HowTo:Kill by Drowning

With hard work and determination, this grand fellow could be you.

Drowning is death from suffocation (asphyxia) caused by a liquid entering the lungs. If you are a high school dropout, this simply means you breathed what you were trying to drink. If you are reading this, then you fall under the next category. Trust me, you do!

Near drowning is the survival of a drowning event. Don't get too excited; this probably means that you are a failure. Go drown yourself. Confused? Well, we are here to help, as always. On the bright side, a small percentage of near-drowning victims still die of complications. How do you feel? Have a glass of water. Relax. Hey, drink the glass of water. No one likes an over-achiever.

Choices

There are many exciting choices to choose from on the subject of drowning. Don't despair; we will cover them all – though most of our focus will be on the Solitary Practitioner of Aquatic Euthanasia. Just read that last sentence again; it has a regal sound to it, doesn't it? Once again, I would like to applaud your choice of liquid sacrifice. I mean those guys at the Burning Alive help page are so uppity. They are so full of shit themselves, and don't get me started on the falling-from-a-building people.

Back to the subject at hand, you are truly among the elite crowd. Take a moment to pat yourself on the back. No longer will they say you never finished anything. I'm getting this out of the way now, because I am so sure of the methodology behind drowning, that it may be my last chance.

Yourself

Finding the perfect ballast is the key to success.

Good choice. Wait, are you just reading this for the novelty? (You are at the wrong page!) Now that that's out of the way, first we will need to find a place to drown. A public place is not a good choice. I mean, you could traumatize young children, the elderly, or scare other followers away from drowning altogether. (Then those bastards at "How to Burn Yourself Alive" will get another one.)

A good choice is your bathtub. This can be done with a couple inches of water, which is also good for the environment (less waste). No, not on your back! The water doesn't even reach your ears. Flip over. That's better. Now just relax and wait for angels to swoop down and carry away your soul to a better ... hey, why are you holding your breath? That's cheating! Okay, let's try something else. Something a little less self-reliant. For this step, we will have to go proactive. Get a pair of pants with lots of pockets. Yes, those carpenter pants will do. Now, fill the pockets with heavy things. Gold or lead would be perfect. What? You don't have gold or lead readily available? Well, you could always consult the HowTo:Get things for free page to procure these items. In the event you found the article to be too long, just use rocks.

Now, I know what you are thinking: we are back to the public area thing. Yes, we are. Don't blame me! You were the asshole who couldn't even drown yourself in the tub. Let's be real, here: statistics say a toddler can do it without even putting forth effort. Look at the planning this entails. You are definitely not smarter than a toddler. Never fear! I can adjust for this. Contingencies have been made for just such a person. Now back to the rocks. Pockets nice and full? Try to run. Now, jump up and down. Still able to jump? Try stuffing your underwear with rocks, too. Wow, you had more room in there than you should have. A Ken doll fills out his underwear better. Now I see why you searched for this page.

We now will have to find a nice sized body of water to drown in. Not the public park (remember the children). Try a reservoir, populated only by fisherman who drink way too much. Besides this rare breed of redneck asshole will be to busy watching the fish they aren't catching and splashing around to notice your pants-less corpse floating by. What you will do now is simple. Just walk out into the water as far as you can before you lose consciousness. Holding your breath is okay here because it will let you go farther. Below is a partial list of previous record drowning attempts.

• In 1941 writer Virginia Woolf managed to walk under water for nearly 45 yards.
• In 1989 out-of-work janitor Benjamin Wilson II ran under water for 48.5 yards.
• In 1715 Baptist minister Billy Joe Manning staggered blindly for 122 yards in a flooded cornfield.

You can do better!

Competitive

The Competitive Drowning Circuit was established soon after the fall of the Roman Empire, by angry mobs of people who no longer had a good source of entertainment. Early accounts of initial drownings were accidental at best. It took many years for the sport to get beyond its crude beginnings to a true sport.

The early governing body ruled that all competitive drownings were to be held in accordance to a strict body of guidelines. It requires a high level of commitment and determination – the greatest drowners compete only once, typically right after practice. Though the format for events is simple, many still fail to qualify for the big prizes. If you have what it takes please refer to the competitive drowning circuit page.

Quit fighting! I'm trying to help you.

Someone else

This is a highly debated subject. There are many trains of thought on drowning others. First off you have to decide who you will drown, and the circumstances surrounding the event. Your motivation on this event could be honorable. Grandma is really sick, and you are numero uno on the will. Or you want to get back at an ex-lover (a great way to quit stalking her by the way). I mean, that's what she really wants an end to the constant harassment. Hook her up, you love her that much.

