Dungeons & Dragons: Real Life Edition/Character Races
A wide variety of races inhabit the world of D&D:IRL. Each has its own unique traits, and loans itself well to particular classes. For instance, you wouldn’t want to play an Athlete as an Asian, or a Politician as a Negro; doing either of those things would be foolhardy. On the other hand, a Caucasian White Collar Worker or a Negro Criminal would be ideal race-class combinations.
Race is the basis of your character, and has the greatest effect on things like your character's personality, indentity, culture, and favorite food. Ideally, your group should be racially diverse. Therefore, your party should be made up of 50% Caucasians, one Black character, one Asian or Hispanic character, and one other member of the other races.
Choosing a Race
Though you are free to choose whatever Race you wish (in stark contrast to real life), you also have the option of randomly selecting a Race. To do this, roll one d20, with the number rolled correlating to the amount of melanin your character has. Low numbers are particular pale individuals (1 = Albino, 2 = Irish, 3 = Slightly Darker Irish, etc.), moderate numbers are those with a moderate amount of melanin (7 = Suspiciously Tan White Person, 10 = Hispanic, etc.), and high numbers are the darkest of dark people (16 = Burnt Amber Black Person, 18 = Insanely Tan White Person, 20 = Midnight).
Character Races
Caucasian
Racial Traits
- Average Height: 5’10’’-6’2’’
- Average Weight: 175-220 lb.
- Average Penis Length: 5-8 in.
- Ability Modifiers: +2 Wisdom, +2 Intelligence
- Size: Medium
- Breast Size: Small-Large
- Ass Size: Medium
- Vision: Normal
- Spicy Food Resistance: Low
- Languages: English, one other
- Skill Modifiers: +2 Inherent Authority, +2 Paper Sorting (Yuppies only), +2 Litigiousness (Yuppies only), +5 Alcohol Resistance (Rednecks only), -5 Dancing
- Whiteness: When presented with something “exotic,” you become stuffy and take a -4 penalty to Charisma.
- White Power: A +2 bonus to all skills when placed in a position of authority (Role: Authority Figure).
- White Guilt: Physically harming any non-Caucasian forces a -1 penalty to Constitution at the end of every turn; regained at the end of the encounter.
Qualities
Caucasians—also called “Whites” or “White People”—are the game’s most common Race. They are unique in that there are actually two subgroups of Caucasian: the Redneck and the Yuppie. Rednecks excel at being Blue Collar Workers, while Yuppies excel at everything else, though at the expense of being unbearable pricks the vast majority of the time. Oddly enough, both subgroups make excellent Politicians. Caucasians naturally thrive in positions of authority (hence their White Power Racial Power), though said authority is also often their undoing (hence their White Guilt Racial Power).
Play a Caucasian if you want…
- to believe you are better than everybody else.
- to tell other people what to do.
- to be at least moderately successful at most things.
- to wear khaki shorts.
Asian
Racial Traits
- Average Height: 5’6’’-5’11’’
- Average Weight: 165-195 lb.
- Average Penis Length: 4-6 in.
- Ability Modifiers: +2 Dexterity, +2 Intelligence, +2 Wisdom, -2 Strength
- Size: Medium
- Breast Size: Flat
- Ass Size: Small
- Vision: Obscured, due to squinty eyes
- Spicy Food Resistance: Medium
- Languages: English or Engrish, generic Asian
- Skill Modifiers: +4 Math, +4 Gymnastics, +4 Work Ethic, +4 Video Games, -5 Creativity, -10 Uniqueness
- Sameness: All Asians look exactly the same, and can use this feature to evade enemies in crowds of other Asians.
- Martial Arts: Jut as in real life, all Asians are masters of martial arts to various degrees. As a result, they get a +1 to +5 bonus (depending on proficency) in hand to hand combat.
- Honor: Asians are obsessed with the notion of “honor.” Actions considered “honorable” grant a +1 Constitution bonus until the end of the day; actions considered “dishonorable” a -1 penalty.
Qualities
The Asians are a mysterious, industrious people that resemble small humanoids with dark hair and almond-shaped eyes. Although their culture and civilization is thousands of years old, their exact origin remains a mystery. Asians’ natural work ethic and mathematics skill make them ideal White Collar Workers, Scientists, and Teachers though their lack of strength makes them poor Athletes. In addition, Asians make poor Artists and Musicians due to their utter incapacity for creative thought.
Play an Asian if you want…
- to be good at math.
- to be good at video games.
- to have no personality.
- to eat rice for the rest of your life.
