Boston, Massachusetts

Bwoast'n

'N Baahstin, we walk inna streets cuz ther ain't sidewalks.

“DON'T pahk yuh cah in Hahvahd Yahd, yu'll get towd ta Meffah, feckin' eejit.”

~ Lady from Boston on Feckin Toorists in Bahston

Now, ya see, Bwoast'n (owfishally Beantown) is dis city, thas in Mass'chs'tts. It's ne-ah tha wahtuh, an' um, peoples lives thay-uh.

They's got beans 'nd chowdah anna whoole lotta construction. Guv'mint says th' Big Dig s'gonna be done soon, but all 'm seein is DETOUR.

I ain't too good at writin, so I'se gonna try tuh make dis unnastanable.

Tha People

People aah allwus angry cuz they sit in theyah cahs forevah fo no reasin.

Peoples is always mad at sombidy. Cyach 'em without 'eih cyoahfee an' ya beddah be runnin.

Deyah's diffrint kin's uh people theyuh.

Da Doctahs

See 'em walkin aroun' lunchtime wit whi-yit coats and flat shoes. Dey come in payahs an' ah usyally found in Longwood.

Commudahs

Come evryday all at da same time an' leave at t'same time. Sum a dem take tha T, and sum a dem drive down 93 owah the Pike. Busy, busy awl th' time. they Get wicked mad when yowah in da way.

Construction Wukahs

Theyuh ev'rywayuh. Doin that Big Dig thing.

Cops

Cops s'got nu'in beddah tuh do than sit aroun an' glayah at people who awn't doin nothin. Theh's lots of traffik, so they just watch and eats donuts.

The Red Sox

Theyuh wicked awesum!

Dogs

Dogs get elektrakyooted. Theyuh just walkin along, doin theyuh thin, when BAM! dead.

Anna cowahse, der's....

Them College Kids

Lookit alla dem collige kids.

“We Had to Cancel the Boston gig; but don't worry, it's not a big college town.”

~ Spinal Tap on Boston Colleges

They thinks theyuh so cool, sittin aroun' smokin an' actin like theyuh bedduh than evryone. Come from all ovah an' crowd tha T.

Theyuh's a wicked lot of colleges in Bawstin.

People always thinka Hahvad (Gud School. I know, I got 'xpelled theyuh) and MIT when they think uh Bawstin. But they ah too good fuh us and moved tuh Caymbridge. Still in Grayduh Bawstin, doh. Most uh da colleges in Bawstin ah Jewish now o-ah suhin. Lil' and evr'ywayuh and all made outta brick. Ahco'din tuh popyalah belief, da Mahxist riots uh 1848 began right he-yuh, in Caymbridge. Lousy fuckahs, didin they know it was Bawstin Caw'llige (Theyuh in New'in!) dat stahted alla dat crap?

The Big Dig

Cone refugees linin up ta move in.

The Big Dig is dis projeck dat was stahtid millyins a yeahs ago. It was sposed ta be done forevah ago, but it's still goin on. Cranes is evrywheyuh an' y'nevuh know which road s'gonna be open tuhday. Guvahmint dont believe in friggin detuwah signs eethah, they jus' make thuh road go anothah way fo no reason what so evah.

Taxpayah's money's gunna alow this, and da guvuhmint makes tunnels that leak n' briges that drop ice on cahs an' neuhly kills people. They even got the ceilin' collapsin in an' killin folks.

Of co-wahs dey can't stop naow, alla da roads are wicked messed up. Piles uhv dirt evrywayuh an' dem cones an' friggin' pahtitiony-thingies. Geez.

Drivin'

Nobidy in Bahstin knows how da drive. But the gawd dam turrists drive even wuhs. They go wicked slow and they're always lost 'n stuff. Jus' cuz a city's got narrah, windin' roads an' a lawduh roduhries don't mean ya gotta drive aroun' like some kinna idiot.

Also, pedestrians get run ovah if they're in the road when the light's green, yellah, owuh red. Of cowus they can run really good, so people don't get huht, usually.

In trafik, people get wicked mad, and they yell n' flip each uthah awf. Road rage n' all that.

If ya really wanna get a wicked bout a swearin', make someone spill theh cawfee. You ah really in fer it then.

Once finished drivin', it is rekwiyud by Boston-Law to "paahk the caahr in Hahvuhd Squeah."

The Sites a Baahstin

Theyuz awl Kindsa stuff ta do in Baahstin. Sumthin' fuh evereewun.

Fanyoowul Hawll

Evrybawdy thinks Fanyool Hall is so friggin great, but nobody kin even spell it. Luhn howdah friggin spell fuh gawd sake. It's got an "i" in da middle! Gawddammit, why da they gotta go namin nashunal landmahks so weeyud. S'not much uvva lanmahk anyways. Just a bunch o' food places stuck inna narrah buildin. Like some ol' ghetto mall. Den all the monster corpuhration stowuhs are outside. Who s'gonna travel ta Bawstin ta see some kinna rickety mall-place? Not me, thats fuh showuh.

RED SOX

YANKEES SUCK!

