Mr. Saturn

“Some love them, some hate them, but why the actual HELL do they eat "peanut butter cheese bars"? I have never heard of something that disgusting in my 12 years of existing!”

– Ness

Mr. Saturn
A "Mr. Saturn" experiencing a blank void-like purgatory after realizing he's stuck inside of an Uncyclopedia article.
Scientific classification
Kingdom	Nintendonia
Phylum	Obesus
Class	Globus
Order	Purgatorius
Family	Purgatoridae
Genus	Purgatus
Species	Purgatus saturnus

The Mr. Saturn (no relation to our sixth planet) scientifically known as a Obesus Globus Nintendous is a flightless, armless, ball of skin with a bow and a nose the size of Mount Fuji. This incredibly rare species belongs in the Kingdom of Nintendonia in the region of Saturn Valley. It exists solely to be sold in black markets known as plushie stores where they are traded off to the Jap with £29.99. It’s affection towards humans has been questioned on various occasions; which describe Mr. Saturn as a “humanoid Blobfish butthole” that comes from Earthbound.

Biology

Mr. Saturns are small creatures; mostly made of their enormous olfactory organ taking up approximately 99% of their body (the bow is the extra 1%) Mr. Saturn also has a bow on a string on their head which is often mistaken for an accessory when in reality, it's infused into their skull and serves the purpose of taking up space. It should be noted that Mr. Saturn lacks a mouth making him unable to breathe, eat, vocalise, or convey any other emotion besides existential dread.

Diet

Despite lacking a mouth, Mr. Saturns are commonly seen eating peanut butter cheese bars. A substance so volatile it would dissolve the human stomach from the inside. Peanut butter cheese bars as their primary source of nutrition is due to the fact no other species can consume the peanut butter cheese bars without expelling their breakfast. This isn’t a problem for Mr. Saturn since he lacks a mouth. Mr. Saturn consumes his hazardous bars by shoving it 5.3 meter signatures in their ass sending the foot into their stomach.

Bow

Although appearing as a shitty accessory, the bow is actually infused into Mr. Saturn's cranium. It acts as a placeholder taking up space for what would be a brain.

Behaviour and features

Obesus Globus have been described as "acting like 5-year-olds with rabies" and "highly aggressive to those who fail to show affection". Their rubbery skin structure enables them to be proficient in bouncing and surviving being kicked by humans. The rubbery skin has been extremely attractive to factory owners as a replacement for rubber but was not seriously considered due to poor reproduction rates.

Merchandise

The plush of Mr. Fat Big-nosed Saturn

He got skinned, and turned in to a 300$ costume, god

These little craps are in every single atom of Mother branding, you just can't escape the nose thingy. Also: they are cash cows, have you ever tried looking up Earthbound and not seeing Mr. Saturn within 3 pages?

For some reason they had a giant Mr. Saturn costume. Apparently since these things are so popular, they got their own Halloween costume for cornballs and cornbread to dress up as.

List of Merchandise

• What Mr. Saturn heard in '95
  Happy Meals
• Lead-paint cups
• Hot Wheels
• Cold Wheels
• Overpriced Funko Pops
• Soap
• Halloween Costumes
• Branded Nose-picking tutorials

Mr. Saturn shipping incidents

In Russia, Saturn is Soviet!

Mr. Saturns find themselves typically in the farms of Japan to be sold off to Nintendo. However, some of them end up being sent to places they typically aren’t meant to be sent to, primarily due to Nintendo deciding to trust shipping companies such as "The worst ships known to mankind". The incorrect shipping places range from South Korea to Argentina’s hidden missile silos. One of them end up in one was unlucky enough to stumble upon the Soviet Union at its peak in the 1990's. Somehow Mr. Soviet (renamed from Mr. Saturn) even met Joseph Stalin! He was incredibly lucky to have survived under Communist Rule, although the Mr. Soviet species only really survived off of potatoes and Vodka.

They wouldn't have been doing well in Capitalist rule either. Otherwise, they'd have to pay x^2+5x+6 dollars just to solve a minor injury, or be forced to deal with the concept of having to use the Imperial system.