Helping

It is your civic duty to help those in need. Those poor, lonely souls trying to snuff themselves. The easiest way to go about this is to volunteer at a local suicide hotline. They don't pay you, so they don't screen who they hire and you're in a perfect position to help the masses. There is your first call, go ahead ... answer it. Aw, that is so sad she just broke up with her boyfriend and she said she would rather die than go without sex. Okay lets give her a pass, get her number. Tell her to hang in there you are her for her. Okay, next caller. This is a good one, this guy is a loser. He is a noob on a wiki site, the other users are picking on him for having a total lack of humor. Ask him to tell you a joke. That was not too bad. Read his wiki. Oh yeah, there is no hope. This is our guy. Get his address tell him you're there to help. Now go bang the nympho chick. You can do it, I have faith in you. Damn – she is cute; remember I'm here for you if you need to take a break. Yes I am that committed to your well-being. Okay, now off to the noobs house. Button your pants, tuck in your shirt. You are a professional! Tell him to run bath water. Extra hot! It's just for shock value; besides the look on his face will be fucking funny as hell. Now tell him to jump in. Clothes on, this is not a sausage-fest. See, I told you the look on his face would be priceless. Now put your foot on his head. It may appear as if he has decided to live, this is not the case. My studies on the matter have shown that death is almost instantaneous (like the witch in The Wizard of Oz only without the shrinkage). Those spasms are just the brain adjusting to death, like a computer shutting down. Installing update 1 of 38. There, he's dead. Wipe of any residual fingerprints and leave. You are now a saint in your own mind.

Just plain killing

Now it's your turn to shine. Whether you just skipped the rest of the article or you graduated from animal snuffing, this is your section so let us begin. We will have to decide your motivation here as it is very important. If your victim is a random stranger, stick with a large body of water and the cement block anchor approach. This is a time-tested method used by most Mafia families. But for some reason you have that look of a jilted lover. She really hurt you didn't she? Took your heart and threw it away, totally dismantled the natural order of you own little world. All this just by returning those love notes you posted on her Facebook page. What a whore, probably screwing some "cool guy" right now. She has to die. I would say first find out where she lives, but since you in her bedroom using her computer; you already know. Is that her car pulling into the drive? Good. This will work out just fine. Go hide in her closet. Hey! Quit smelling her underwear, pervert! You really need to focus here. Stay very quiet, she'll eventually take a bath. There she goes now. Listen to the bath water flow. She is running a tub full of sweet warm death. She's in the tub time to make your move. Hurry to the bathroom and hold her under the water. What the fuck are you doing? Hello? Hello? you have seen a girl naked before haven't you. Did you just pee your pants? Oh, I guess you haven't seen a girl naked before. Many guys have premature ejaculation issues. Though most of them require physical contact. Run, run like the wind. It would be better if you moved on to pets.

Now that's the face of a real winner. Kudos to you.

Pets

Why on earth would you want to drown pets? Did your wife's toy poodle shit in your shoe? Who really cares – we're here to help. First decide what kind of pet killer you are. You want to kill a pit bull? Let's see you flex your arm a bit. Hmmm. Interesting. Okay! Now really flex your arm ... is that it?

Why don't you stick with bunnies. Baby bunnies – anything bigger would cause you possible injury. That's okay, we can work our way up to bigger animals later. How do you feel about steroids? You really should look into it. Oh, like you are really concerned with shrinking your package. Hint: she has to see it to laugh at it. Now for baby rabbits we need only a common variety household sink. Okay, go pay your damn water bill. I'll wait.

Very good can we continue? Thank you. Fill up the sink with warm water. Not too hot, not to cold. Confused yet? Come on, have a heart – we're not barbarians. How could you even think of drowning little fluffy bunny-wunnikins in freezing cold water? There's just a right way to do things. Besides who is the expert here? I would have you know I am dunking a litter of baby lions right now. Don't fear you have to take baby steps, I mean you can't expect to just jump into baby rhino drowning in one day. Back to the task at hand. Water feel right? Good, take one bunny by the nape of the neck. Soft isn't it? Look at the little wiggly tail, cute floppy ears, inquisitive little eyes. Those eyes ready to learn all life has to teach it. It's just an empty little vessel full of hope. Now dunk that little bastard in the water, teach it to drown. Let's face it – drowning is the last life lesson you could ever need. Hold tight till the kicking stops. Good – you have successfully killed a bunny. At this point the bunny is worthless; yes, you can still stroke its lifeless pelt for a while and next door's little girl will doubtless do the same when you give her pet back. What's that? You bought the bunny especially? Oh well, when you're done throw it in your ex's car. That'll teach her to break up with you. Now you can continue to repeat till you feel its time to move on to puppies and kittens.

Famous victims

• Bartolomeu Dias (explorer, 1488)
• Jean Nicolet (explorer, 1642)
• Percy Shelley (poet, 1822)
• Jeff Buckley
• John Davidson (playwright, 1909)
• Virginia Woolf (writer, 1941)
• <insert name here> (Uncyclopedian, 2024?)

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