My Kitchen Rules
 Pommies may not understand funny stuff, only humour. Canucks and Yanks may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing and she'll be right, mate! |
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My Kitchen Rules, or MKR, to those who can't be arsed typing the whole thing, is an Australian life-style program on the channel Seven network. The show encourages contestants to compete against each other to be the best cook, provided they have no experience in cooking in the first place. The show began in 2010 to compete with "Iron Maiden Chef"; a show from Japan where cooks from around the country, would gather and compete against each other in-front of a live audience made up of people whom could not give a shit about who wins, as long as they see the losers head placed inside an Iron Maiden, and chopped off to be used as a centrepiece to the judges table the following week. This show unfortunately could not be translated into an Australian version, as decapitation has been outlawed on television since 1993, so a toned down version was created where contestants with no cooking experience could compete in cook offs, and be told how shit they are by two faggots in suits who criticize every dish they are served. The judges give criticism to just about every dish, saying things like they would not feed this shit to a Jap' on Anzac day.[1] It's a damn shame that decapitation law was passed, seeing a couple of wankers [2] heads being chopped off and used as bowling balls would make a great night in's home viewing pleasure... especially on celebrity cook offs.... oh, the names we'd want to see!
How MKR works[edit | edit source]
The Teams are chosen[edit | edit source]
Two contestants are chosen from each state around Australia. These two contestants are often friends, partners, colleagues, or just two morons who met at Centrelink [3] and figured being on the show for 6 months would be a great work avoidance scheme. The qualified contestants must have no experience in preparing dishes, with the exception of making cheese on toast or bolognese, which any old dumb-cunt can prepare, even <insert name here>. Instead they must attempt to create dishes they have never cooked before, and prepare them in a 3 coarse meal, to serve to the judges, whom are both regular visitors to Vegemite Valley in anyone's eyes.
To clarify on that last line; Contestants chose to prepare a meal they have never attempted to cook before. It's not like the nights theme is something involving using this or that ingredients, it just means if your specialty is making Tender Chicken Kiev's, then your dish of the night should be attempting to make Fugu [4] for the first time eve in your life.
Entrée[edit | edit source]
The show first has contestants prepare an entrée. This must be a small dish that the contestants often mistakenly prepare as something you would probably serve as a main coarse. This mistake often calls for the judges to complain that it was too big, and it tasted like real food, not the rear ends of men that the two of them enjoy a succulent round of lip smacking, tongue-wrestling with. A good meal, according to these judges, should be made from a combination bombination of trying to blend flavors of Australia with whatever background you are from. Asian contestants will often try and blend a brand new dish, like combining a good ol' Four N Twenty meat pie, and add Frogs legs with Sweet & sour. This such dish, as made in 2011 by half Aussie, half Asian contestants Sweet Ching Wow and Pork Mi Sushi received bashful comments from the French judge about how the dish had the flavors of Australia and Asia mixed into a beautifully cooked to perfection meat base, but the Frogs legs was too much. The French judge then stood up and pissed in the bowl, demonstrating how you get a real authentic French taste in such a dish, and not just using Coles Home-brand[5] Chicken Stock.
Main Coarse[edit | edit source]
Now comes the part of the show where the teams have to make something that looks impressive enough to serve to a bunch of snobby arseholes who want nothing more then the best of the best of the best... which no real Aussie bloke would ever order at a restaurant, but you are guaranteed the dishes where shown how to prepare on the old ABC show, "Two Fat Ladies"[6] Dishes should be made from pigeon, pelican, platypus, or whatever endangered species meat can be found around the kitchen. The judges will not except anything normal like Chicken or Beef to be accepted as something someone would ever go into a restaurant and expect to see on the menu. It's just totally "bwhorhing", according to the French judge.
