Endorphins

Endorphins are the evil, cunning cousins of Dolphins. Considered one of the most useless, dangerous and superfluous creatures on the face (and possibly leg) of the Earth. It is believed they spawned from when ordinary dolphins were exposed to the music of Fall Out Boy. The dolphins promptly became insane. Above all things, human attention is craved and can be bottled by Endorphin technology. This is the common currency of the Endorphins (which explains why they all live in old groves). Endorphins harbour a deep hatred toward their majestic cousins, as they are able to leap gracefully out of the water and attract the attention of humans in doing so. They have even gone so far as to make a pact with whales to assist them in dominating the dolphin race, in exchange for help with slaying the Japanese poachers.

Habitat

When the demonic Endorphins aren't out partying to Daft Punk just one more time or making digital love to the aerodynamic dolphin babies, they're usually chilling at their homes in their custom-built spas which are clinically proven to make them harder, better, faster AND stronger. This enables them to travel around the world hundreds of times in a row. Endorphin homes are located anywhere you aren't, but mainly underwater in ancient groves at the Edge of the World. Caution is advised when you venture to anywhere you aren't for Endorphins are prone to chattering loudly and then eating and shitting on everything in sight. Due to the recent BP Oil Spills, then Endorphins and Dolphins alike have been at war, framing each other for the spills as all their groves and caves have been stained and destroyed.

Behaviour

An Endorphin claims a victim.

Endorphins are commonly known to be completely insane at all times in their lives. The females are insane, the males are insane, the elderly are insane and recently, in order to enforce their insanedness, they have begun to feed their young cocaine. When Endorphins reach full maturity they are obligated by a long-standing tradition to make a pilgrimage to the Temple of Insanity. There they sit in solitude for 3 days straight with nothing but a six-pack of human blood, contemplating the deep inner sanctums of the mind of those who are insane. When the meditation is complete, they become complete and venture out to terrorise the locals. Several acts committed by Endorphin ring-leaders have had great impacts on the world today such as the infamous overtaking of the Shire in Middle-Earth. Although they were under the command of a shark-wizard under the alias 'Sharkie', they actually caused most of the wreckage and havoc in Hobbiton before they were promptly given a thorough licking by the Hobbits. When out in the wild underwater terrain of the Edge of the World, there are a few ways to alert yourself to the presence of an Endorphin. The primary being:

• Listening for long lines of expertly slung dirty cuss words.
• Loud and deep chattering, akin to a Dolphin's call but more evil and ominous.
• Searching for their ancient groves which are all in the shape of their God's head.

Anatomy

Endorphins are quite similar in shape and proportions to their cousins, however, they are usually a shiny-black in skin colour and have tiny horns capable of piercing some of the strongest solids such as steel, gold, David Blaine and iron. They are physically stronger than dolphins with their capabilities comparable to whales however they have the mindset of a four-year old child on crack. Their utter stupidity and disorganisation causes them to have great disadvantages in battle which leads their bodies to be battered severely by the strategic Dolphin skirmishes. As a result, they birth deformed children 47% of the time and will not hesitate to lash out at you if you mention this.

Ways of dealing with Endorphins

Endorphins, although seemingly innocent, are vicious creatures of the night and will bite your head off, just for kicks. Therefore, it is important to know how to thwart them and avoid your gruesome death. In order of desperation:

1. Fart - Endorphins are allergic to flatulence so they will break out in lumps and swim away. They WILL come back for revenge.
2. Rap - Endorphins have a long-time rivalry with Tupac Shakur, who they believe only faked his death so he could build a rap army and destroy them.
3. Walk - Endorphins are sea-creatures, dumbass.
4. Throw kittens at them - This is a quick distraction because kittens are so cute and fluffy, but the Endorphins don't care because they're hungry so in the end it fails and you are likely to be eaten anyway.
5. Suicide - You'd better kill yourself if they don't leave you alone, they are almost indestructible.
6. Use extreme sarcasm - This is the most drastic and desperate act and should only be taken when there is no other way. This is because extreme sarcasm will destroy the multiverse instantaneously upon use. Go figure...

Ways of dying by the fins of an Endorphin

With a life as sad as yours, suicide IS the only option. Although there are numerous different ways of ending the patheticness that is you, something complicated and gruesome is recommended. Here are a few complicated methods of suicide involving Endorphins:

1. Swim at the Edge of the World - That IS where the endorphins reside after all.
2. Be a fan of Starbucks - Endorphins hate that style of coffee.
3. Claim to be an ambassador of the dolphins - They won't give a shit, they'll TAKE a shit. On you. And eat you.
4. Rickroll them or ask them about their love of Mudkipz. Powerful memes nauseate them and cause them to enter a blind rage, often resulting in them killing you with supersonic sonar waves.

See also

• Dolphin
• Kabbalah
• Your mom
• Cocaine
• Harry Houdini