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“Horatio gets out his coat hanger.

Horatio hands JercHoff a coat hanger.
Horatio says, "in case you ever knock a ho up"
JercHoff says, "awww right"
Horatio says, "it has been good use to me"
Horatio says, "You know what they say..."
Horatio puts on his sunglasses.

Horatio says, "...you lie down with the Devil, you wake up in Hell."”
~ Horatio and JercHoff on "Hellmoo"
Note: Actual gameplay

Hellmoo is a post-apocalyptic-MUD-style-massively-multiplayer-online-role-playing-game, (or PAMSMMORPG for short...er) that casts the player in the role of a citizen of Freedom City, a last bastion of humanity in Hellmoo's harsh and unforgiving world. Beginning as an orphan, the player must frequently make life or death choices that affect a persistent universe populated by faceless NPC's and anonymous human players. In short, the player is a deranged psychopath out to rape and murder as many motherfuckers in as short a time as humanly possible, using weapons ranging from guns to brass knuckles to fucking them in the face and impregnating them with chestbursters. Progressing through the game, it is likely the player will make new friends out of their fellow Hellmooians. It is certain, however, that the player will most definitely be constantly killed by everything that moves. As with most RPG's, the longer a player stays playing in Hellmoo, the more powerful they will become, but during this time the player will be repeatedly fucked in the ass by nuclear turbo zombies, which may result in a lack of enthusiasm to continue playing.

Skill System[edit | edit source]

Every player in Hellmoo starts off a hopeless wreck, ashamed to even show his face in the light of day. This may be mostly due to the fact that each player is so weak in the beginning that trying to fight anything but hopeless orphans will result in near instant death.
Each of the particular skills are governed by your character's pathetically low stats, which include Brains, Brawn, Cool, Reflexes, Endurance, and Senses.
For example, when you try to rape an orphan, you will use both your wrestle and fuck skills. Wrestle is governed by Hulk Hogan and Fuck is governed by Ron Jeremy. The following is a list of the skills you'll need to survive (shamelessly stolen from the Hellmoo wiki)

Skill Depends Notes
Appraise Brains, Senses This useful (read: useless) skill shows you just how much you will suck with that awesome sword you found.
Blades Reflexes, Cool Used to stab, slice, and dice people with sharp objects.
Chemistry Brains Chemistry allows fags to make crack and meth, and sometimes explosives.
Climb Reflexes, Endurance Sometimes in Hell, you will need to climb shit. It is useful not to fall and die when doing so.
Clubs Brawn, Reflexes Used to bash, beat, and pummel people with blunt objects.
Craft Brains, Senses Making things out of other things. Brainy people like to use this one.
Dodge Reflexes, Senses Bob an' weave. Self-explanitory
Fish Cool, Endurance This skill is completely useless. If you tag this, god help you. Fishing in a text based game about murder. Christ.
Fists Brawn, Endurance Used to beat the shit out of people with your BARE HANDS! But also knuckledusters and other fist weapons.
Fuck Endurance, Senses The higher this is, the more you will get paid to be a whore to random pedestrians. Not kidding.
Hack Brains You can be a 1337 haX0r and break through electronic locks and peoples bank accounts on the internet.
Linguist Brains I didn't even know this skill existed. The fuck?
Locksmith Brains, Reflexes Breaking into apartments and otherwise off-limits places, like chastity belts.
Persuade Cool, Brains If you've got nice clothes and skill, you can rip people off and take their money.
Pilot Brains, Reflexes Do a barrel-...no seriously. You can fly planes.
Pistols Cool, Reflexes Bust a cap in somebody's ass.
Quickdraw Cool, Reflexes For taking things out of packs, holsters, and sheathes quickly.
Repair Brains Nothing can fix you. But you can fix anything!
Ride Cool, Reflexes Skateboards and motorbiking will be off limits unless this skill is high, or if you want to be a red smear on the pavement, go right ahead.
Rifles Cool, Reflexes Used to shoot, blast, and fire on people with rifle-like objects.
Scavenge Endurance, Senses Sometimes if you look around in an empty room hard enough, loot will appear out of nowhere! Also used when butchering your victims.
Science Brains Used by fags to invent shit that nobody needs.
Sneak Cool, Senses For planting bombs on people and sneaking by security cams.
Spears Endurance, Reflexes Used to stab, impale, and garrote people with long, sharp objects.
Swim Endurance Or drown.
Teach Brains Teach me oh wise one.
Throw Brawn, Senses Make sure this is high if you like to chuck rocks at windows. Otherwise you'll be liable to bust your arm out.
Torture Cool, Endurance Sometimes you just need to tie people up and burn them a little.
Track Senses Which way did he go George which way did he go
Wrestle Reflex, Endurance Hold people down, strip their clothes off and headbutt them!
Whips Reflexes, Senses Used by sexy motherfuckers to lash, lacerate, and choke people with long, rope-like objects.

