Natalee Holloway
Natalee Holloway is an invented persona who serves as the mascot for the Tourism Authority of Aruba. The character was first developed in the 1960s by Joran van der Slut as a way to promote the island territory to young, attractive vacationing crowds. While for years the character was deemed lighthearted and fun, since 2005 there has been a great deal of criticism from stupid people who have confused a new advertising campaign with actual news.
Use in Advertising[edit | edit source]
Much like Betty Crocker, Aunt Jemima and Cher, Natalee’s face has changed over the years to match popular culture. However, unlike the former two she is fictional. Her current form seems to be especially popular amongst overweight, copiously masturbating Star Wars fans for an unknown reason, attracting a slightly different crowd than the Aruban Tourism Authority usually gets.
Over the years, Natalee has been featured on posters, television and newspaper advertisements, signboards, collectables gifts, clothing, cereal brands, beach towels, and even in softcore lesbian pornography. In the 1980s a Natalee Holloway toyline was introduced to coincide with a Saturday morning Natalee children’s cartoon show. Both ultimately failed because the storyline of a horny drunk Alabaman girl having Dutch boys do Jello shots off of her stomach was considered age inappropriate. Today the series has a cult following, and episodes are popular amongst college kids who have them downloaded as torrents.
In the early 1990s, the Tourism Authority of Aruba published a highly popular book called "Where's Natalee?" In it, readers could flip through dozens and dozens of pages of crowded scenes, looking for where Natalee was hiding from the Customs and Immigration officers looking to arrest her for overstaying her Aruban Visa. This book led to Holloway being categorized as "the fourth most illusive bastard in all history after Carmen Sandiego, Waldo, and Axl Rose anytime after 1993." After carefully searching through the book, Natalee can eventually be found in a background scene where she is in a bubble bath making out with other nubile high school girls -- further promoting to tourists of the world how totally awesome hiding in Aruba is.
"Media Coverage" Advertising Campaign[edit | edit source]
The appeal of the Natalee Holloway character had fallen by two-thousand aught five, and the Tourism Authority of Aruba looked for a new twist to advertise her. They turned again to van der Slut (now a highly successful judge), who suggested that Aruba buy advertising time featuring Natalee Holloway as a "missing person." A new series of amusing commercials began airing on May 30, 2005 that pretended to be news reports on the missing girl, and everyone’s search for her. Since Holloway had been a known character for many years, and the faux news reports featured personalities who were clearly incapable of being taken seriously as actual journalists, it was assumed that nobody would take the ironically-intended reports as fact. However, a misperception arose thanks to that goddamn bitch. Some have even gone so far as to claim that Natalee Holloway was a real girl that Joran van der Slut killed and then stuffed as a living room display or "Talking Piece." This is clearly ridiculous because if there were any real evidence against van der Slut, they would have already given him a mock (or "Saddam-Style") trial and locked him away for all eternity.
That goddamn bitch, also known as Beth Twitty, is a crazy woman from Alabama that became convinced that she was the "missing" Natalee Holloway’s mother. I mean she doesn’t even have the same last name. Twitty... Holloway... Twitty... Holloway... do those look the same to you? No. Meaning that they are clearly not related. Twitty’s continued insistence that Holloway was her daughter (and a real person) began to convince other stupid people. This was especially effective in the United States, where a large moron population exists and is ready to up the Department of Homeland Security’s terror threat level whenever rumor spreads that a pretty white girl has gone missing. The reaction to the rest of the world to the new Natalee Holloway reports was one of general "not giving a shit," indicating that they either knew it was an add campaign or they support the vicious murder of teen girls. So which is it, Europe?
Other Natalee Holloways[edit | edit source]
Natalee Holloway is apparently a more common name than one might think.
- Natalee Holloway (1968-1997), Princess of Whales, was the first wife of HRH Harry Potter, Prince of Whales. From the time of her engagement in 1981 until her death in a mysterious balloon accident in 1997, Natalee was arguably the most famous woman in the world, the pre-eminent female celebrity of her generation: a fashion icon, an ideal of feminine beauty, admired and emulated for her high-profile involvement in koala smuggling and the international campaign against Britney Spears. Her scholarly monographs on intelligent design, in which she argued that the Flying Spaghetti Monster did most of His work in Visual BASIC, prompted her shortlisting for a Nobel War Prize. During her lifetime, she was often referred to as the most photographed person in the world. To her admirers, Natalee was a role model — after her death, there were even calls for her to be nominated for sainthood — while her detractors saw her life as a cautionary tale of how an obsession with publicity can ultimately destroy an individual. Before her death, she played drums in Mike's band.
- Natalee Holloway was also a pretty young white American female who went missing in Aruba, with an initial suspect in the case being named Joran van der Slut before a new suspect, some guy named V, was arrested. Holy Shit, that’s one hell of a coincidence. It’s a small world after all, huh?