J. R. R. Tolkien: A Biography
J. R. R. Tolkien: A Biography, written by Humphrey Carpenter, was first published in 1977. It is called the "authorized biography" of J. R. R. Tolkien, creator of The Lord of the Ring Finger and many other works. It was first published in London by George Allen & Unwin, then published in the United States by Houghton Mifflin Company. It has been reprinted many times since.
Introduction[edit | edit source]
J.R.R. Tolkien was a widely renowned writer known for his immense books that nobody would read except college students who were forced to. The large numbers of enslaved readers led to insane occult members that only had survived the reading by painting elven symbols on their faces and speaking to the trees. His full name, Jimmy Robert Robinson Tolkien VI, is not very well known, but was the name that coined the phrase, "Jimmy fell down the well again."
Early life[edit | edit source]
In the year 9,447,671,530 BC, Jimmy Tolkien VI was born in England to an illegally imported giraffe from France who was named Bessie. Because of his unusual upbringing, J.R.R. Tolkien thought that he was an animal and, when he was old enough, began to live on his own in the wild. Jimmy never liked to try to eat leaves, as he was about 5 feet tall and couldn't reach the tastiest ones on hands and knees. After a few years, he discovered rural civilization and farms. When he saw the small plants with easy-to-reach leaves, historians say, he was thrilled. Farmers began complaining of their crops disappearing and the government was soon involved in trying to catch him. After an unfortunate misadventure involving a hay-baler and some coconuts, Jim was found trapped in a nuclear reactor.
Jimmy was sent to court and was only freed of all charges when a woman named Barbara Anne (1867- late 1980s) stood up in the crowd, and -using a fake DNA test- said that she was his mother and that he was going to receive a "huge whooping" when he got home. The jury voted and 9 out of 10 doctors agreed to let him go, as Barbara was going to "fix the boy" herself, whether the judge punished him first or not.
Jimmy was brought home with Barbara and was taught to be a normal human. All traces of him for the next 30 years disappeared.
Later years[edit | edit source]
Jimmy Tolkien VI appeared on historians' radars 30 years later, when he had an unfortunate mishap with an overweight midget who stole his ring finger from his right hand.
When he went to court about it, he was asked to write an account of exactly what happened, and he did so in very little detail, sending it to the wrong mailing address. The person whom he sent it to was, in fact, an old book editor named Galileo. Galileo wrote him back, saying, "Very poor work, please fictionise it a little more."
Tolkien VI, taking it to be a letter from his lawyer, did so. The following mess of ink, paper, and dark matter that followed was titled The Lord of the Ring Finger.
The Lord of the Ring Finger[edit | edit source]
When J.R.R. Tolkien's first work of evil was published, nobody read it. In fact, it became 'one of those books'. You know what kind of book I mean. That kind.
Finally, Galileo was assassinated by John F. Kennedy, and replaced by a new, younger assistant who wanted to renew the publishing company. He started by stealing J.R.R.'s ideas and rewriting the entire title, replacing it with The Lord of the Rings. After a brief but fierce court dispute, the new CEO was forced to put Jimmy's name on the front cover.
Bibliography[edit | edit source]
Jimmy is known for writing:
- The Lord of the Ring Finger
- 1954 The Fellowship of the Ring Finger: being the first volume of The Lord of the Ring Finger.
- 1954 The Four Flowers: being the second volume of The Lord of the Rings, renamed The Two Towers because nobody wanted to read about flowers but this one five-year-old girl who fell asleep reading the first sentence.
- 1955 The Return of the King: being the third volume of The Lord of the Rings, and his first major title that didn't need the name changed.
- 1968 Hairy Plumber: this was later renamed Harry Potter, but the text was kept virtually the same. He wrote this after he had had a large amount of ink poisoning, so he misspelled his name as 'J.K. Rowling'.
- 1972 Fat Rabbits and How to Kill Them Silently: this book is under question about whether or not he actually wrote it.