Asheron's Call

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Actual in-game screenshot from Asheron's Call. High-resolution graphics like these were said to have given many players seizures and epileptic shock.

Created by Turbine entertainment in the early 18th century, Asheron's Call is an online CyberSex simulator designed for people too dumb to move on to better games.

This "CyberSexPlanet", called Dereth[1], is huge but only populated by a dozen people over all 192 servers at last official census. Half of these players were said to be post-menopausal, lonely soccer moms and don't count.

History[edit | edit source]

Originally envisioned by a mentally challenged Turbine employee with a lisp, Asheron's Call was to be based on the land of "Duress", where players partake in incredibly repetitive and boring gameplay yet are so addicted to it that they are forced into continuing to play the game. His lisp caused his fellow employees to mistake this for "Dereth", leading to its current nonsensical name. Designed as a competitor to games like Cricket, Everquest and Chess, Asheron's Call immediately garnered large support, particularly from the nazi party in 1938, hailing the game as one of its most efficient torture techniques for use in Auschwitz.

Gameplay[edit | edit source]

Unlike any other game in the genre, Asheron's Call starts players off creating a character, killing various monsters, and losing virtually all social life.

The Asheron's Call city of Eastham on a sunny summer day. After applying the Ultra HiRez2 graphics pack, many players returned home from the hospital eager to play some more. "Our recent partnership agreements with local eye surgeons was my idea." - Blind Turbine Executive

Character Creation[edit | edit source]

When first entering the totally fabulous world of Dereth, players are prompted to create a perverted stick figure to explore the world in an epic "interactive sexual adventure quest". Players will look back on this as a waste of time, lotion, tissues, and anal lubricant.

There is an intricate process known as min/maxing that allows players to produce the most efficient character they can, but the creator of this article isn't a loser[citation needed] so this information cannot be displayed accurately.

Races[edit | edit source]

As Turbine deemed Elves and Dwarves "kind of gay"[2], these kinds of mystical player races were not included in the game, with players only able to pick one of three human races:

  • Aluvian: AKA White people. Racial skills are Genocide, Dagger, and Assess Person.
  • Gharu'ndim: AKA Negros. Racial skills are Carjacking, Staff, and Item Tinkering (for the construction of crack pipes and 9mm bullets).
  • Sho: AKA AzNz. Racial skills are unarmed combat. And that's seriously it.

Racial weapon skills (Staves for blacks, Daggers for whites, and Unarmed for Asians) are blatantly based on those races respective penis lengths. This has been denied[3] by the nazis at Turbine, but we know the truth.

Classes[edit | edit source]

As Asheron's Call was developed in a time before character classes were invented by Franz Ferdinand[4], players instead create their character from the ground up by selecting various skills, including:

  • Unarmed Combat: Apparently unarmed combat in the world of Dereth involves strapping a long metal knife onto your fist and slamming it into the exact same spot on your opponent's knee repeatedly until they die from unknown causes. One of the most popular weapon skills because of how absurdly stupid it is.
  • Staff: Not useful in combat, staves are actually just aesthetic pimp canes designed only to be used by Gharu (black) characters.
  • Other Weapons: All other weapons suck ass, everyone just uses Unarmed Combat.
  • Assess Person: Upon a successful skill roll, Assess Person allows the player to identify all of the porn stored on the victim's computer, their social security and phone numbers, as well as their home address. In response to criticism of this, Turbine has stated in their defense that "nobody really cares about some douchey 13 year old kid's privacy", a statement that has been accepted in light of the fact that everyone agrees.
  • Tinkering: Tinkering allows players to boost the stats on items, which has a roughly 40-80% chance of causing the item in question to randomly explode, killing the tinkerer and destroying the weapon permanently, as well as wiping out a ten block radius.
  • Magic: There's probably some magic in there. I don't know, it's not really important anyways.

Experience[edit | edit source]

Experience points are a completely ground-breaking and innovative[citation needed] concept in Asheron's Call. Completely different than every other MMORPG out there, Asheron's Call requires players to tediously kill the same fucking shit for thousands of hours to become slightly more powerful. This process, known as Losing all social life, has been blamed for countless atrocities, including Terrorism and Feminism.

Allegiances[edit | edit source]

Many players in Asheron's Call join an Allegiance of players, which allows them to, as a team, defeat higher level monsters and gank people that are better at PvP'ing than them. These so called "Monarchies" include:

  • Inactive Monarchy
  • Another Inactive Monarchy
  • More Inactive Monarchies
  • Blood''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
  • Another Inactive Monarchy
  • Crack Suicide Squad
  • Some more Inactive Monarchies

Currency[edit | edit source]

Currency in Asheron's Call is based on Pyreals (known to most players as How original, they didn't call it gold. This game is like totally refreshing!!!). These Pyreals are typically traded through trade notes, ranging from I (100 pyreals) to MMD (250,000 pyreals). A cheap hooker (Your mom) would cost somewhere around 3 I notes[5], whereas two Japanese twins would range from 50-75 MMD's a night.

Decal[edit | edit source]

Decal is a program developed by communists in the november of 1882. Initially created as a result of multiple suicides resulting from the game's addictive yet abhorrently boring gameplay, Decal conveniently plays the game for you while you go outside and be a productive human being. Blamed for wasting space on the internet as it devolves Asheron's Call into robots playing a computer game, Decal-using players nonetheless provide over 82% of Turbine's profits.

Notable Players[edit | edit source]

(Not that anybody Cares)

  • Jesus: The Jee man himself has been known to play Asheron's Call from time to time.
  • Your Mom: The ultimate source of sexual fetishism, your mom is Asheron's call's most avid player.
  • Paraduck: An asian Asheron's Call celebrity with a small microscopic nonexistant penis. Paraduck recently offed himself after realizing he had spent over 9000 hours playing this shitty game. People quickly forgot he ever existed, as he had no friends.
  • You: Just kidding. You haven't even heard of this game.
  • Nobody

Criticism[edit | edit source]

In early 1912, Asheron's Call was accused by the Christian far-right as being one of the most prolific forms of birth control of the time. Eugenics advocates argued that anybody playing the game probably wouldn't have, and shouldn't reproduce in the first place.

Some have blamed Asheron's Call as a major cause of war, as Joseph Stalin's communist counterpart to Asheron's Call, Everquest was less efficient at controlling the population in torture happy camps. This nearly bankrupted the Russians, causing them to attack an otherwise peace-loving German nation. What ensued was to be known as one of the most hilarious conflicts of all time.

Sequel?[edit | edit source]

There are rumors that a sequel, Asheron's Call 2 was designed. Reportedly, previous players of asheron's call prefer the new game due to similar yet vastly improved game mechanics. It is still running today[ask your parents] and is a massive success[citation needed], both popularly[citation needed] and economically[citation needed].

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. Heard this from some guy once.
  2. History of Turbine Entertainment: Nazism and Failure, page 4.
  3. History of Turbine Entertainment: Nazism and Failure, page 32.
  4. Franz Ferdinand: Grandfather of Hip Hop and Roleplaying Games, page 9.
  5. Personal experience.