Evrybawdy loves the Red Sawx. n' if ya don't, we will stab you in tha face. Yankee-lovers godduh hell. Yankee-sympathizers kin go ta hell too. Yankees Suck!

When tha Red Sawx is at Fenway, evryone comes ta Bawstin. Evryone. Evin yer granma who's ben inna wheelchay-uh since huh stroke.

Geddit? I yoosed ta say 'Revuhse Cuuhve'

One o' dese days, the Green Monster s'gonna eat the Yankees. All uv theyuu no'good, rottin' be'inds.

Fer a long time, the Red Sawx were "cuhssed". Obviously it wasint thayuh fault they nevuh won. Finuhlly they won the Wuhld Series... WOO YEAH! GO SAWX!! 1918!! REVERSE THE CURSE!! YEAH!! an' tha curse was brokin.

Th' Sawx are about the only thing that Bostonians can agree about.

GO SAWX!!

P.s., Yankee fans: Don't take the T. Make shuwah ya pahk in Kenmowuh Squayah. (Don't be surprised if ya cah is flipped when the game is ovah though.)

The MFA

This place has got wickid pissa Egyptian stuff, but I red in Da globe it Egypt thinks its ripped ahf! So MFA's gotta prove it came from Prahvidince. MFA is sho-aht fo-ahm fuh da wuhds "Mothuh Fuckin Aht."

Patriots

The Pats ah the footbawl team. Theuh down in Fawxburrah. They git all them good playahs wit no cuuhses so that we can have a winnin' team heeyuh in Bawstin. They pay us to go up to a New Yo-ahk with a videotape recoahda and tape the Jets, Jiants, and the rest of 'em.

They used to be good becuz of duh fuwkin traydoor Tom Brady. We don't cayuh if you don't like his hayuh cuz he's got a wicked awesome ahm. Now heez down in Flooriduh. Whad ah Loozah.

The T

that's whut Chaahlie Tickits look like.

The T is an ovuhcrowdid system. Ev'ryone's tryin ta get way-uh they wanna go, and right friggin now. Problem is, thehs not enough room. Sometimes it's even haahd to breath, there aah so many people on the friggin' thin'.

They used ta have tokens, but now they've got these ticket things and new doe-wuz like we aah gonna be like friggin' Star Trek or sumthin', it's akchuly wicked cool. The tickets aah called "ChahlieTickets", named fo some guy who got stuck on tha T forevah.

S'alright sometimes, but mostly jus' a pain in de chowdah-lovin' neck.

An, of coahse, it always woahse wen its rush owaah oah when da Sox aah playin'.

Log'n

Log'n is da ayuhpowut in Bawstin. 'T's innahnashinal and pretty big. The planes on Septembuh Uhlevinth staahtid heeyah so the securiddy makes ya take off yah shoes'n'stuff.

Chinatown

Chinatown is wayuh all de Chineez people aah. They got some good rest'rants, buhchya gotta be cayuhful thayuh. Chineez aah dangarous. Coul' get mugged owah muhdahed.

Historucal Stuff

Theyuh was once dis paahty, sumthin' ta do with tea, owah Da T. Idunno. Theyuh was also once dis big waah up on da Bunkah Hill, only it wasn't on Bunkah Hill, but da one befoah it. Der was a Revulution once. Staahded right heayuh in Bawstin, owah Reveeyuh, owah sumthin'. Anyways, that was a long time ago. But those gawd dam tourists keep comin heeyah. Fer the "histuhry" and all that.

Mowah Impoahtant Histahry:

• Da Fuhst Woahld Searies! - Rite Heeyah in Bawstin.
• Cheeahs - Filmed in Bawstin.
• The Curse is Reversed! - Da Sox fin'lly win again. Go Sox!
• Boston Molasses Disaster

Th' Bahstin Bommin of 2007

Can you hear me Boston, or shall I turn it up for you?

“We do whatever we want whenever we want, at all times.”

~ Ignignokt

Eahly inna yeah 2007, summun notic'd sump'n dat looked lika bomb. They called da cops, who caim owt and blowed it up witha bommskwahd. It'uz groawndbreakin' nooz fer weeks. Hunnreds uh peeple were late ta werk b'cuz of it. Turns out it wuzza ad campaine all along. Theyaz a moovey commun' owt, some Akwa Hungah Foase Teens oah somp'n like 't.

The Mayuh Menino wuz all mad, he called da Turner Broahdcahstin' Nettwerk, who run Cahtoon Nettwerk, who play da show. He maed'm pay a wicked huge fine fer alla disrup'n 'n stuff. They's also charg'n these two collij kids fer the whole thin'. They'ud bin the unz owt wit' da signs 'n stuff. Weth any luck, they'ull have thuh book throw'n at 'em when they's sent tuh jail.

Dunkin' Donuts

“Rumors of "America runs on Dunkin's" have been greatly exaggerated.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Dunkin' Donuts

Dunkin' Donuts mus' put crack in'er donuts or somtin, cuz they's ev'rywayuh. All t'street cornah's got one. Starbuck's izza rival fo t'cyoahfee, but no Krispy Kreme s'gonna be takin our Dunkin' Donuts.