Negro
Racial Traits
- Average Height: 5’11’’-6’2’’ (+ up to 6’’ with Afro)
- Average Weight: 180-230 lb.
- Average Penis Length: 8-14 in.
- Ability Modifiers: +2 Strength, +2 Agility, +2 Charisma, -4 Intelligence
- Size: Medium
- Breast Size: Medium-Large
- Ass Size: Large
- Vision: Normal
- Spicy Food Resistance: Low
- Languages: English (sort of)
- Skill Modifiers: +10 Dancing, +5 Manual Agricultural Labor, +5 Police Evasion, +5 Rape, +5 Murder, +5 Rhyming One-Syllable Words, +5 Writing Music (Rhythm), -2 Writing Music (Melody), -5 Writing Music (Harmony), -10 Playing a Musical Instrument, -5 Work Ethic, -8 Literacy, -8 Math, +12 Ability to Plate Stupid Shit in Gold
- Racial Double Standard: Negroes have the ability to get away with things that members of other races would have to answer to, especially if said Negro is famous.
- Blackness: Everything that Negroes do is automatically cool for some reason, so in order to be cool everyone in your party must copy you if you are playing as a Negro.
- Ward of the State: Negroes get $200/week throughout the entire duration of the game via welfare.
- Prison: Roll one d6. If you roll a 1, you begin the game in prison.
Qualities
Negroes—also known as “Niggers,” “Coons,” “Darkies,” or simply “Blacks”—are one of the most specialized races in the game. Their inherent mental handicap makes them useless in any sort of intellectual field, but their athletic ability makes them excellent Athletes, Blue Collar Workers, and Criminals. For lack of skill in anything else, many Negroes also attempt to play as Musicians, although this rarely works out.
Play a Negro if you want…
- to take no accountability for your actions.
- to be beloved by stupid people.
- to continue playing “the race card.”
- to get free money from the federal government.
Hispanic
Racial Traits
- Average Height: 5’7’’-6’0’’
- Average Weight: 170-210 lb.
- Average Penis Length: 5-8 in.
- Ability Modifiers: +1 Dexterity, +2 Constitution
- Size: Medium
- Breast Size: Small-Large
- Ass Size: Large
- Vision: Normal
- Spicy Food Resistance: High
- Languages: Broken English, Spanish
- Skill Modifiers: +2 Manual Agricultural Labor, +2 Menial Job, +5 Work Ethic,
- Determination: Hispanics will stop at nothing to reach their goals—even if there’s a fence and/or river in their way. Every time a Hispanic fails in an action, they get a +1 Constitution bonus that lasts until the end of the encounter.
- Copulation: Hispanics are 35% more likely to get pregnant than any other race.
- Farm Implement Proficiency: Hispanics gain a +1 to Proficiency every turn of combat if they’re using a farm implement as their weapon.
Qualities
Hispanics are a well-balanced race and are good for most roles. Though they lack the inherent leadership qualities of Caucasians, they still make excellent Blue Collar Workers because of their high work ethic and make solid characters playing as any other class. Their Constitution and Proficiency bonuses make them ideal to have in long encounters, as well as for doing farm work for an extended period of time.
Play an Hispanic if you want…
- to be a well-rounded character.
- to be part of America’s fastest-growing demographic.
- to be far more useful than the guy playing as a Negro
Arab/Persian/Turk
Racial Traits
- Average Height: 5’8’’-6’2’’
- Average Weight: 175-210 lb.
- Average Penis Length: 5-8 in.
- Ability Modifiers: +2 Constitution, +2 Wisdom, -2 Charisma
- Size: Medium
- Breast Size: Small-Medium
- Ass Size: Medium
- Vision: Normal
- Spicy Food Resistance: Medium
- Languages: Angry Broken English, Angry Arabic
- Skill Modifiers: +2 Menial Job, +2 Work Ethic, +2 Smelliness, +4 Explosives, +10 Likelihood of Being Racially Profiled, -5 Personability, -5 Happiness, -5 Creativity
- Improvised Explosive Device: Arabs have the unique ability to construct explosives out of various household items (Utility Power).
- Refusal to Assimilate: Arabs do not get along with other races well, and when in combat against a party made up of all non-Arabs they take a -1 penalty to Charisma, but gain a +3 bonus to Constitution.
- Political Correctness: Arabs gain a +3 bonus to all defenses when in the presence of Caucasians of Left or Center Left alignment.