Things Mr. Saturn is in (outside of the Mother series)

What the hell is going on

Mr. Saturn is a surprisingly common Easter egg back in the late 90s and early 2000s. Primarily due to a sneaky tactic for first person shooters in the 1990s to sneak past regulations by inserting a Mr. Saturn as an enemy that can easily be one-shotted. He is in Doom. Mr Saturn is also in other shooter games form the 90’s, such as: Quake, Nuke Dukem, Fallout: New Vegas, and Quaker 2: Part of a balanced breakfast!

Due to this, many games today still include a Mr. Saturn as a way to pay homage to these kinds of games, because if they don’t, Nintendo will send their rabid fans after them and result in the game being review bombed to the point of it going the way of DJ Hero 3: Psytrance Vs Predator, a game from 2015 that flopped because of accidentally calling a Mr. Saturn a: “Ms. Saturn”, resulting in several recalls due to the game reportedly crashing upon a Mr. Saturn being loaded in.

Also, they appear in:

• Super Smash Bros.
• Super Smash Bros. 2
• Super Smash Bros. Brawl
• Super Smash Bros. Waffle House
• Canadian DnD
• Super Smash Bros. 6

Mr. Saturn in Politics

Mr. Saturn has been included in several political posts, mainly due to conflicts over whether or not there’s a Mrs. Saturn, with The Left, The Right, The Up, and The Down all arguing for or against this. We have kidnapped— convinced a Mr. Saturn to write his experience under being in several political posts.

“ ”

– Mr. Saturn, 2026 Uncyclopedia

Uncyclopedia "politely" Interrogating Mr. Saturn

We were unable to translate interpretive dance into text, so we had to resort to using intimidation tactics to do so, such as showing a Mr. Saturn a Mr. Venus. This seemingly angered the Mr. Saturn enough that he slapped the Reporter with his nose, and bursted out of the door by slamming his nose in. Currently, our most loyal reporters are still trying to catch said Mr. Saturn, and are offering people a 12-cent reward for finding it, dead or alive.

ːD

Crime life

he did not allow us to add this one so, eh,

A little part of the interrogation when he escaped

Mr. Saturn's and being overly vulnerable

The Mr. Saturn is a Species with no Arms no Mouth and maybe missing a little bit of Spine, now this causes them to be a perfect target as hostage, this is a War crime kids! And after being taken hostage, forced to do a repetitive thing for a repetitive amount of time, now this would make no sense because, they, well, lack any Muscle, now the first case was when Master belch did that blah blah blah, but, more interestingly: Pepsi-Man, He took a couple of Mr. Saturn's and forced them to work, I mean, at the very least they got 2 Half-cents per week, but eventually Coca-Cola Man felt a disturbance in the air, and saved Mr. Saturn, now afterwards, instead of giving him any sort of supplies, ya know, Food, Coca-Cola Man just made Mr. Saturn label every Coke bottle for 45 hours, (at a pay of a nickel per month) and, Mr. Saturn realized (by connecting his 2 neurons) and he decided to walk out the window and leave, after he left, his red bow was misinterpreted as a missile guider and Mr. Saturn dodged the missile by a millimeter and- the coke factory turned to dust, and Mr. Saturn burned the ashes with Gasoline to rinse the evidence, to bad we all know what he did. After that, Mr. Saturn went home and had a family, and of course 7-Up wanted to join in, but Mr. Saturn threw Mr potato head at his head, and they kinda just thought the Mr potato head was him, and they accidentally put Mr potato head in acid, and after that no one cared or bothered to waste there time seeking this creature, and nothing interesting happens afterwards, accept Sony sending Naval mines and attaching them to a Nirvana (band) CD, unsurprisingly the Mr. Saturn's didn't care. and that is pretty much all included in his history with Greedy idiots trying to take the most innocent and "smart" things alive.

dates of those events

master belch	1993	-	1995
Pepsi	1996	-	1998
coke	1999	-	1999
Sony	2000	-	2000