These two judges are always wearing nice suits, and present themselves well, however occasionally the French one does have a bit of semen dribbling off his bum-bluff when returning from commercial breaks. Which seem to occur more times every 60 seconds then Molly Meldrum[7] offering to push someones stool in at a pub. But because they think of themselves as being so upper-class, they expect every dish to be served for them in a very "well presented" manner. Meaning if you serve it to them in a tank top[8] and shorts, then forget it, you will lose points off your total score of the night. Everything to these poofs is about presentation. In episode 4 or season 2, one team from NSW prepared a fine crab dish in lemon and butter sauce with a side of steamed vegetables coated in a beautiful lite sugar coating, everyone watching who saw this dishes mouths where watering, but the French judge said, "Ouw dare yew serve dis crep to mi whyle wearing suckh vile foot-wear". This resulted in almost half of Australians male viewers turning off in disgust from the Judges comments about the popular K-Mart double pluggers[9]. The dish resulted in the French judge giving a score of 2, when it should have been a perfect 10... bastard.
Dessert[edit | edit source]
Dessert's must be as creamy and burst in the judges mouths as much as each others did during the last commercial break. So contestants will learn over time to just jerk off the dog into a bowl of honey and present it to the Judges in a Armani suit. The flavors must be rich, so best to use the semen from a prize winning poodle and not just jerk off the stray Kelpie outside the studio going through the garbage cans. The judges tend to favor desserts that are not too sweet, so forget seeing anyone try and whip up a Golden Gay Time and blend it with a Mars Bar to be served, nope, you have to add something unique and salty in taste, so you may as well just dip a dogs turd in batter and call it a "Fried Corn and Marabou Choc Roll". This dessert was the only time both Judges gave a perfect 10 to, with the French guy saying, "Et woz manificunt. Ey sank yew vewwy mutch, ey will sheet goowed tewmorrow".
Results[edit | edit source]
A score is given by the limp-wristed-tail-gunning-donughnut-punching judges at the end of the night to reveal who (contestants) is tonight's winner. The French bastard will often give scores of 8 to 10 for any coarse that has been served with Frogs legs, Champagne, or who he thought had the cutest tush of the night. If he does not like the dish, usually provided by a woman, then he will turn his nose up in the air and say it had "Noh FlayVER, and peese-wuk pwezintatION". The other judge will just criticize everything because he is just a whining bitch and gets off on telling people how shit he thinks they are, in hopes people will respect his opinion and think he knows what he is talking about, even tho no one has ever tasted what this cum-guzzler's cooking is like. His catch phrase seems to be, "Here it is" as he gropes his own penis. Of coarse, just before that is when the French guy has muttered out, "Ver is da sowce?".
Telly Scores[edit | edit source]
Each teams score is then tellied up and placed on a leader board. The two teams that are in the top two positions are safe, and get a week off from the show. The middle teams will compete again on next weeks show. The bottom two teams will go into a cook-off against each other, to find out whose dishes suck just that little bit less then the others. This gives them a chance to stay on and compete again next week with the others... but if they lose, they get to go home with their tails between their legs knowing they now have no chance of being seen again on the overplayed promotions from another Seven Network show called "Today Tonight".
Overall scores are never given to who prepared the best dish of the night, because, like we mentioned earlier, this is not about cooking, and it's not about skills, it's all about "pwezintayshon". The show could have Jesus Christ and Gandhi come out and present a famous flavorsome dish of an all-beef patty, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions all on a sesame seed bun. But if J.C and Mahatma wore a their trade mark gown and sandal's, forget it, the nights winner would go to Adolph Hitler and Saddam Husein because they dressed much nicer and where more well presented, even tho they served up deep fried onion rings they made from leftovers from circumcision... that and the fact the non French judge is a Nazi.
The Judges[edit | edit source]
Manure[edit | edit source]
So far we have referred to one of the Judges as "that French poof" but obviously that's not the name on his birth certificate. It's actually "That French Cocksucker"... no, not really, his real name is Manure. Seriously, we are not making it up anymore, ok, ok, ok, you got us, that's his STAGE name, ok! Manure is a character, and he is not really from France at all. His birth name is Barry Carlotta, and he's originally from Sydney's outer suburb of Kings Cross. Barry tried to make it as a professional extra in Neighbors (tv show), but was rejected and forced to work as one of those blokes who punch holes in doughnuts at Wendy's. This is, as far as we know, all the cooking expertise under Bazza's belt. In real life, he makes a mean pastry roll, and an excellent choc-mint milkshake, but as far a career at Wendy's can take you, he is quite the opposite of the character he plays on MKR, who supposedly knows how to cook every type food imaginable to perfection. Manure puts on the the French accent, tries the contestants food, then says his classic catch phrases such as; "Dehr iz gno flayVA, ey woold juse more boylled ballsak in de futyer", or something in a fucked up French accent about not wanking enough juice into the sauces, accompanied by non stop ramblings involving the word techzchers (textures), repeated as many times as possible in one sentence.
