Current events/archive1

May 2005

May 8

• Satan wins the British General Election. Politicians relieved.

• Robert Kilroy-Silk returns to old Labour Party policy of Failing to get elected. Declares "this is what I wanted to happen, so actually I won."

• Neil Kinnock makes drunken pass at Tony Blair. Later swears "I thought he was Margaret Thatcher."

April 2005

April 9

• A former employee of the BTK killer filed a complaint recently stating that he "created a hostile work environment". In a related story, a next-cave neighbor of Osama bin Laden has complained that bin Laden "still hasn't returned my leaf blower".

April 8

• Yahoo! recently bought out Wikipedia, the short-lived parody site of Uncyclopedia. Yahoo! plans to rename Wikipedia to Yahoo! Parody. According to credible sources, Jimmy Wales, who is hoarding all the transaction money, has fled his home to escape angry Wikipedia users.

• Gary Gygax, creator of long-popular role playing game Dungeons and Dragons, was murdered by an obsessed fan late yesterday evening. Gygax was killed when the fan broke into his house and delivered a critical blow to Gygax's head with a battle axe, dealing 3d12 + 8 hit points of damage. When police arrived the scalemail-clad assailant was found in the basement leveling up.

April 7

• The accuser in the Michael Jackson child molestation case has agreed to drop all charges if Jackson teaches him how to moonwalk. Jackson however, noted that he already showed him the proper way to grab his crotch and scream.

• Viktor Yushchenko addresses the US Congress, demands that they stop spelling his name wrong. In response, Congress claims Hooked on Phonics works for me.

• San Francisco disappears from the West coast of the United States of Canada.

April 6

• Blue Gene, the world's fastest supercomputer, capable of up to 70 teraflops on a fine day with a following wind, was fined £80 for exceeding 30 miles per hour on the A127 outside the town of Basildon, England.

• Dan Rather, in a takedown hit attempt copied from Tanya Harding, has given Peter Jennings lung cancer from a package of Choco-Tacos. The manufacturer could not be reached for comment.

• The Vatican has announced that their leading Archbishops and Cardinals have decided to draw straws for the Papacy in their Conclave. The straws will be holy, and the food is free. Free of sin, that is.

April 5

• MIT's foremost topological mathematicians finally discover how to describe the Gaussian curve of a surface M in such a way as to prove that you suck.

April 4

• Alabama declared murder legal today for about two hours around 8:00 A.M. EST. Complete anarchy instantly broke loose throughout the state resulting in the death of approximately two-thirds of Alabama's population. Also, due to the extreme level of bloodlust felt by the majority of Alabamians, several dozen people wandered outside of the state's borders causing an additional 1,027 deaths in surrounding states.

April 2

• ST. PETER'S BASILICA, VATICAN CITY The catholic church has announced that due to software crash, they must upgrade from Pope John Paul 2.0 to Pope John Paul 3.0. The system is expected to be down during the upgrade. 2.0 will see installation in heaven momentarily. (more)

April 1

• ST. PETER'S BASILICA, VATICAN CITY As throngs of people gathered around St. Peter's Basilica to lend their prayers to an 'ailing' Pope, the pontiff jumped out from behind a curtain and declared, "April Fool!! Man, you Italians are such suckers!" (more)

• JESUS, Christ, Jesus Christ will be appearing at the Blackmore Mall from 2 to 5 P.M. today as he prepares for his upcoming album release "Healin' and Dealin': Life in the Holy Land." He will be siging autographs near the food court.

• HEAVEN, God, in a surprise move, interacted directly with earth, asking Uncyclopedia to declare its allegiance to the Holy Cause. In humble submission, the internet site has converted itself to the holy name. It is now wikiTestament.

March 2005

March 30

• PINELLAS PARK, Florida -- In a surprise decision shortly before happy hour, the U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals announced it would deny the appeal by the Vatican to reconnect the feeding tube of Pope John Paul 2.0. The court's one sentence order read, "Come on, he makes Terri Schiavo look vibrant and alive by comparison, let him go!"

• In a recent statement, representatives from the NFL have cited "the Red Pirate" as having allegedly "sneaked up behind hapless linebackers and injecting them with large amounts of Human Growth Hormone." They also made note of Red's history asking that we remember that "he is responsible for like... SARS, SID, and we are close to confirming his connection to GRID."

March 29

• ACEH, Indonesia -- A powerful earthquake struck off Indonesia's west coast late yesterday. Rosie O'Donnell has been held for questioning in relation to the incident.

March 27

• Sony has been told to pay $90.7m (£48m) in damages and stop selling Playstation 2 consoles in the United States after losing a patent infringement lawsuit. In response, Sony, tired of making money, has stepped up intellectual property law efforts in the UK to prevent themselves from ever innovating again.

• In Soviet Russia, the news read YOU.

• US President George W. Bush, finally tired of communist intercession, civil rights violations, and injustice, has declared full support for an independent Texas, civil rights in Hong Kong, and renouncement of the oppressive Swedish regime. When asked about reprecussions in trade relations, he responded: "I do what is morally right, for us and our allies, and not for money or political gain. It's about time someone stood up for ethics. I'm sure that our allies will follow our lead."

March 25

• Pope John Paul II today died from too much media attention on his prolonged illness. Whilst climbing the stairway to heaven, he slipped, fell, and descended into hell. Everyone was sad at this tragic occurrence, except the dirty Protestants who partied all night singing hallelujah.

March 24

• Prime Minister Tony Blair's government faced renewed pressure Thursday to explain why its top legal adviser apparently changed his mind only days before invading Iraq. The pressure, thankfully, was relieved when a suitcase full of fifties showed up at the Parliament.

• Barry Bonds may miss the entire MLB season after arthroscopic surgery on his right knee last week. He is optimistic about the time off, saying "This will give me time to rest, spend time with my family, and unknowingly take steroids."

• Yahoo is buying a Vancouver, BC-based photo-sharing company Flickr. Flickr is a Web-based photo sharing system. People can upload digital photos from computers and camera phones, publish photos in their livejournals. Flickr, upon hearing this, quickly took pictures of the contract and OMGed all their pals.

• A federal judge refused to order Terri Schiavo's feeding tube reinserted Tuesday, and as their legal options dwindled her stunned parents quickly appealed to the United States Court of Appeals for the 11th Circuit, which, being unable to find a pen, quickly dismissed the case.

• Prsdnt f Kyrgyzstan Askar Akayev fld th cntry aftr thsnds f demnstrtrs strmd the gvrnmntl plce n th smll mpvrshd ntn. Whn skd t cmmnt, Akayev lghd mnclly nd sd, "Well, they may have gotten my palace, but they'll never get their vowels back!"