Canadian Civil War
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“Eh, My family was murdered by those Quebecians, Eh, They wanted to steal my Maple Syrup. ”
“Eh, My family was murdered by those Ontarites, Eh, They wanted to steal my Maple Syrup. ”
“Eh, Polar Bear riding Eskimos killed everyone I know. Eh”
“If the Canadian Civil War was real then why would they have time to build a Giant Deathstar Eh”
The Canadian Civil War is the gruesome, ongoing, war between the main Canadian ethnicities, Quebecians, Ontarites, Vancouverian, Toronto and the Eskimos over the limited but crucial supply of natural Maple Syrup. Beginning in 1827 and lasting until today, the Canadian Civil War is considered by some historians to be the bloodiest and longest war in the worlds history. It also happens to be one of the least known wars as the major maple corporations profit hugely from it and do not want America to intervene as they did during the horrible Vermont, New Hampshire Maple conflict. For all of the profit Mrs. Butterworth may be making in the war the Canadian people have felt it's horrible effects for far too long.
History[edit | edit source]
Early Fighting[edit | edit source]
In 1826 Marc Rogen a native Quebecian first discovered the surplus of natural maple syrup that flowed throughout the trees in Canada. He immediately contacted Mrs. Butterworth Corporation who at the time were instigating a war between New Hampshire and Vermont to drive up Maple Syrup prices worldwide. When they heard his proposal to tap all the syrup in Canada they were ecstatic as world syrup supplies at the time were being depleted by reckless syrup tapping. When he offered Mrs. Butterworth Corporation, exclusive rights to all the syrup in Canada for 2,000 Maple leafs, the Canadian currency at the time, Mrs. Butterworth Corp had to turn them down. This was because they knew that all Quebecians were greedy bastards, a stereotype that still holds true today, and that they would get a much better deal with the dirt poor, stupid and gay, Ontarites a stereotype that no longer applied after Ontario discovered the atomic bomb in 1910. When they sent a representative to the head Ontarite at the time, Henry Bieber, he accepted their offer of only 300 maple leafs and 48 Pine cones for complete control of Canadian maple syrup industry until 1949.
Outraged at being ripped off by the Ontarites, Marc Rogen and his fellow Quebecians declared war on Ontario and raised the first army ever seen in Canada. They consisted of 9 of the greatest ice skating warriors to ever put on the Canadian war skates. They wielded the primitive Canadian hooked beating sticks, a traditional Canadian weapon, and went out to face a similarly equipped Ontarite war band. When the two formidable armies clashed on the Great Ice Fields of Ontario they began the battle by skating towards each other, colliding, and upon getting up beating each other senseless with their fists. This was of course the pinnacle of Canadian war tactics of the time and also the only Canadian war tactic. At one point in this bloody battle Henry Bieber accidentally hit his hooked stick against a rock and thus created the beloved Canadian sport Hockey. When it became clear to the Ontarites that they would not win, Henry Bieber, the last Ontarite alive because he was still hacking at that ice chunk he had found by himself, surrendered to the remnants of the Quebecian army. Instead of letting Henry return to his home in peace Marc Rogen decided the only way to deal with his enemy was to execute him, which he did. He then covered Henry Biebers head with maple syrup and sent it to his home in Ontario. The number of dead numbered in the tens, it was the beginning of the bloodiest war in the history of mankind.
For the next 10 years of the war Marc Rogen led countless attacks against a leaderless Ontario, killing thousands as he and his army, which now numbered in the hundreds thanks to the morale boost from his early victory, marched towards Ottawa. Worrying about the possible defeat of the people who gave them access to the syrup supply, Mrs. Butterworth decided to step in and aid Ontario. So in 1835 they convinced the city of Vancouver, which was the only truly militant city in Canada, to join the war on the side of Ontario for 900 maple leafs. That winter the famous battle for Ottawa occurred as the Ontarites and the Glorious Army of Vancouver battled street to street with the Quebecians. All of the armies fought ferociously and for every meter gained by Vancouver and Ontario they lost 23 men. But eventually after five days of fighting a relatively unknown Ontarite slave, Drake, met Marc Rogen on the edge of the city and proceeded to beat him to death with his Canadian hooked beating stick. All the while Screaming Henry Biebers name because he was a homosexual. After realizing their leader was dead the Quebecians began a complete retreat as they skated back to Quebec carrying their dead with them.
Great Eskimo Invasian[edit | edit source]
For the next 74 years the three armies clashed again and again but none of them could reach any of the six cities in Canada. Even without that the human cost was brutal, millions died, and as America became a world power Canada became a joke. Without this war Canada's population entering the 20th century would have been double that of America.
The war had been stagnating until 1909 when Vancouver, in an attempt to swing north, around and behind Quebec attacked the Eskimo population of northern Canada. This was a disastrous mistake on their part because the Eskimos, although peaceful also had an army of polar bears. The infuriated Eskimos entered into the war on the side of the Quebecians and quickly swooped down, on their polar bears, destroying everything in their path. As they neared Vancouver, the leaders of both Vancouver, which was at that point in shambles and retreating, and the Ontarites decided that the only way to combat the polar bear riding Eskimos was to come up with a new weapon that would change warfare forever. Even with their scientists working night and day to make the first Nuke they were not fast enough. On February 3rd, 1910 the Eskimos captured Vancouver and their polar bears ate every man, woman, child and strip of fine Canadian Bacon that was there. On February 10th The remnants of the Ontarite-Vancouver Alliance completed the Atomic bomb and in an effort to prevent the Eskimos from taking Ottawa next they launched it at Vancouver where almost the entire army of Polar bear riding Eskimos was located. They all died and the Eskimos not in Vancouver at the time left the war for the North.