Manure's favorite dishes are anything, as long as the person serving it is well presented and the dish has enough sauce and Jesus-juice. The only time Manure has given a team the perfect score of ten was for a dish prepared from medicated-goats-piss-mouth-wash that someone accidentally spilled into a clam chowder whilst working on the main coating of the sauce... by that, we mean he was wanking into a bowl of custard. The dish was extremely pleasing to Manure, he said, "Ahrmayzing, iz jarst like mamma yewsed tew meke". Manure then said the recipe was so good that he would definitely serve it in his restaurant. However the MKR restaurant still has not added it to it's menu that has not been altered since 1993 when decapitated head bowl margaritas where no longer legally available.
The Other Gay Guy[edit | edit source]
The other judge fag we refer to is just simply known as, the other fag is just what we refer to him as. He is like the sidekick to Spiderman; no one knows his name, no one knows what he looks like, no one even knew Spiderman had a sidekick. We are absolutely clueless as to what his name is. It's possible it's mentioned on the show, but that would require us to have a need to watch a cooking show where only the stupid would watch it if you expect to learn how to prepare a decent meal. It may even be written on their website, but who the hell wants to waste their download limits checking out a site that leads to poles about how much you hate the teams so far? We just refuse to try and track this guys name down. Hell, you could threaten to show us nude pics of Magda Szubanski if we don't start trying to find his name, and it would result in us being scarred for life by the horror of seeing her unshaven snatch!, but for god sakes, we don't care what his name is either.
The show does not need this judge, but Manure refuses to do the show alone without a lite creamy meal in between commercial breaks that he can squeeze fresh for himself. In this case, for the time being, the fag-o-matic judge will remain seated on his fat-arse giving opinions on home cooked dinners that he didn't have to pay for. Evey Australian who hears this shit come out of his mouth reckon, if he doesn't like being handed a couple of free meals, then the fairy-queen-rectom-raider should go and make his own fucking supper.
This guy, whatever his name is, and don't get us started on that again, seems to enjoy Fish alot. His favorites are Rock Cod, Crabs and much like his own reputation, a Candiru [10]. But he absolutely hates Box Jelly Fish & Snappers.
Guest Judges[edit | edit source]
On occasion the prepared dishes will not just be tasted by the two main two judges. Sometimes they invite their upper-class poshey friends to lend a hand in taste testing, and give their opinions about the plate, that no one asked for. These friends are made up of a big fat bastard who, if he asked you why you didn't give him any of those delicious raisins anymore? And your reply was "because my rabbit died", the fat-fuck would still ask for the rabbits caucus as a lite snack between meals. We don't know what his name is either, but we did mange to find out that Spidermans sidekick was named "Arachnoid Boy".[11]
Two of the other judges are female. They have no sexual innuendo, and are most likely doughnut-bumpers themselves. It's obvious they are stuck up womens liberal rights activists, due to their distaste and reputation at any fruit or vegetables not chopped up enough to not resemble a male sexual organ. It's possible we do know the names of these women, but just don't care enough to print it.
Then there is Ben. We don't know anymore about him.
Audience Perception[edit | edit source]
Australian viewers of MKR watch this show to judge the contestants themselves based on personality and how much they hate a couple. In 2012 a team from Victoria where often described by the public as "those fuckin' wankers". This couple was eager to eliminate other contestants by sabotaging other teams desserts by switching the cups with Poodle semen with that of the sperm of Julian Clarey. Australian's just wont stand for this sort of shit, because eating pommy semen in a dessert is just bloody-un-Australian.