Qualities
A noble and smelly race, Arabs are mysterious and often misunderstood. This probably has something to do with their thick accents, which make most of them utterly incomprehensible. Arabs make good Blue Collar Workers, as well as good Criminals and Soldiers. However, they make poor Artists and Musicians, and are generally unliked.
Play an Arab if you want…
- to eliminate free speech.
- to be sober and unliked.
- to visit Guantanamo Bay.
Dot Indian
Racial Traits
- Average Height: 5’9’’-6’1’’
- Average Weight: 170-205 lb.
- Average Penis Length: 6-8 in.
- Ability Modifiers: +2 Intelligence, +2 Wisdom
- Size: Medium
- Breast Size: Small-Medium
- Ass Size: Small-Medium
- Vision: Normal
- Spicy Food Resistance: High
- Languages: Thickly Accented English, one other
- Skill Modifiers: Math +2, Menial Job +2, Work Ethic +2, Sex Positions +4
- Tech Support: When on the phone with anyone, Indians gain a +2 to Intelligence, but take a -2 to Charisma.
- Convenience Store: Indians gain a +2 Proficiency to all weapons when performing a Menial Job.
- The Kama Sutra: Indians gain a +3 bonus to Charisma during the sex act.
Qualities
Indians are exotic, sexy, and brown. They are ideally suited to being both Blue and White Collar Workers, and are well suited to most other classes as well. Although they are sometimes confused with Arabs, the two groups are in fact arch-enemies. Indians can be differentiated from Arabs by virtue of being far more attractive and level-headed. Indians also accept science, and will assimilate to the society they’re a part of.
Play an Indian if you want…
- to work a menial job.
- to have sex in multiple positions.
- to eat spicy rice for the rest of your life.
Feather Indian
Racial Traits
- Average Height: 5’10’’-6’2’’
- Average Weight: 175-220 lb.
- Average Penis Length: 5-8 in.
- Ability Modifiers: +2 Wisdom, +2 Constitution
- Size: Medium
- Breast Size: Medium-Large
- Ass Size: Medium
- Vision: Normal
- Spicy Food Resistance: Low
- Languages: English, Native
- Skill Modifiers: +2 Work Ethic, +2 Tracking, +2 Hunting, +2 Fishing, +2 Manual Agricultural Labor, +2 Alcohol Resistance, -10 Small Pox Resistance, -10 Land Ownership
- Nature: Indians (Feather) gain +1 to all skills while in the woods.
- Adaptability: Indians gain a +1 to all weapon Proficiency after using that weapon to kill five enemies.
- Natural Defense: Grants a +1 to all defenses.
Qualities
Feather Indians—sometimes called “Native Americans”—are among the game’s rarest races. Once plentiful, it is unknown what befell them. Their unique skill set makes them ideal to have in hunting situations, but they are good for little else.
Play a Native American if you want…
- to have your land taken and your culture shamed.
- to hunt, fish, track, and do other stereotypical Native things.
- to pay no taxes.
- to work in a casino.
Jew
Racial Features
- Average Height: 5’6’’-5’11’’
- Average Weight: 160-200 lb.
- Average Penis Length: 3-7 in.
- Ability Modifiers: +2 Dexterity, +3 Wisdom, +3 Intelligence, -2 Agility, -2 Strength
- Size: Medium
- Breast Size: Small-Medium
- Ass Size: Small-Medium
- Vision: Poor, often require glasses
- Spicy Food Resistance: Low
- Languages: English, Hebrew, Jewspeak, one other
- Skill Modifiers: +2 Work Ethic, +2 Paper Sorting, +5 Money Counting, +5 Litigiousness, +5 Entrepreneurial Abilities, +5 Victimhood, -5 Running, -5 Manual Agricultural Labor, -5 Honest Work, -20 Dancing
- Bartering: Jews get a 10% discount to all purchases.
- Jew Gold: Jews begin with three times the starting money of the other races.
- Jew Nose: Jews can sniff out treasures, and instantly know where all loot is at all times.
- Jewish Fortitude: Jews take a -3 penalty to all defenses.
- International Jewish Conspiracy: Every encounter, you can completely determine the outcome of one event.
Qualities
Jews are perhaps the game’s most specialized race. As Businessmen, White Collar Workers, Doctors, Writers, Teachers, Lawyers and Politicians their prowess is practically unmatched. However, they are worthless as Athletes and Blue Collar Workers, to the point that playing either of these classes as a Jew could prove fatal. Jews were also victims of something called The Holocaust, something they will never let you go one moment without acknowledging in some way.
Play a Jew if you want…
See Also
Okay, where are the character classes? Table of Contents