In an attempt to find a new home for the Vancouver refugees the Ontarites conquered Montreal which until then was unaware there was even a civil war going on. They quickly were defeated and Montreal became the new home to the people of Vancouver. The people of Montreal are still unaware that they are the home to the people of Vancouver because there were only about 22 left Vancouverians alive.
With Ontario having scared the shit out of Quebec with its nuke but not having the army to attack them the first lull in the fighting occurred for the next 10 years, in fact at one point in that time the first Canadians in over 100 years left Canada and did what Canadians always do, fight in wars. Because of the lack of people alive in Canada they appeared weak to the rest of the world in WWI and very few people remember that time in their history. After the lull the naturally warlike Canadian cities began to fight again, this time Toronto joined the fighting on Quebec's side because they were bored. So Quebec and Toronto surrounded Montreal and Ontario in what looked at the time to be the final days of the war. Ontario had no nukes left and had reverted to the traditional hooked beating stick. As once again the Quebecians entered Ottawa in brutal fist to fist combat,a new unexpected threat emerged from the west. Out of the irradiated ruins of Toronto the dead Polar Bear army rose and became the Zombie Polar Bear army and swept across all of Canada and before Ottawa had fallen to Quebec and Toronto the Polar Bears were upon it. The dead numbered in the millions but once the three Canadian armies united they managed to drive back the Polar Bear Zombies forever into Montreal, who were still unaware there was a civil war, nuclear bombings or Zombie Polar Bears.
Death Star, Eh[edit | edit source]
With the Zombie Polar Bears defeated in 1936 the Canadians had peace for the next 13 years. Bored with this they instigated WWII as an excuse to fight in wars and that plan went well, they even gave the Americans the knowledge needed to make the "first" Nuclear bomb. But in 1949 the contract expired between Mrs. Butterworth and Ontario. This meant that each City controlled all of the syrup they had access to. This led to rapid expansion by the three major cities left in Canada. Toronto was the first and fastest to expand and quickly betrayed Quebec. By 1958 even though both Quebec and Ontario were attacking Toronto, Toronto still managed to beat them back into their respective cities. This led to the Ontarites innovating once again. This time they launched men to the moon where they began to build a "Second Moon" or a Death Star Eh, the name of which would later be changed in the George Lucas movie "Star Wars" which is about the Civil war in Canada but got enough facts wrong that he failed to raise awareness of the Canadian Civil War as he intended. When their Death Star Eh was completed in 1961 they launched it at Toronto but the people of Toronto had already evacuated because they realized that the second moon that was being built in space was probably dangerous and so the death toll was minimal. After watching their city destroyed all of Toronto decided to give up their monopoly on syrup and launched an all out attack on Ontario. The population of Ontario realized they had no hope of beating Toronto back without destroying Ottawa with their Death Star Eh lasers. They decided to leave a few brave soldiers behind while the rest of the population escaped to the Death Star Eh. The soldiers fought bravely but had no hope and in the third battle of Ottawa on December 1st 1962 the city fell. All across Quebec cheers could be heard for miles across the bleak Canadian landscape.
For the next 26 years Toronto and Quebec fought over the syrup supplies of greater Quebec and Toronto. They changed hands numerous times but neither city dared hold on to a location for too long because when they did the Death Star Eh would destroy them instantly. With both countries wearing each other down Ontario had a chance to repopulate and in the middle of the night on the first day of 1989 they landed a huge force in Newfoundland and, as the Death Star Ehs laser began to fire non stop at Quebec, they began their march back to Ottawa, burning everything in their way. By the third of February they were marching through the ruins of Quebec. They continued through, plowing past the remnants of the Quebecian army and towards the Toronto occupied city of Ottawa. Toronto knew that even though they could hold out for months without giving in to the Ontarites, they would eventually be defeated. So instead of let that happen they launched a small ship against the Death Star Eh and captured it while the Ontarite Army and their own struggled for Ottawa. The Ontarites won after four months of fighting and Toronto was forced to pull back to their capital Toronto, it had been repaired in the many years since it was destroyed but was still nothing compared to its former glory. Quebec finally realizing that they stood no chance with the Death Star in the sky still. They decided to destroy it once and for all. So after reoccupying Quebec city they launched their own spaceship straight into the laser of the death star. This clogged it up so the Death Star EH no longer had a workable laser. With so little left in terms of soldiers none of the three Cities tried to attack the others in any meaningful way for the next 16 years. But in 2006 Quebec signed an offer from Mrs. Butterworth that handed over all syrup production rights to the company for 2,000 maple leafs. Realizing what had happened Ontario and Toronto gave up their own fight in an effort to destroy Quebec. Since then the fighting has been stagnated by Quebecs new elite fighting unit consisting of traditional Canadian hooked beating clubs.
Cover up[edit | edit source]
Many people have never heard of the Canadian Civil War because of the media hush on it. When Mrs. Buttersworth first bought the rights to all the syrup in Canada she also made sure that no word would ever get out about the horrors Canadians went through every day. So in addition to never telling the rest of the world she also never bothered to inform Montreal. This led to the film Star wars never being recognized as an anti-Canadian Civil War film. Instead it is viewed as a cool Sci-fi movie when it is truly one of the most poignant Anti-war movie in the past 60 years.