Cawse, tuh othuh grea' ting in Bahstin is Aw Bahn Payn, But Starbuck's gunna neah put dem outa' business!

Pigeons

Nasty vermin aah ev'rywayuh. Only thing tuh do is kick them. They'd rob ya if dey could.

Weathuh

A hot day in Boston

"If you dun like th' weatha, jus' wait a lil' an' it'll change."

~ Oscah Wil'e on Weathuh

Weathuh does what it likes. Mos' of the time, in the wintah, i's cloudy. Sun don' shine in da wintah. Get dese awful storms, like da Blizzid of 78. People died, da innastate was dayown, jus' terr'ble.

In da summah, hyoomid. Gets so hot n' so hahd ta breathe.

The Hub

Bahstin is known as da Hub because it was da cenner of da yoonivahse. Dis was confahmed ta Salvador Dali by a visitashin from da Flying Spaghetti Monster. Howevuh, doo ta the uth's coawntinennal drift, the cennah has relocated ta Perpignan, France. Booooo!!

Basic Rules for Driving in Boston (subject to change at any time)

Contrary tah populah belief, it 'int actually pawssible tah leave Bahstin by cahh, due to all dah roads bein' star-shaped, crook'd, congest'd, an' stupid

AKA "How tah be a MASShole"

1. When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow for oncoming traffic to pass.
2. Never, ever stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
3. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
4. Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Department of Transportation, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
5. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
6. Double-park in the North End of Boston and South Boston, unless triple-parking is available.
7. Always look both ways when running a red light.
8. Honk your horn the instant the light changes. If you are first at the light, be sure to slam the gas pedal when the light turns green.
9. When a light turns red, you have 5 seconds to floor it and get through the light.
10. If someone stops at a yellow light, make sure to hit them and teach them a lesson.
11. Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in.
12. If you should break down, allow your vehicle to come to a stop in the center lane. If road conditions are hazardous, exit your vehicle, without looking, and stand next to it, with your back to oncoming traffic.
13. Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
14. To signal a lane change, look in the direction you're about to go, as you do so. Wearing a baseball cap is considered an extra safety measure.
15. Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
16. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
17. Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up loudly and chase them up on the curb. Women Pedestrians have no rights. Beware of pedestrians approaching crosswalks. You know that fucker is gonna step in the road the second the light turns green.
18. On a multi-lane highway, always drive in the left lane, even if there are others wanting to pass. Stay in the left lane until the last possible instant before cutting across all lanes to the exit.
19. When making a left turn at an intersection with a red light, glare at the oncoming drivers, inch your way into the intersection, and floor it when the green light from the other direction turns yellow.
20. When merging, floor it, as you hit the "on ramp" and proceed immediately to the farthest left hand lane.
21. When road conditions are hazardous, swerve in and out of lanes, to pass slower moving vehicles.
22. Communicating with other drivers and pedestrians is important. Gesture often.
23. The farthest right lane is reserved for passing. The farthest left lane is reserved for slower moving vehicles.
24. Always bring your cell phone with you. Highway driving is a perfect time to chat with your friends and loved ones.
25. If you miss your exit, stop abruptly and back up.
26. When another car pulls up close behind you and "flashes their brights", its a New Yorker, slam on your brakes. Which also serves as in transit entertainment when they turn pretty colors of red while teaching you new words, sometimes in different languages.
27. When entering a tunnel, always slow down and pause before entering, even if there is no traffic or reason for delay.
28. When faced with a lane detour, due to construction, always pass as many complying vehicles as possible, wait until the last possible second, then swerve into the specified lane.
29. Be prepared for abundant construction detours.
30. Taxi Cab drivers are highly trained professionals. Observe and learn from their masterful techniques and driving skills.
31. Only those pedestrians not looking where they're going, head and eyes fixed firmly forward, are allowed to cross in front of traffic. Be sure to "brake" hard and stop as close to them as possible.
32. Google Maps and GPS units do not function within 15 miles of the Boston city center.
33. When asking a police officer for directions chances are they will say: "Eh see that stop sign, take a right there then another right a few blocks down, then a left" This is regardless of your current location.
34. Turning right on red is mandatory. Even if there is no road to turn into.
35. Tip: Only pedestrians crossing within "Cross Walks" have legal rights. Pedestrians outside of "Cross Walks" are "fair game".

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Ahh sheeit, now they suin' us foh "not usin' da logo propah-ly". Hey, we thought you wuz public propah-tee!

Fuck Da Mavs

You only have 2 good playahs, one looks like the brathah of da guy they had to stuff thru the toob in the Willy Wahnka Movie and the Otha is A traitah to the city o bahstin and he a flat eartha to top it all off

we winning ah 18th and Sweeping ya four zip. Who needs em Patsies or Sox anyways

LETS GO CELTICS!!!

Whachu meen we gotta go? Aww shucks, yeah you right, eye forgaat da articaw wuz ovah.

See also

• HowTo:Host a Boston Tea Party
• Bahstin Mass'cur
• Razr
• Terrorism