Australian home viewers of the show can also show their gullible side by downloading an app from Itunes and wasting their credit on voting for which of the teams dishes of the night, that you could not smell, taste, or touch, was the best. This is why MKR does not teach anyone watching any skills in actually preparing a dish, it instead turns into a popularity contest for which team you find to be the biggest arseholes and need to be booted from the show. No one cares if they can make a delicious meal made by McGyvering a tin of spam and pouring sprinkles on top, nope, it all comes down to "get rid of them wankers, I don't farkin' like 'em".
This just proved that "Iron Maiden Chef's" creators need to sue the shit out of the Seven Network for fucking up a great idea, and turning it into a ridicules version of Big Brother without the sex and turkey slapping.
Audience Participation[edit | edit source]
Audiences also like to add their two cents worth while watching the show. Comments such as "too much/not enough salt", "you over cooked the pelicans knob" or "you don't just fuck the poultry and pull out, you need the sperm inside it's bum for a proper stuffing" are often heard, even tho when you sit next to someone who says this, for example, your little sister, you can't help but come out with something along the lines of; "What the bloody hell do you know about cooking? The last time you made us dinner, it was a bowl of two minute noodles, that you managing to fucking burn".
Related Media[edit | edit source]
In 2011 Manure released an MKR cookbook entitled "10 easy steps to make elephants balls on toast when you have run out of bread". The book reached #3 on the Australian Best Sellers list. The book is available at all good ABC stores and in the cheapie bins at Sam's Warehouse.
Another book was released in Febuary of 2012; The winners of the 2011 MKR contest, Sweet Ching-Wow and Fuk-Wuk-Hong released their combinations of Australian and Asian food recipes in their own cooking book entitled "101 ways to wok your dog".
In 2013 MKR is set to release a DVD format of the show in 'best of' segments. You can expect to see such classics moments as "the top 10 best moments where someone opened a fridge and took out a lettuce" - Behind the scenes footage of Manure picking his nose before dipping his finger into soup for a taste test", "Top Ten best secret surprises moments when a surprise is announced, and it turns out to just be the team members fucking parents visiting to stand by the side and smile at how unbelievably boring this show is to watch and last but not least, who the top ten most undeserving cunts on the show where who managed to win by popularity over skill.
Rough translations for you Yanks and Pommies who don't understand good ole Aussie talk[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Anzac Day: An Australian holiday where we thank those who went and fought in the first and second world wars for us; but not the pricks who fought in Vietnam, The Gulf War, Iraq or Afghanistahn... nope, a public holdiay on Shane Warne's fuckin' birthday would be announced before paying respects to those who actually did something worthwhile for the country.
- ↑ Wank; an Australian and British term for a man who masturbates, or in the case of Pete and Manu, a MASTERbator.
- ↑ 'Centrelink is the Australian Welfare Office. They give money to those who can't work or don't want to work... in other words, the bums and Aboriginals hot spots.
- ↑ Fugu; A poisonous fish that if not prepared right as a meal, can be so toxic, it will kill you. It's only prepared by chefs who know what they are doing, or remember you from the last time you where at his restaurant and made fun of gooks.
- ↑ Coles;one of Australia's largest supermarkets. They are seen advertised during every commercial of this show, because they are the sponsors. Plus, no dumb cunt would use their home brands for anything, they are fucking revolting!
- ↑ The Two Fat Ladies was a British show about these two old fat sheilas who rode around on a motorbike with a side-cart going to upper-class houses and locations to prepare outrages foods that no one in their right mind would eat. Even BBW lovers would chop their dicks off if they ever cracked a fat over these two ugly cunts.
- ↑ Molly Meldrum;A famous Australian icon. And he's a poof.
- ↑ Tank Top A wife beater
- ↑ Double Pluggers are thongs purchased at K-Mart... and we mean Flip Flops, not G-Strings, you would look ridicules wearing flip flops up your arse.
- ↑ Candiru; a fish speculated to be attracted by the "odor" of urine
- ↑ ArachnodBoy; Spider-mans sidekick. He had the ability to jerk off into his hand, then throw it in someones face with his hand and fingers stretched out chanting "Spidery Web Attack".