can climb a fence, the horde will now depart, as their cunning goal has now been reached. Not only have they destroyed the livelihood of numerous Mexican, and doomed them to a life of discrimination and controversy, they have also dampened USA-Mexican relations, thus spreading more hatred and sorrow throughout the world than a mere slaughter of a border town ever could.

Same-sex marriage

Another touchy issue in the land of Americaland. Many in favour of the issue will argue that homosexuality is a natural occurrence, and that gay people have no choice in the matter. Others argue that the homos made their own decision and should therefore be prepared to face any consequences and sanctions handed out to them. In reality, the former is in fact the most correct answer. Homosexuality is not a choice made by the homosexual. However, it is a choice, but a choice made by Red Panda. And it is only natural in the sense that Red Panda is a natural phenomenon, and Red Panda is the cause of homosexuality. You see, in Red Panda's bag of tricks to thin out the human race, seduction is one of the baggiest tricks of all: seeking out humans of the same sex and exerting irresistible temptation, rousing in them a ravenous desire for homosexual delights and then burrowing away, leaving no other option but to seek out other humans upon whom to satisfy such desires. This occurrence may be relatively unknown in America, but is well known in Japanese pop culture, as evidenced by the recent Capcom video game Gay You Up with Homoerotic Red Panda Claw 2008.

War in Iraq

This remains one of the most controversial and divisive issues in America today. I must begin by saying yes, there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. However, the weapons were not harboured with Saddam Hussein's consent, nor are they the chemical or biological weapons so feared by the American media and public. No, the weapon of mass destruction hidden away in Iraq is Red Panda. In one of Red Panda's most clever and tricky ploys, it briefly established Iraq as the Red Panda base of operations, and alerted American security agencies to this fact. Red Panda then seized the entire middle eastern oil supply, and began a price gouging campaign, severely pushing up gas prices to foreign governments as well as at the pump. Yes, you understand me correctly, Red Panda is responsible for high gas prices. Now you may be asking yourself, why would Red Panda do this? It seems to be randomly executed with no elements that join together. However, when one looks into the future, the plan becomes clear. The plan of Red Panda is to lure all of the American military forces into other countries for long, drawn-out military conflicts, while at the same time choking the availability of gasoline. Eventually, America will have no military to defend themselves, and civilians will not be able to afford gasoline, bringing their vehicles to a standstill and leaving the entire population open for the imminent Red Panda onslaught, which will kill millions and enslave millions more. Red Panda's plot is clear: Domination of the United States, followed by the world, and potentially at a later date, the moon, sun, and other planets lying beyond the moon. A devious and deadly plan to be sure.

What can I do to stop Red Panda?

Now that you are aware and fully cognizant of Red Panda, the only logical recourse is to desire the destruction of Red Panda, and as an extension, any business that provides financial or agricultural assistance to Red Panda. Here are some facts and tips on fighting the good fight against Red Panda.

Science

Scientists have researched this issue for many months, and many Scientists have died in the search to find a way to destroy Red Panda. Unfortunately for these brave men, they may have died in vain, as the eventual conclusion was that it is physically impossible to destroy Red Panda with any tools currently available to Man, including but not limited to knives, hammers, cheese graters, particle accelerators, commemorative plates, and oatmeal.

Recent double-blind studies involve locking subjects in a room with a Big Mouth Billy Bass (with the trigger button taped down) for up to 36 hours, resulting twice in "melon‑bomb" head explosions in the opening seconds of hour 35. The torsos of each apparently survived, however, as the Scientists were violently perforated with thousands of projectile-hairs, shot from the subjects' perinea at transonic speeds.

Magic

Magicians have researched the topic of Red Panda and, while they agree that it is physically impossible to destroy it, it is most likely magically possible to defeat Red Panda. In fact, a team of top magicians succeeded in November 2005 using the laughter of children. However, this is not a feasible solution to the Red Panda problem, as it takes over 17 litres (4.5 gallons) of children's laughter to dispatch only one Red Panda. Further studies are underway using the laughter of smaller creatures such as bugs, and cuter creatures such as baby ducks, to determine whether laughter itself can be made more potent.

Reality

Sorry, there's actually nothing you can do to fight Red Panda ... unless you're into playing the harp or are already highly skilled at something like ancient Aztec sculpting. The best you can do is be aware, be alert, and inform others.