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- 4000 BC - Men discover their hands reach down to their genitals, and there is peace for three thousand years before they get bored and start killing each other with pointy sticks.
- 1791 - American imperialists "liberate" the state of Vermont because of its vast maple syrup reserves.
- 1861 - Jefferson Davis is declared president of the Confederacy after saying the "hard R" N-word fifty times in only six seconds.
- 1885 - Mark Twain's Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is published, its numerous grammatical errors are labelled by the publisher as a regional dialect.
- 1970 - The Chicago Seven are found guilty of being dirty commie hippies who might as well be guilty.
- 2010 - WikiLeaks publishes hundreds of thousands of classified documents revealing exactly where the U.S. keeps its nudes.
- 2021 - Ted Cruz comes back to his house guarded by an angry mob angry for what he did to the state, demanding he resign, as Winter Storm Uri moves into the East Coast.