Gameplay[edit | edit source]

Note: Actual gameplay, actually. Used with SimpleMU

As stated previously, HELLMOO is text-based, meaning it will require the player to read. This may be challenging to the majority of gamers, who are accustomed to spending their non-gaming time jerking off and sleeping. As also mentioned, it is a RPG, which means the player is required to not have any friends before playing, or at least is required to have excessively nerdy friends.
Hellmoo is a MUD game, which means it can be played on a variety of clients such as the popular SimpleMU or MUSHClient. Save for a variety of features, the player will still be raped and murdered the same as anyone else, so you are better off using the default "Charon" client at http://hellmoo.org/charon.
In Hell, the player is free to progress however they likes, so long as it is still a steep slog through tedious grinding and repeated, frustrating deaths. The player will begin in an orphanage, and one of the first jobs available is to kill rabid orphans for Sister Agnes. Eventually, you will be bored enough to take on harder creatures like women and the elderly, and much, much later, crackheads, zombies, and mutants.

Fatalities[edit | edit source]

Frequently (mostly when you are fighting berserk) you will perform fatalities on the hapless creatures and orphans you fight. This is one of the most entertaining (Read: uncomfortably sickening) parts of Hell, and can occur when using almost any weapon, or even if you are just using your fists or claws.

JercHoff grabs baby Jeffy's head and rams it hard against the door, then slamming it over and over, crushes baby Jeffy's skull into paste.
JercHoff shouts "HAI!" and in a flash punchs his jawbreaker into the scabby chobo's chest, caving it completely in.
The scabby chobo spits and froths blood from punctured lungs, staggering around helplessly for an agonizing moment before finally collapsing.
JercHoff lunges forward with his revolver, driving it forcefully into li'l Buffy's mouth with a hideous crunching of cartilage and bone. 
She tries to scream through shattered lips around the gun, then is silenced by a deafening BANG.
JercHoff cracks his antenna whip across the crazy crackhead's chest, lacerating his nipples. The crazy crackhead screams and freezes
in agony, and JercHoff shivers with pleasure as he brings the antenna whip up and...look, you don't need to see this. But it's 
messy. And fatal. And SEXY.

Fucking[edit | edit source]

Yes, the sexytimes!


JercHoff's eyes glaze over as he expertly strokes his aroused prong.
Akemi finger-fucks her pussy.
JercHoff groans and pauses, just barely stroking his dick.
DanDan wraps his hand around his turgid meatpole, stroking at a measured pace.
Akemi slides two fingers deep into her cunt, reaching for the g-spot.
JercHoff jacks frantically on his stiff dick.
DanDan pants excitedly, smacking his pulsing cock against the Ruined Lobby as he fires jets of sperm. He collapses backward and  smiles, content.
With a shuddering moan, Akemi draws out her orgasm, varying the speed of her finger movements to maximize the waves of pleasure.
[ You spent 1 XP to earn 1 IP in fuck! ]
JercHoff groans and shoots a watery spurt of semen onto the dead baby.

Another entertaining aspect of Hell is the ability to have sex with everyone and everything. As stated twice previously, Hellmoo is text-based, meaning that fucking in-game will simply result in words instead of sexytimes. This is actually the most uncomfortably sickening part of Hellmoo.


You notice a bulge in the front of JercHoff's pair of desert camo pants.
JercHoff unzips his pair of desert camo pants and lets them fall around his ankles.
JercHoff lunges at Akemi!
JercHoff grabs Akemi and pins her arms behind his back.
JercHoff lets go of Akemi.
Akemi gasps for air as JercHoff grabs her and shoves his dripping erection unexpectedly between her lips.
JercHoff slowly fucks Akemi's upturned face, slamming his dick into her throat.

Conclusion[edit | edit source]

HellMOO can be a nice game to play, save for all the rape and Orphan sex. So long as you have a basic idea of what you want, you should be able to find it here. The gameplay is fairly easy considering it's text-based. There are many reasons to avoid the game if you are without patience because you will die, a lot. Basically, if you're interested in exploration, killing Crackheads, Orphans, and Zombies. This is a game you might like.